T just called me here at work to let me know he's had a cancellation at 3:00. He had this feeling that I needed to get in again this week. Initially I turned him down as I'm in the middle of class at that point, but I thought about it some more and decided to ask another teacher if she'd mind taking the last half of my class. She agreed, so I called back and let them know I would be coming in.

Boy, do I need this session! How does he do that?

[Chopin99]

Seriously...lucky you! I'm glad things worked out so you could have a session when you needed it!

[rainbow_rose]

love it when things like that happen.

So I had my session today. It was intense and painful (lots of new old memories came to the surface after our last session). T was focused and gentle as he helped me verbalize the effects I experienced during my early years as the result of my initial assault. I had forgotten what I was like and what I was feeling way back then.

T took lots of notes while we talked. It was a butt-load of new information. It kind of reminds me of that scene from A Beautiful Mind when we see all the articles and pictures pinned all over the room with a maze of strings attaching everything together and we know how confused and anxious all of that information must be making him. That's what I'm feeling like right now. Its not that this information
is new to me; it's that it seems to be an overload of information and trying to string this all together is overwhelming. It's not clear what it all means to my story and my recovery.

By the end of the session, my head was spinning. T had me sit awhile in the waiting room; he wanted my head to clear before I tried to drive. He really wants me in again tomorrow, but scheduling is just impossible. He told his secretary to call me if by some chance one of his late appointments opens up tomorrow. I'm not in crisis. I'm just in the midst of overwhelming recall. He just wants to see me through processing all of this without coming unglued.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, that does sound like a very intense session! I find that after intense sessions, I become very anxious....hopefully, T will be able to fit you in again tomorrow.

Definitely anxious. I find it interesting that my hand tremors have set in again this week. (It's a lithium side effect.)

To just add to the stress, my husband seems to be quickly going off the deep end. He has BPD, and all the insecurity, paranoia, accusations, irrational thinking, etc. is going full force. It reminds me of what happens to him when he stops taking his medication. I don't think he's done that this time, but something has definitely gone awry. I need to try to get him to give his pdoc a call. The meds generally work really well to keep those symptoms in check, but he may need an adjustment of some sort.

So I come home to a man who is demanding a great deal of attention and who seems to expect me to "fix" him. He wants to talk, and we do, but the conversation is a great deal of me trying to help him think more clearly and me trying to reassure him that no, I don't think he's the worst person in the world. The problem is that it really is a futile endeavor. He's pretty much on the delusional side and trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is clearly irrational is like beating my head against the wall. So exhausting.

I have taken on his issues on top of my own. I know it is a mistake and yet I feel powerless to change the situation. It is completely draining me and I'm dreading the weekend of being with my husband 24/7. It is going to do me in.

Today I feel like I'm losing myself to my husband's issues. I'm sick to my stomach, having tremors, generally wanting to shut down.

I think I'll T a call and just verbalize all of this to him. He'll have some words of wisdom for me I'm sure.

T called me and we spoke for about 30 minutes. He gave me a good talking to about trying to "fix" my husband. I knew he would. He said I have spent my life trying to protect everyone around me, only to sacrifice my own well-being in the process. It's something I've done literally since the age of 5. He recommended some things to maybe quiet my mind over the weekend; it won't shut up. I see him Tuesday, so hopefully this will all feel less intense by then. T's a patient and dedicated man. I'm very blessed with his support and guidance.

((((((Chris)))))))

Things sound hard right now. I'm so glad T is able to be there to see you through it. I know that for me, having T available takes some of the pressure off and makes everything a little bit more bearable.

Don't forget to take care of YOU.