I had a strange holiday.

I was with my husband's extended family in another state, and I really like them, so that was a good thing. My boys have been happy to have a break from school and to visit their cousins. We decorated for Christmas today and the kittens are climbing in my tree and making me laugh. I've participated in everything, and I've been able to be happy on the outside.

And inside, I'm so sad and stressed. I'm so much better at reaching out for support than I used to be, and when things are going on in my day to day life, I can call on friends who will listen, give me advice if I want it, make me laugh, help me feel cared for.

But I still don't know how to deal with the things that are secrets

I've just been so SAD in my sessions lately. So, so sad. I know it's the sadness of the little part, and I can't even imagine how deep and vast it must be. I don't WANT to feel her sadness, but it's like there's a hole in the dam and there's nothing I can do about it.

I was doing okay, and then got triggered on Thanksgiving. I can't even remember exactly what triggered me...I know people were talking about their childhoods (or were they asking me about mine? I'm not sure)...and I remember feeling myself dissociate..my body was there smiling and talking, but *I* wasn't there. And I remember thinking that whatever the trigger was, it was SO tiny, and stupid. It wasn't like anyone said anything big...more like "hey, where did you live when you were 8?" or something.

And ever since then, I've just been struggling. I don't even know what it's about. I just feel sad and kind of half-present. The sad hurts. And I'm constantly in a state of trying to push it away because I don't know how much it will hurt if I just let it be there, and I don't know what to DO with it. I can't talk to anyone about it, or I'm not willing to, or something.

At Thanksgiving dinner, my FIL was remembering the people who are no longer with us and one of the people he mentioned was my dad And my dad sobered up when I was in middle school and was a good guy after that. We went running together. I guess that pretty much spiraled me out too. It was just unexpected that he was mentioned and my guard was way down. Ugh, it's hard to type about.

Anyhow, I e-mailed T and told him I'm sad and having a hard time on the inside. And he e-mailed and offered to call me tomorrow. Which I didn't expect. I don't know whether to talk to him or not. I REALLY feel like "there's nothing he can do", but I guess maybe just being heard a little might help. It takes SO much energy to keep pushing things away. I've done it my entire life, and I think I'm just running out of steam.

I took a klonopin and I'm hoping for peaceful sleep. I'm so tired of going through life with one me on the outside and another me on the inside. I want to be better, and whole, and content. I really, really do.

[roads]

Oh, treehouse, is a *gentle hug* okay? You write so well that even though I can't really know what you're going through, you gave me a tiny sense of a feeling of, hey, where did I go?

One thing does sound very familiar, & that's running out of energy to keep pushing things away. I'm an alcoholic, & I got to that point in my drinking. AA calls it "reaching bottom." That's where you make your choice: Hold onto the old ways, or surrender to the fight back up.

Maybe being heard a little will help.

You'll be in my thoughts & prayers. I think it's an especially important time for you, & I wish you all speed in recovering from these latest triggers.

Roadrunner

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you were triggered and are having such a hard time. It is so hard when people bring things up when we are not ready for them. I've totally had that happen. I hope you sleep well tonight.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))) Indeed it was a good thing that you spent Thanksgiving with relatives you care about..........hope you sleep well and feel better soon

[Nelliecat]

(((((Tree)))))

I don't know if I have any words that will be helpful, just wanted to tell you that I can feel your pain and sadness. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe it's time to stop pushing it away so much. You'll know when you're ready.

[WePow]

Sending BIG hugs. Let T be with you right now.

[granite1]

i hope you let your T call you today.it is hard when you are confronted with these feelings and you weren't ready for them.i know it would make me feel completely out of control.i have a friend who is always asking me questions about my past.i hate it.it always gets me upset.but she is my best friends sister so for the most part i try to be OK about it.she means well.please take good care tree.talk to your T OK

T and I talked.

I *think* it helped, maybe. It helped to hear his voice, mainly. I'm surprised that that's what was helpful, but there it is.

We talked for 20 minutes, but it flew by. Maybe I wasn't "there" for part of it..I'm not sure.

As we talked, I started realizing more and more why I was sad, and what I need to feel better. I think I need to figure out how to find some compassion for my younger part. T said we needed to find a gentle way for me to do that. I don't know why it's so hard, but it is.

At the end of the call I thought about coloring mandalas. I know that would be soothing and fun for her. So maybe. I asked T if I take care of her, will he take care of her with me? And he said yes. I don't even know what that would look like, but it makes me feel better to think it could happen that way.

He said I won't be this sad forever. I hope he's right.

[googley]

(((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

I believe your T that you wont be sad forever. You are doing great recognizing what you need to feel better. That is so great!

Originally Posted by treehouse

But I still don't know how to deal with the things that are secrets

. . .

I remember feeling myself dissociate..my body was there smiling and talking, but *I* wasn't there. And I remember thinking that whatever the trigger was, it was SO tiny, and stupid.

