[Tinkerbell08]

I attempted therapy 2 or 3 times, but latest after 3 sessions I felt ridiculous and stopped going.
I did not really see a plan on what we are supposed to work and I just shared random things from my week! For that I don't need to see a therapist, I can write it down. Neither therapist ever made any suggestions or stuff like that. I really wonder for what do they get paid? Personally, I rather feel uncomfortable to talk to strangers, and I don't like that the last therapist I saw always tried to point out how smart and intelligent I am. Seriously??? I'm not believing it since she gets paid to "lie" to me or pretend to care. So, is that just my experience or what is really the point of therapy? Maybe I just had bad therapists?

[Trippin2.0]

You've just described my experiences and my views

My last T, I told her I didn't see the point at scratching off my scabs ESPECIALLY since it's such hard work to scab in the 1st place. Then she suggested DBT but by then I had decided therapy was pointless for me...
In answer to your question: Idk if you had bad T's, all 3 of mine were quite good I'd say, I just didn't see a point. I have other places to vent, don't want to pay someone for their ears.

[pbutton]

I don't understand it either. However, I can see that I have started to change behaviors and manage things better. I have no idea how or why.

[stopdog]

They do not understand how it works either. My experience is quite similar to the OP except I am still so desperate I keep trying.

My first few weeks with my therapist I am still with to this day I accused her of being useless, of offering me no help, I remember her eyes just lifting as if to say "really" and that really annoyed me, but looking back now, I was unable to tolerate a lot of things and i needed something RIGHT NOW! T took those feelings of mine and showed me that its ok. My emotional thermosat couldn;t register anything that wasn't immediate and violent.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell08

I did not really see a plan on what we are supposed to work and I just shared random things from my week!

That's how orthodox psychotherapy works! It is essentially planless. That can be a big disappointment and source of friction if you believe in planning, as I did.

I find that therapy is built on a relationship, not on a plan. It's more like a marriage than a military campaign.

[unaluna]

Isn't marriage itself more like a military campaign?

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by hankster

Isn't marriage itself more like a military campaign?

Hankster, I love you.

Now back to your regularly scheduled thread.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Isn't marriage itself more like a military campaign?

Not mine!

And even in bad marriages, I doubt the fighting proceeds to any real plan.

[mixedup_emotions]

My therapy has been about sharing my feelings, beliefs, struggles, etc. and gaining a better awareness of my behaviors, what's driving them, etc. My T is not very directive, so I tend to lead the way...however, his awareness and his views have helped me tremendously.

Just knowing that I can be in a closed room with a man and feel safe is an incredible experience for me....and that was a result of hard work at growing a relationship with my therapist.

It's hard to pinpoint what actually works and what it is about the therapeutic relationship that results in evolution...

[CantExplain]

Here's my theory on how psychotherapy works.

I grew up with a bad parent, and I carry that bad parent with me wherever I go. Therapy replaces that bad internal parent with a good internal parent based on the therapist. The process of therapy is an accumulation of good parenting experiences - growing up healthy by growing up in a healthy environment.

Therefore the therapist must above all be an adequate parent to the patient. That is why "relationship" is more important than "technique".

That also explains why it takes so long.

[unaluna]

Hey "CantExplain" - you just did explain, and very well! That's how it is for me too Are you gonna hafta change your name now??

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Therefore the therapist must above all be an adequate parent to the patient. That is why "relationship" is more important than "technique".

That also explains why it takes so long.

Hmm.. this could mean therapy is going to take me forever. The idea of T being any kind of "parent" to me skeeves me out in a huge way.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Hmm.. this could mean therapy is going to take me forever. The idea of T being any kind of "parent" to me skeeves me out in a huge way.

Me too. That is a horrible concept to me.

[Trippin2.0]

And what about me? I had 2 great parents growing up, wouldn't want anybody playing mommy or daddy... Where would that leave me in a therapeutic situation?

Originally Posted by pbutton

Hmm.. this could mean therapy is going to take me forever. The idea of T being any kind of "parent" to me skeeves me out in a huge way.

I don't need or want a parent. I don't need to be re-parented. I don't feel like I am a child who needs to grow up. I feel like I am an adult who could use someone knowledgeable and thoughtful to guide me in helping myself manage my emotions and challenge some of my negative beliefs about myself.

Anne

Originally Posted by pbutton

Hmm.. this could mean therapy is going to take me forever. The idea of T being any kind of "parent" to me skeeves me out in a huge way.

It kind of creeps me out too, although I understand what is really being said. It's kind of the old transactional analysis (I think I have that right) frame of the three roles we move between: adult/child/parent. (Lord, I'm dating myself. Wasn't that from the book in the 70's I'm Okay; You're Okay? I seem to remember a copy of it floating around our house back then.)

