Sabotage of self?

Oct 30, 2011 at 10:49 AM

My therapist says when I start to do better I get scared and start doing "unwell" behaviors again. I realize I do this. Right now I'm cutting hundreds of times a day. I know this is "bad" behavior, but it's like I don't want to stop, not that i can't, but that I don't want to.

I find this really sad that I sabotage myself. I don't understand why I am scared?

Does anyone else understand this or have any insight?

Perna · Oct 30, 2011 at 10:54 AM

Change is always scary but also always going to happen, it cannot be stopped. Not knowing what the future will be like and knowing that you don't know is probably driving you back to familiar habits but you have to realize that the familiar habits won't keep change at bay, just make it harder for you in the future.

I had a "breakdown" when I was 20 and realized I'd have to graduate college in a year and go out into the world all by myself. Nothing I did changed that, it just made it much harder for myself as I went out into the world all by myself! I retreated into myself more and that's much worse than anything that did/could happen to me living out in the world.

SoupDragon · Oct 30, 2011 at 11:11 AM

At times it feels really really safe to be with T something I have never experienced before in my life and the thought of oneday not seeing T again can be hard, like imagining a bereavement - so for me I can see the benefits of not moving forward as that beings the end of the relationship with T a little closer.

Take care, I know the SI stuff can be hard to resist at times, but although it helps in the short term the scarring as we all know can be permanent. Is there a part of you that deserves kindness?

Oct 30, 2011 at 11:12 AM

Yes I most definitely understand. It's like I am afraid of feeling anything other than what I've been feeling. I have become comfortable with being Depressed because that's all I've known for years. Once I start to do better & think things have finally started to change...I always find some excuse to go back. I hate that I do this because I only continue to feel stuck, lost, & most of all unhappy. If I really don't want to feel this way forever why is it so hard to just stop the self sabotage? Why cant I continue to keep my self in a safe place in my head & be ok? I've done it before...why can't I stick with it? It almost makes me feel like I enjoy the Depression when in actuality I absolutely hate it, but people on the outside looking in don't see it like that.

Oct 30, 2011 at 11:28 AM

I am so sorry that you all can relate. It's so painful and hard. I don't really know how to fix it or what to do. I think my therapist wants me to just hang on and work really hard and things will get better one day, but it is hard because I know most of it is up to me and I have this pattern of sabotaging self.

Perna · Oct 30, 2011 at 11:33 AM

When I get anxious I read. I have found lots of "types" of books and characters that help me at different times, soothe me and make me feel better and energize me so I get back in the fray :-)

Were I a cutter, I think I would take up paper cutting http://elsita.typepad.com/allaboutpapercutting/ or scrap booking, something that was "similar" to cutting but also interesting, creative and engrossing in its own right so I could get away a little bit from the feelings that were distressing me and into "another" world, focus on something else, outside me.

elliemay · Oct 30, 2011 at 12:20 PM

Yep, and I think one of two things (or a combination of both) is going on. Even though we say we want it with all of our hearts, when things go well, it can be so outside our realm of expertise that the "wellness" itsellf causes a profound amount of anxiety.

I mean how do happy people act? I certainly didn't know. It's sad, but misery, in a way, can be very comfortable and "homey".

The second is, Now that things are good, when they go bad again (and they will right?!) then that anticipation can be horrible.

Overall, I think this is about seeking a level at which you are, whether you admit it or not, comfortable. It's hard to raise that level of comfort into the better range.

However, if you are cutting every day then I would definitely call your therapist and let them know.

Something needs to change and pretty quickly.

Oct 30, 2011 at 01:16 PM

There's some wisdom in every specific thing we do to cope. I notice that some of the time that I overeat, it's because I'm actually tired and trying to energize myself. It would be better if I took a nap rather than tried to power through whatever I think I have to do. I have also noticed that if someone mentions something about my body, even as innocuous as "you look strong, like you've been working out" or I think that someone is looking, just a glance, at my body, I have a strong desire to go eat my way through the refrigerator. As a cover up for my feelings about others looking at me.

So what is the cutting helping you with? Where's the wisdom in the cutting? Can you appreciate the wisdom in the cutting, because that might help you figure a way out?

Anne

Oct 30, 2011 at 04:32 PM

I think/wonder if the cutting is for attention. Like, "Look at me. This is how much pain I'm in. Do something." I really don't know. I know I feel the strong, strong urge to punish myself a lot and it's partly that, but sometimes I think it is speaking and screaming for help.

elliemay · Oct 30, 2011 at 05:26 PM

If you are screaming for help then someone should hear it. Please call your therapist or someone.

dizgirl2011 · Oct 30, 2011 at 05:42 PM

Hey,

I have done this at times in the past and sometimes still feel an urge to revert back to self destructive behaviour but try not to anymore. I think it's often related to a fear of loosing the support you get for being 'unwell' from your T or others. It can be really hard to even admit this as it feels like attention seeking, which none of us like to be labelled as doing. Sometimes it can feel nice to know someone cares enough to worry about us and we want rescued and it can be hard to give that up and become more independent. so you try to sort of prove your still not well by acting out and saying - look what I did, im still not well, i still need you.

Does that sound possible for you?

Oct 30, 2011 at 05:59 PM

I am going to try to call my therapist tomorrow, elliemay. Although I hate to keep bothering him. I feel like such a burden.

dizgirl, I do think that is a huge factor and possibly what i am doing. Sigh. It makes me feel disgusted with myself, but I think it's true.

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Anonymous37890 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 30, 2011 at 11:28 AM #5 I am so sorry that you all can relate. It's so painful and hard. I don't really know how to fix it or what to do. I think my therapist wants me to just hang on and work really hard and things will get better one day, but it is hard because I know most of it is up to me and I have this pattern of sabotaging self.
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Anonymous37890 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 30, 2011 at 04:32 PM #9 I think/wonder if the cutting is for attention. Like, "Look at me. This is how much pain I'm in. Do something." I really don't know. I know I feel the strong, strong urge to punish myself a lot and it's partly that, but sometimes I think it is speaking and screaming for help.
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elliemay Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2007 Posts: 3,555 16 180 hugs given	Oct 30, 2011 at 05:26 PM #10 If you are screaming for help then someone should hear it. Please call your therapist or someone. __________________ .........................
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Anonymous37890 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 30, 2011 at 05:59 PM #12 I am going to try to call my therapist tomorrow, elliemay. Although I hate to keep bothering him. I feel like such a burden. dizgirl, I do think that is a huge factor and possibly what i am doing. Sigh. It makes me feel disgusted with myself, but I think it's true.
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