[WePow]

Ok. So session was strong yesterday. Covered a lot and did EMDR work on an issue. But after I got home, I was beyond depressed. I have DID and it was not about any of the alters or about the session or trauma stuff. But I couldn't point it on anything. So I thought I was just having a down patch and would be over it after I slept.

Well, I went to sleep and had the strangest dream I ever had about therapy! I had just started my session when a friend of mine walked in off the street and said "Hi" to me, but then sat down and started talking with my T. I was ok with that at first but thought "I wish you would leave now."

But then another friend came into the room and started talking with T. Then another and another! UGGG!!! I was trying to be nice to all of them so I didn't say a word. Then they turned on a TV and my T was talking with everyone else except me!!! I am almost crying typing this out! Then he said it was the end of session and he would see everyone next week. I had seen a wreck outside his office just before session and that was the only thing I wanted to ask him about in that dream, but I wasn't able to ask him even that because everyone else was talking to him.

Wow. I thought it would help me to just post this to you guys so I can process it but this is very difficult to share. wow. It is almost like I feel the other people in the dream may represent my alters. That feels right. And now I feel like I am very jealous of them!

It almost feels like (well it does feel this way!) that I no longer have a T. That THEY have a T and I am just a car to take everyone else to go talk to T. OMG! How lame is that!?! It is like I am actually jealous of my own selves !!! WTF???!!!

Thinking about this as I type... I am actually numb in my arms and feel like it is an anxiety attack. It feels like I am a mom who is taking her kids to see a T that she used to see but she still needs to see the T but there is no time left for her so she has to go back to not having a T at all. I am happy for my alters and it DOES help ME. But wow. ok. There were things that concerned my best (and almost only) friend being hyper ticked at me a few weeks ago but now things have changed and I don't trust her at all... and how my boss went off about something and how I now don't trust him any more... and other stuff ... and I would have liked to have talked about that in session yesterday. I control the direction of the session so why would I be upset about all of this??? It is my own fault I didn't prioritize what I needed to talk about.

Next session isn't until next Tue. Right now I don't want to go back at all - but only because I don't want to be in the room while "THEY" get to work on stuff. Even though it heals me, I feel left out. I wish I had my own T and they couldn't come with me!! Ugg! Ok posting this even though it may not make any sense at all.

[sittingatwatersedge]

WePow what a totally cool dream. !!!!!

>> THEY have a T and I am just a car to take everyone else
this is marvelous!!!!! Your dream was speaking so plainly.

Maybe it will help you to remember - you may be the car, but you are not JUST the car; you are definitely the driver, too. WePow is in charge.

Your "other selves" are only showing up because they need so much to be integrated into YOU; they're not alien beings, strangers, but more like facets; they are no threat to you. Just parts of a many faceted WePow.

I have a feeling your T is going to love this dream.

[Sannah]

I hope you talk to T about this. Very good that just posting helped you to work through what was bothering you!

[granite1]

wow what a dream.thank you for sharing.amazing insight

This actually sounds positive to me. It sounds like YOU are asserting yourself over your alters. That you're getting tired of all the attention they get and you want it focused on YOU. In other words, maybe you're starting to want the alters to "get lost", meaning integrated into a whole, complete you? With the parts not so separate, but a whole person with different facets? I dunno - I get a very positive vibe from this dream. Can't wait to hear what your T has to say about it. Sorry you're having such a tough time right now, though.

[WePow]

((((All)))) I sent this to my T. No response but I didn't ask for one. I feel very strange about all this. I do feel like I just want to be one person. I hate DID.
I want to just have my life. IDK. I feel like not going back to therapy at all.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((All)))) I sent this to my T. No response but I didn't ask for one. I feel very strange about all this. I do feel like I just want to be one person. I hate DID.
I want to just have my life. IDK. I feel like not going back to therapy at all.

Could you say to T: "I'm sick of talking about my alters. Can we talk about ME now?"

That's what I'm hearing.

[WePow]

it is odd but right now i just want to be left alone
no more t
no more them inside

[Luce]

I can SO relate to your dream! I have (had?) DID and very often felt the same way about my therapy - that all the alts were taking all the time and there was nothing left over for me. That was always so frustrating for me. The alts may well have had stuff they needed to process or whatever, but *I* needed time to talk about every day hassles, concerns and issues, too.
I don't know how well you work together as a team or how well you communicate, but you could try making an internal contract about time allocation at therapy. It can vary week to week as your (pl) needs and priorities change. For me it was *essential* that I had at least some time to check in with T and be in the room as myself in each and every therapy session. Balancing the needs of the whole group can be challenging, but it can be done.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by WePow

it is odd but right now i just want to be left alone
no more t
no more them inside

It sounds like you are detaching. It's okay to go with that if that's what you need right now. It is a good way to protect yourself from the hurt of feeling 'rejected' and 'left out'. Detaching is a way to deal with these feelings while they are too big and painful. It's okay to go with it - when the feelings have calmed down you'll feel the need to reattach again.

[Sannah]

How are you feelings today?

[WePow]

i feel angry.
i feel depressed
i want to get better.
and T emailed me that he had a cancelation today...
i first said no
then i said yes.
so i will see how that goes.
urrrrrrrrrr

[purple_fins]

Thinking of you WePow

sorry I'm short on words
.... I'm trudging through some muck too.

If you go to T. I wish you much luck and some comfort.

fins

I really hope that T will help you feel better. Keeping my fingers crossed!

[WePow]

Well I am so glad my T had me come see him. I needed him.
I asked him if he was tired of me. He said not at all. And I asked him other things and he helped me really bond closer to him and trust the process. We have a lot to work on but we have a plan now. And I got two hugs!!!! :-)

Yay! Good news. Thank you for the update. We were thinking about you.

[rainbow8]

I'm glad you got to see your T again and that you feel better. Your dream was very powerful!!

[WePow]

Well, this morning feels so much better than the past few days. It is so awesome to have that time yesterday to just sit there and talk with my T about my therapy. Oddly enough, at one point I had the feeling I was in a parent-teacher conference where I was the parent of my alters and my T was the teacher! I needed that time with him. He listened to my work stuff and friend stuff - those things I needed to talk about and just get off my chest. And we talked about the future work we will be doing and how to best do it.

It really pays off to have a good match with a T and then work out the relationship things that come up along the way! Thank you guys for always encouraging me to keep working on that part and not giving up and running away from my T.

Last night I had another tornado dream (re-occuring dream item for me that represents disasters and trauma storms). But this time I was in the bedroom with my late grandmother who I was very close to as a child. And as the tornado came closer to the house, we were not paying it much attention. Instead, we were dancing around the bedroom like we did when I was that age! Then the torndado came right up to the house but I wasn't afraid the way I always am in those dreams. And it just went on by.

:-) So I am back at work now but my heart feels very peaceful. Man, I love my T! :-)

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( wepow )))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you so much.

Wow - I'm feeling emotional today, and your post brought tears to my eyes. Just so so glad that you're getting through this. Love the dream - it shows so much progress. Take care.