Anyway, I guess it's just the association I have with the word "parent" that crops up when I read that my T must be an adequate parent to me in order for therapy to work. I don't at all see him that way. He works with me adult to adult, treating me as an equal intellectually and developmentally.

As a parent, I have to really do more leading and directing and I realize that my children aren't developmentally in the same place (that's just human development) as me and allowances and modifications for their developmental stage obviously have to be made. Perhaps that type of relationship is needed in some therapy situations, but I'm not convinced it is an absolute necessity.

I see my T in more of a mentor role (and mentors and their mentoree's - is that a word; probably not - can very definitely be on the same plane; the mentor shares his knowledge and expertise and helps with whatever issue needs the support). I see my T and I as a team working together to solve a problem rather than a parent being the authority and the child really having to do pretty much what the parent says.

Of course, that's all old connotations and associations I make, so that's why that whole "parent" thing is a bit creepy to me. But again, I realize that really isn't what was being said.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

...even in bad marriages, I doubt the fighting proceeds to any real plan.

the old wisdom: that men marry women hoping they will never change, and women marry men intending to change them. sorry for hijack... returning now to your original thread

I have heard it said very cynically that this is how therapy works:
client begins working with a T
client reproduces in the therapy room all the lousy behavior that (s)he normally inflicts on other people IRL
the T just takes it, regardless
eventually the client begins to feel guilty for beating up on a poor human being who never intended any harm, and begins to treat the T better
client then begins to treat other people IRL better
therapy is done.

I had a violent reaction to this when I first read it. Now that I am 4 yrs down the road I see some similarities, but it's not the whole story. comments anyone?

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I have heard it said very cynically that this is how therapy works:
client begins working with a T
client reproduces in the therapy room all the lousy behavior that (s)he normally inflicts on other people IRL
the T just takes it, regardless
eventually the client begins to feel guilty for beating up on a poor human being who never intended any harm, and begins to treat the T better
client then begins to treat other people IRL better
therapy is done.

Oh man. I can relate to this. I don't LIKE it, but it's not far off from where I'm at right now. It's easy for me to identify my obnoxious behaviors as I fling them at my benign T. A tiny part of me feels justified, but most of me can see that my reaction is so out of proportion to the situation.

[pbutton]

I treat strangers differently than I do people in my inner circle. Now T has wormed his way in to my inner circle and I am struggling as I have urges to treat T with the same crappy behavior as those closest to me. But on some level I know he's "outside" and "unknown" and I'm embarrassed about it instead of being able to justify my poor behavior like I do with my family.

Interesting.

[beautiful.mess]

I agree with cantexplain's idea about the parent BUT! that's because I had crappy parents and sometimes still feel (psychologically) 13 years old. It DOES give me the heebie jeebies though, because while I had crappy parents, that means I had to take care of myself at a very young age and the idea of being reparented is kinda demeaning. I don't want anyone to tell me how to wear my hat, so to speak.

Then again I also agree with stopdog in that I really have no idea what in the heck is going on (I doubt they do either) but I keep going because I don't know what else to do. I'm entirely desperate to not feel this way anymore.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by hankster

Isn't marriage itself more like a military campaign?

Bahahahah!!!!

I think the whole T parenting thing occurs on an emotional and unconscious level. If we have a crappy childhood relationship with one or both parents, we tend to recreate that same relationship over and over again as adults, because that's what we learned. Because it's happening on an unconscious level we don't see what we're doing. Having a healthy relationship with a T can show us how relationships are supposed to work. I'm discovering that I repeated the rejecting relationship with my father with every man I ever had a relationship with. Didn't know it, of course. Thought the failure of the relationship was their fault. Now I'm learning with T how a healthy relationship works. In the process of course I'm uncovering all the delightful ways I manage to screw things up - tough doesn't even begin to describe it.

I don't see T as a father at all - but I react to him emotionally like I reacted to my father as a child. This is how I'm uncovering and trying to correct what's wrong. This is how I see the parenting thing in therapy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I don't want anyone to tell me how to wear my hat, so to speak.

yeah, but I really like T helping me on with my coat (literally!). Somehow it puts me back at school or someplace where I'm around other kids whose moms are helping them with their coats, and finally mine is too. Well, Mr Mom!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

And what about me? I had 2 great parents growing up, wouldn't want anybody playing mommy or daddy... Where would that leave me in a therapeutic situation?

I was describing how it was for me. I don't know how therapy works for people with good parents. According to my theory, people wth good parents shouldn't be in therapy!