[zooropa]

any and all good feelings I had last week are gone. I am stuck in so much sadness. I am stuck feeling intensely the agony of dbtT being....just...gone. She's not there. She took herself away from me and nothing can fix that.

I saw my new T today and I just cried the whole time. I can't remember how to got to a place of feeling ok last week, so I can't get back there. I know it was me, it wasn't T that did it. It was all me, so I know I can do it again, but I can't remember. All I can feel is sorrow, and fear of how much this sorrow is wearing me down, fear that it will be with me always. Fear that always isn't going to be that much longer.

I'm just really really sad and I've reached out to the people in my life but everyone is as tired of it as I am, nobody knows what to say any more than they did a month ago, everyone just wants me to be over it already.

[rainbow_rose]

grieving takes as long as it takes. can't rush it, but i'm sure you know that. it's so hard to find the good feelings when you're down so low... I do understand that very well.

i'm here.. listening.... if that helps.

[zooropa]

I realized that a lot of my sorrow today was the result of a lot of future thoughts. I stopped and reminded myself that I'm not there yet, the future isn't here, I can't write it, so just be here now. And almost instantly felt a little bit of relief, a little lessening of the heaviness in my chest, a little room to breathe.

[roads]

Staying in the present ...
That's the hard thing for most of us to remember when we're hurting so badly. I'm so glad you remembered this on your own. That's a good thing! You remember that at least as a skill that helps you feel a little bit better. Let's you breathe.

rainbow rose is right, that grieving takes as long as it takes. Most of us know that. We aren't in any hurry for you to hurry, & we will be around to listen or just wait with you while things happen in their own time.

You won't have to do any of this alone. That's not how it works around here, is it?

Roadrunner

[rainbow8]

Yes, grieving for a T is like grieving for anyone else you've cared about and lost. There is no time limit but it WILL get better. It's good that you are able to cry and grieve with your new T. Take 1 day at a time. We are all here for you.

[rainbow_rose]

thinking of you today, zooropa.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zooropa

any and all good feelings I had last week are gone.

Write this down and keep it with you:

I was happy in the last week of November 2011.
I will be happy again.

[zooropa]

I'm up and down, but less violently so than a few weeks ago. I see that as progress, but I don't take much comfort in it, because I know I can become habituated to pain. I KNOW that, so feeling myself close off, freeze up, shut down doesn't feel like the kind of progress I want to make.

I don't know. Mostly I'm just trying to stay distracted, trying to do the things I need to do keep life rolling along.

I read this earlier and wrote it in my journal: "We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand, and melting like a snowflake." - Marie Ray

((((((zoo)))))) This is so hard

My T told me once that it's okay for me to shut my feelings down sometimes. It's okay to feel them, and it's okay to say "I've had enough for right now". You're not "failing" if you have times when you need to close off, etc. That's *part* of how we get through things.

And the other part IS the feeling, and processing, and reframing. And you're doing that too.

You are doing a REALLY good job, sweet zoo

[ECHOES]

zoo, it sounds like you are doing a fine job of getting through this
I wonder if it is in some way relieving to not be free of the inconsistency and triggering that had been happening.

I'm just so glad for you that you are finding within yourself the way keep moving.

[zooropa]

yes, echoes, there is some relief mixed in there. I am learning a lot about myself and one of the big things is that I really need T to be consistent in order for me to feel safe. And dbtT, for whatever reason or reasons, just could not be consistent any more. It was always sort of hit or miss, but then it just got to be mostly miss.

I am scheduled to see her tomorrow morning, and one thing I've noticed today is that I feel very distant from her, and in a lot of ways I dread going to see her because I am afraid it will throw me back into the fire. I am afraid not cancel, afraid that I will regret it, but also am afraid to go so I'm kind of stuck.

I have things I want to address with her, but I also just don't want to be triggered again. I don't want to get there and be overcome by the sorrow of knowing that place that I felt so safe for so long will never be my haven anymore.

[ECHOES]

zoo, I sure don't envy you for where you are right now. I will say that I think you do have the strength to go tomorrow and deal with whatever may come. You have been doing SO well, so amazingly well, and I think you can do this. Whatever you decide is what's right for you; I behind you all the way and in awe of you.