On secrets and knowing how to "deal" with them-- I've been discussing some of my tougher ones lately in T. Sometimes I think about secrets as if they are stink bombs that my younger self tosses at me to get my attention. And that's my reaction to them, literally, this stinks! It can fill me with a sense of hopelessness because I don't know what can be "done" with it, except to wait and ride out its stinkiness. At my better moments, I might say to her, "thank you very much for sharing", with pretty much gritted teeth, but also with a limited amount of respect for the information that was given to me. I also try to see it as her attempt to get closer to me, like my 10 year old sliding in for a hug, telling me something upsetting about his day. I do know intellectually that information is power, and it's a good thing that she shares it with me, just like it is a good thing that my kid feels safe enough to tell me when he screws something up. So in my typical long winded and meandering way, I'm suggesting that maybe what you are experiencing now with your younger self is actually evidence that you do have compassion for her, or she wouldn't be willing to tell her secrets or be this close to you. After all, she's really smart and resourceful, and figured out a way to survive what she went through, and she's sure as heck isn't going to start being any other way now. For whatever reason, she's trusting you know and that's gotta mean something about you and your compassion for her.

On dissociation, at least the way it works for me, is that if I can actually feel/see myself doing it, then I know I'm at a healthier place with doing it. When dissociation is complete for me, I'm gone through that trap door, I have no self awareness of what the trigger was, that I'm not really all there, etc. I'm sure you've been in this place before, but I just wanted to point out that this was a somewhat milder form of dissociation rather than a complete one.

Anne

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

After all, she's really smart and resourceful, and figured out a way to survive what she went through, and she's sure as heck isn't going to start being any other way now.

This is helpful, actually. She IS smart and resourceful. Maybe I can at least find some respect for that...and that can be a first step. Maybe?

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

On dissociation, at least the way it works for me, is that if I can actually feel/see myself doing it, then I know I'm at a healthier place with doing it. When dissociation is complete for me, I'm gone through that trap door, I have no self awareness of what the trigger was, that I'm not really all there, etc.

Yep. This is how it is for me. I think the fact that I retained the semi-awareness about the fact that it happened and the fact I was still kind of "there" has made me super super hypervigilant. Like...it could happen again, at any minute. When I'm just gone, it feels different. More like "hey, where was I?" but less scary somehow. Maybe just because I'm more used to the second kind.

I don't know. I'm kind of tired of myself.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't know. I'm kind of tired of myself.

I think you've already made more than one first step. I am sorry that it's so hard, though.

I'm pretty sick of myself, actually. But yet, here I am again, talking about myself.

Best, Anne

[Kacey2]

Tree

I am sorry that you are hurting. The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is such a tough month and to top it off all the t's take vacations! I am glad you were able to spend some time on the phone with your t. It sounds like that was quite comforting to you. Try some grounding techniques and comfort little Tree. Maybe a soft blanket, bubble bath, popsicles.......... My t told me that an emotion changes every 17 minutes, so just get through 1 min of sadness and then 16 more. It will change just slightly or even give you a little break before you start your countdown again. Hugs friend.

After talking to T and processing it a little here and in my head, I kind of feel like I'm just on the cusp of something shifting.

What if I *could* accept my little part? What if I *can*?

I can't think about it too much because it scares me, and I don't want to push it away because of fear.

But. Maybe.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

As we talked, I started realizing more and more why I was sad, and what I need to feel better.

I think I need to figure out how to find some compassion for my younger part. T said we needed to find a gentle way for me to do that.

I don't know why it's so hard, but it is.

Yes!......

[SallyBrown]

Treehouse, I haunt your posts all the time, but you're so insightful I hardly feel I have anything to add. However, your struggle with finding compassion for your little self kind of resonates with me. It's not quite the same struggle for me, but something like it is there.

It reminds me of when I was on my therapist's couch -- he's a training analyst so I get to try psychoanalysis for cheap, with someone who had already been my therapist for a while . The couch turned out to be a bad choice for me, but I'm glad I tried it. Anyway, I was lying there, unable to see him, and we got to talking about how I feel about my little self. And when I started describing her, before I knew it my tone became harsh, cruel, vicious, relentlessly brutal. The cynicism I picked up at a young age came shining through. But when I was finally done and was silent, I could hear my T weeping very softly behind me. It was painful for me to hear that the T I loved so much was so hurt. Somehow feeling that compassion for him helped me start feeling more compassion for my little self.

I also recently started writing to her, just a little bit. Writing is the best form of expression for me. Do you write to her? Would it help?

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

I also recently started writing to her, just a little bit. Writing is the best form of expression for me. Do you write to her? Would it help?

Thanks for posting, SallyBrown

It's easiest for me to express myself in writing too...I don't know, though, if I can write to her.

I e-mailed T today (speaking of writing!) and told him that I am trying to pay attention to her needs...but not too much, because it starts to scare me. So, I'm afraid that writing to her will freak me out a little bit...although I so like the idea, because I do love to write. Maybe someday?

What I DID manage to do today was make myself soup for lunch. Eating can be an issue for me, and I tend to just forget to eat and then grab whatever when I get hungry enough. Today at lunch, I wanted something nourishing and healthy and warm and I made soup. And I realized how much it would feel good to *her* to be fed something like that, and it felt a little bit like I was taking care of her. Like, she deserved some warm soup, and it was okay.

Such teeny tiny baby steps.

[Sannah]

Very good plan Tree!!