I go back to therapy Friday, the first time since before xmas and since the xmas card incident. So last night I dreamt I went to therapy and T was T but wasn't kinda. She said she was really sorry she had double booked me and was seeing a refugee and she added "for nothing" and in the dream I was feeling embarrassed for her for letting that slip and was seeing her as being embarrassed, then she wanted to put things right and said it was ok I could wait in the next room with one of her sons (lordy lord, as if lol) and I sat with her son and her son begun to tell me how much respect he has for me, all what I've been through and how magnanimous I have been (ok this would be a finger down the throat job in my waking hours lol) and I felt so excited inside because that meant T had talked about me in a caring way, and I was feeling their pity for me (ok this would be No.2 finger down the throat job in real life lol) and I was loving it.

I know T says that characters in a dreams are representations, and when I thought about it this morning I realized the clothes T had on in the dream were clothes my mother would have worn and her son had shoulder lenght hair like my brother (he was my psychotic mothers chosen one and was extremely cruel to me) but how they presented in the dream was exact opposite of my experience of them, but caring toward me, treasuring me etc.

It really was more a dream about getting needs met, that in my waking life find it hard to give myself or acknowledge I want something. But also alongside all of this, Knew on waking that my fantasy's of wishing I was part of T's real life are just that, I was glad when I woke that it was just a dream and things are as they are and T is who she is etc, if that makes sense, never thought I'd hear myself saying that, and its not denial because after all the other feelings I let myself have in the dream this is one that was ok in the dream but I know I wouldn't really want to be involved in T' family life, I get her all to myself this way lol! But know seriously I woke up feeling much clearer on what I want and dont want from T.

[Perna]

I love dreams that help me sort things out so I'm clearer! I'm glad you feel good about yours, earthmamma and that you have T this week, soon, after several weeks away.

[stopdog]

Wow. Good dream. Glad it made you feel good.

Sounds like a great dream! It's such a relief when we realise we don't want what we can't have anyway.