I went through life before therapy hungry for that hole to be filled. I wanted something so bad, I thought if I had a sad enought story (my own story is sad but didn't understand that at the time) then I'd get what I so desperately wanted, but it never worked, people could only offer so much sympaphy and becuase it was fantasy based and not complete truth, the relaity was it was like walking on a silk cover hole, sooner or later I fell through.

I had a dream in early therapy where I Had needle marks from drug addiction all up my arm and someone was stroking those marks and I thought feeling much sympaphy for me. I thought this is what I needed and I what I searched for. But when I related it to T she said "you want complete acceptence for who you are". I at first said no that's not it, but then it began to sink in, that's exactly what I want and never had, no one had ever truely accepted me! My narcissistic mother had projected her rejected self into me, so it felt hallow inside, dead, empty. It wasn't sympaphy, it was acceptence, that felt real, it didn't feel fantasy based anylonger, It was something real that I could seek out from others and from myself. What a freedom that felt, I could give up my day job of sympaphy hunting that never really worked. Infact getting that knowledge immediately began to close up that emptiness.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I went through life before therapy hungry for that hole to be filled. I wanted something so bad, I thought if I had a sad enought story (my own story is sad but didn't understand that at the time) then I'd get what I so desperately wanted, but it never worked, people could only offer so much sympaphy and becuase it was fantasy based and not complete truth, the relaity was it was like walking on a silk cover hole, sooner or later I fell through.

I had a dream in early therapy where I Had needle marks from drug addiction all up my arm and someone was stroking those marks and I thought feeling much sympaphy for me. I thought this is what I needed and I what I searched for. But when I related it to T she said "you want complete acceptence for who you are". I at first said no that's not it, but then it began to sink in, that's exactly what I want and never had, no one had ever truely accepted me! My narcissistic mother had projected her rejected self into me, so it felt hallow inside, dead, empty. It wasn't sympaphy, it was acceptence, that felt real, it didn't feel fantasy based anylonger, It was something real that I could seek out from others and from myself. What a freedom that felt, I could give up my day job of sympaphy hunting that never really worked. Infact getting that knowledge immediately began to close up that emptiness.

Acceptance was high on my list when I started with my current T. If only my mother had accepted me! My expectations of my mother were so low I thought acceptabnce was enough. It was only later that I dared to ask for love.

Maybe its the same thing?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Maybe its the same thing?

I thought that, but T says no.

[SoupDragon]

Thank you for sharing your honesty - why do children have to experience such things? I am glad that you feel you are making progress with your T - Soup

That's really kind of a beautiful post, very inspiring. Sounds like a huge insight. So sorry about your childhood - it must have been terribly painful. Thanks for sharing this.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thank you for sharing your honesty - why do children have to experience such things? I am glad that you feel you are making progress with your T - Soup

That is an excellent question, SD.