[Person66]

I want to know whether my relationship with my psychiatrist is normal because I have an Aunt (more like an older sister to me) who is a social worker and highly disapproves of our therapeutic relationship.
She says we're too lose and that basically my therapist isn't setting the appropriate boundaries.
She says it's inappropriate for us to exchange gifts. Yet this has happened only twice (over 4 years). When my psychiatrist was pregnant with her second child I spent about $60 on 2 gifts a fancy rattle and a very well made German toy (a talking mushroom - don't ask). The baby loved the talking mushroom and plays with it to this day. Also recently I was seeing the "the Nutcracker" at the city ballet when I saw two gifts that I just new her older daughter would love. A set of plush bears with interchangeable clothes, and a sort of tiara (both ballet themed). All mothers talk about their children, and I've gotten to know about them, the girl loves ballet (both classes and watching) and they were in her favorite colors. So I couldn't help myself. These are the only 2 times in my life I have bought her anything. My aunt not only says this is inappropriate she said I was acting like a child molester
As for what she gets me, only little things like a cup of hot chocolate if it's cold or a small gift of chocolates from an expensive chocolatier every Christmas. That's it.
My aunt also feels that she shares too much with me, like one time I was feeling severely overwhelmed and she shared with me that she too felt exactly the same once. I found this greatly reassuring. Once after therapy she said she couldn't decide between two briefcases for her husband, and asked my opinion, we walked over to the store (on the same block) and I helped her decide.
These few examples greatly anger my Aunt, who feels that my therapist is being inappropriate, crossing boundaries and is generally a bad psychiatrist
I completely disagree with her and what she says. This psychiatrist has been a great help
However, in your objective opinion does my aunt have a point?
Are the gifts I gave her inappropriate?
Are me and my psychiatrist too close?

[CantExplain]

I think your aunt is overreacting.

[wheeler]

I think every client/T relationship is different, and very difficult if not inappropriate for others to judge.
As long as you feel good and it's not hurting anyone, then I don't see the problem.

[Marie123]

The person to ask.....is your psychiatrist....and obviously she is fine with it. Period. No discussion. It isn't your Aunt's business.

The question I would really like an answer to is why do you share all this information about your therapy with your aunt, especially since she is so consistently disapproving? Although people definitely have different zones of privacy, and I may be on one end of the spectrum, I don't share any of the content of my therapy with my husband. I don't share the most intimate details of my marriage with my close friends, either. To me, the intimacy of some relationships requires that you have some zone of privacy around them to preserve them.

But-- to actually be helpful to you if I can-- I don't see anything wrong with your therapeutic relationship. My T discloses things about himself all the time in the service of connecting with me-- he is different than the other T's I have seen in that way, and sometimes it is very startling to me. However, he never details his disclosures with gory or intimate details that turn things into being about him, he doesn't do it in a way that encourages me to take care of him or focus on him. He's just sharing his life in a very boundaried way as a way to help normalize my feeling or my process or whatever.

On the gifts and what not, there's nothing wrong with a couple of gifts every once in a while, whether it's for her kids or her. Only if she were uncomfortable with it or if you felt obligated to give her a gift all the time would it be crossing a boundary. There are some people, both trained as T's and not, who believe that anything personal about the therapist "crossing" into the therapy is a boundary violation. For some people, they see no difference between having a cup of coffee and having s*x with their clients. I think that more "modern" views on therapy allow for movement beyond these absolutes into paying more attention to attachment and individual needs of clients and therapists. Many therapists find the "blank slate" and unfriendly hard boundaries of psychodynamic oriented therapy to be a hindrance rather than a help to many clients who need more warmth and friendship in their lives.

Also, the only real answer to your question is about how you feel about these things. Are you comfortable with this closeness, even if it is something that most clients don't experience with their therapists?
Anne

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Person66

My aunt also feels that she shares too much with me

I think you would feel better if you kept your relationship between your pdoc and you with the two of you and did not share so much with your aunt! I am surprised how much you have shared with your aunt. You are not her client and she is not part of your therapy.

The boundaries and relationship sound very good to me. Many T's, including mine, work hard to create and maintain a close, healthy relationship to help the client feel safe, open up with their thoughts and emotions, and thus work through them and heal. Sharing is an important part of this relationship. If your aunt is older, is she perhaps thinking of the "blank slate" Freudian style of therapy, where the T said very little? If she thinks this is the proper way to do therapy, then I guess she would wonder if yours was "appropriate".

But this is YOUR therapy! I agree with the other posters who feel you're sharing too much with your aunt. You know she is disapproving of this, so why not just share less with her and spare yourself this confusion? If she is like an older sister I can see how you would want to share, so it might be difficult. But anyway .... I see nothing wrong with 2 gifts in 4 years!!

Is it working for you and your T? Thats what counts.... Not what other people think. My husband is like that. Disapproving. He is a T with Good boundaries. But what works for me and my T, he doesnt like much. T gave me a birthday party & presents, i give her presents and we go places together. Hubby thinks its weird. But i know that all that stuff is helping me tremendously.
Ha i wonder what your aunt would say if she knew i have been having my T's dog live at my house while shes out of town!! LOL

[Person66]

I agree that it isn't my aunts business, actually she is more like an older sister due to the small age difference. She considers herself a "colleague" because she is a social worker (though has never acted as a therapist). I don't share that much with her, but she is very perceptive and sometimes if I didn't tell her the truth, what she'd assume would be even worse. She seriously needs to get her own life.