[Chopin99]

My session today was most sad, most interesting, most helpful,

T started the session by saying we had some choices to make; that she felt she may have made some mistakes. I had a session last Wednesday and a session last Friday and both times I ended up in crisis over her answers to the post-therapy question. I questioned her about her inconsistent answers. She said that although she has never been involved in a post-therapy relationship, she did not want to rule it out. She said that what happened with me made her realize how harmful it could be, so she decided to set her boundary that she would not have a post-therapy relationship with anyone. She told me the email I sent last Friday was manipulative and "borderline". I told her I knew it was, although I didn't intend it to be. She said I could no longer email her because it seemed like having the ability to do so fed into my obsessions rather than helping me not to obsess (she's actually right...it does).

The decision was whether or not I should continue in therapy with her; could I get past the focus on the relationship in order to heal. I almost cried several times during the session because I realized how close I was coming to losing someone now due to my preoccupation with the *possible* future. I did not state this; mainly because she decided to talk the rest of the entire session about making choices. However, it was information I needed to hear. How when it all comes down to it, life is all about choices. I can choose to stay upset at my mom for basing love on performance or I can choose to forgive her. I can choose to keep holding onto the resentment or I can choose to let it go. I can choose to give into the obsessions or I can choose to do other things to help myself.

At this point, I asked her what her purpose would be if I stayed in therapy with her. She said to help me stay on the right track, because it's easy to make the decisions themselves, but sticking to them and not falling back into old patterns is very difficult. It took a long time to develop them, it will take awhile to develop new patterns.

I apologized for the email. She told me she accepted my apology and that she wanted us to look forward and focus on the now and the future. I told her I always try to sabotage anything good in my life and that I really do want to heal. She said that God knew my heart and that's all that mattered. The opinions of others (hers or anyone else) don't really matter.

I don't agree with absolutely everything she said, but I learned some valuable lessons. I learned I need to choose to focus on the now and keep choosing it over and over. I learned how much she cares about me, despite being cool and clinical today, by the fact that if she was standing in the way of my healing due to her mistakes or mine, she would try to get me the help I need.

I taught her that boundaries are good and that it is not always best for them to be "flexible".

That, my friends, is why I decided as I pulled into my driveway that this session was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I woke up, turned a corner, and am now back on the road to healing. God sent me an angel, for a season, who will positively affect me for the rest of my life, and she loves each of us enough to put herself aside and let us go.

[unaluna]

Chopin, your tone sounds completely different from when you first joined PC. You were kind of frantic then? Now you sound like you're SAFE again. And I thought the first 2 points on your other post were awesome. In those, I thought you sounded like you weren't afraid anymore, like the work project. You DID warn your T, she can't say you didn't! (I always do too!)

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

My session today was most sad, most interesting, most helpful,

T started the session by saying we had some choices to make; that she felt she may have made some mistakes. I had a session last Wednesday and a session last Friday and both times I ended up in crisis over her answers to the post-therapy question. I questioned her about her inconsistent answers. She said that although she has never been involved in a post-therapy relationship, she did not want to rule it out. She said that what happened with me made her realize how harmful it could be, so she decided to set her boundary that she would not have a post-therapy relationship with anyone. She told me the email I sent last Friday was manipulative and "borderline". I told her I knew it was, although I didn't intend it to be. She said I could no longer email her because it seemed like having the ability to do so fed into my obsessions rather than helping me not to obsess (she's actually right...it does).

The decision was whether or not I should continue in therapy with her; could I get past the focus on the relationship in order to heal. I almost cried several times during the session because I realized how close I was coming to losing someone now due to my preoccupation with the *possible* future. I did not state this; mainly because she decided to talk the rest of the entire session about making choices. However, it was information I needed to hear. How when it all comes down to it, life is all about choices. I can choose to stay upset at my mom for basing love on performance or I can choose to forgive her. I can choose to keep holding onto the resentment or I can choose to let it go. I can choose to give into the obsessions or I can choose to do other things to help myself.

At this point, I asked her what her purpose would be if I stayed in therapy with her. She said to help me stay on the right track, because it's easy to make the decisions themselves, but sticking to them and not falling back into old patterns is very difficult. It took a long time to develop them, it will take awhile to develop new patterns.

I apologized for the email. She told me she accepted my apology and that she wanted us to look forward and focus on the now and the future. I told her I always try to sabotage anything good in my life and that I really do want to heal. She said that God knew my heart and that's all that mattered. The opinions of others (hers or anyone else) don't really matter.

I don't agree with absolutely everything she said, but I learned some valuable lessons. I learned I need to choose to focus on the now and keep choosing it over and over. I learned how much she cares about me, despite being cool and clinical today, by the fact that if she was standing in the way of my healing due to her mistakes or mine, she would try to get me the help I need.

I taught her that boundaries are good and that it is not always best for them to be "flexible".

That, my friends, is why I decided as I pulled into my driveway that this session was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I woke up, turned a corner, and am now back on the road to healing. God sent me an angel, for a season, who will positively affect me for the rest of my life, and she loves each of us enough to put herself aside and let us go.

Amazing. This, in a nutshell, is how it happened for me. Only you seem to be going a great deal faster.

My T decided that my emails were counterproductive and told me to stop. I broke that rule three or four times since, but I've certainly stopped the hatemail.

I don't know if I have your permission to be proud of you, but I am anyway.

[roads]

The two of you have become a good team, perhaps letting you progress faster on the journey than in the normal course of things.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

Chopin, your tone sounds completely different from when you first joined PC. You were kind of frantic then? Now you sound like you're SAFE again. And I thought the first 2 points on your other post were awesome. In those, I thought you sounded like you weren't afraid anymore, like the work project. You DID warn your T, she can't say you didn't! (I always do too!)

I don't feel particularly safe right now because she was rather cool and clinical. I don't want her to stay that way. Now that I've tested the boundaries and they are secure, I want her to open back up to be warm and friendly. I will ask her that next week.

That being said, what I really feel is okay. That I will REALLY be okay this time. When I feel the need to fall back into old obsessive habits, I know that I can come on PC and/or talk to H and/or my friends and get encouragement and be OKAY. I feel like I can do the work now and succeed! I know I won't always feel that way, but I will draw on my supports to help me. Thanks everyone for being a great support. I can only hope to do the same for you.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Amazing. This, in a nutshell, is how it happened for me. Only you seem to be going a great deal faster.

My T decided that my emails were counterproductive and told me to stop. I broke that rule three or four times since, but I've certainly stopped the hatemail.

I don't know if I have your permission to be proud of you, but I am anyway.

Can'tExplain, you sure can...and I appreciate all the support you've provided.

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

The two of you have become a good team, perhaps letting you progress faster on the journey than in the normal course of things.

Roadrunner, I appreciate you too. I hope that it will go faster and it is all about choices, but I know I need T's support to grieve my losses. I hope she will do that with me. I don't expect to be perfect and I expect I'll fall into old habits sometimes. But I realize I'm a lucky girl.

[Chopin99]

Erk...doesn't take long for obsession to creep in...now I'm trying to redirect from thinking about when T gave me a *very* brief hug then placed her hand on my back and gave me a little "push" out of her office. Makes me wonder if she actually wanted me to terminate with her. Guess I'll sit with my sadness and wait for it to pass and try to redirect myself.

[~EnlightenMe~]

((((Chopin)))),
I went through something quite similar to what happened to you about a year after I first started therapy (about 4 years ago). I disagree with your therapist on a few points, but I can tell that she cares about you.

It sounds like you are sitting with your emotions, which is a great start! (One of my most difficult tasks). In my instance, my obsessiveness was directly correlated with trust; trust that the therapeutic relationship could survive me, and trust that I could not only survive me but that I could make progress.

I don't think people choose to be preoccupied, who would? I think people want to change but don't know how. It takes time, for me a lot of time, to sift through everything and to build trust with your therapist. When T's, in my opinion, say things like, "I'm not allowing emails so your preoccupation will lessen," it actually heightens obsessiveness.

Just so you know you are not alone, I also sent my T a wave of horrendous emails which strained the relationship to say the least. I felt like I couldn't control it, my anger and rage would come out when writing an email; but it would cower when I was sitting face to face with my therapist. I would do this and then be so ungodly ashamed of myself. I am still with the same therapist, and things have gotten a lot better in our relationship. I feel like I have grown a lot, although I'm in the middle of a two year depression (it feels like). There is hope!

I totally get your pain. I remember that one of my emails said, "blah blah blah . . .and your stupid boundaries." Well, we negotiated most boundaries and I am able to feel safe and grounded because of them. However, if he sets another one, I probably won't feel this way.

Sorry to ramble on. . . Let us know how it goes!

[CantExplain]

[quote=Antimatter;2179533When T's, in my opinion, say things like, "I'm not allowing emails so your preoccupation will lessen," it actually heightens obsessiveness.[/quote]

You'd think so, but that's not how it was with me.

Instead, I sought (and got!) more support from friends. Not necessarily the outcome T was hoping for! Too bad. I have a life between sessions.

[Yoda]

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You'd think so, but that's not how it was with me.

Instead, I sought (and got!) more support from friends. Not necessarily the outcome T was hoping for! Too bad. I have a life between sessions.

Well, this is how it happens with me for some reason. I suspect that your T was hoping you would use outside support. I have a life in between sessions and during sessions, it just sux right now.