[healed84]

I am new here, and new to thearpy. One of the things that I struggle with is really trusting that somebody is genuie with me.

In my second session with my T I was talking about how crappy it is to be in a full out anxiety ridden episode. The kind where I am certain that there is something very seriously wrong with me. Anyways, my T just said.. something along the lines of "I bet that is no fun, as a matter of fact it sounds like your own personal hell." In that moment I was thrilled that somebody finally understood how I was feeling..

Then later in that day, I was reflecting back on what he said and I started thinking about how that is something that I am sure he says to everybody. He knows that he needs to make his patients feel like he understands that he is making some kind of connection with them.. I mean that is his job afterall. However, that just threw me off, I know I am paying him to help me get through anxiety, but I would like to believe that he also wants to help b/c he cares... but I can't trust that he really cares, and only relates with me b/c that is what he supposed to do. I don't know if this makes sense to anybody, but me.. Does anybody deal with this kind of thinking?

[mixedup_emotions]

There are definitely times that I struggle with this....yet, at the same time, I know that during my session time, T is 100% attentive to me, and this is incredibly valuable.

During the times that I doubt his caring, T tells me that it is ok to doubt it - just be accepting of that, don't fight it. Be accepting of it and try to feel it as much as I am able.

[yang0868]

Healed84, I deal with this a lot as well. I've never had the couraged to bring it up with my T. I struggle back and forth about whether T cares or not but I guess what helps me is I happen to work in healthcare as well. When I see patients, it IS my job to take care of them but my heart is priceless. I don't fake it to patients that I care. If I sense that there is no rapport between us, I refer them to another healthcare provider. I always have the patient's best interst in mind. I want the best for my patients. What good would "faking" that I care do for someone? I went into the healthcare profession because I really want to help people. That's where my passion lies. I'm sure your T went into his profession because he genuiely wants to help people. So when I compare my profession to my T's, it really does help make it easier to believe that T really does care. Her actions have shown me she cares about my well being. Words are just words. Actions speak much louder to me now.

[Hope-Full]

It's been said many times by many different people here on this board - we pay our T to listen, but we don't pay them to care - that is all them.

As MUE said, it's also a gift to have our Ts undivided attention, 100% focused on us, for whatever amount of time our appointment is. Where else in the world do we get someone's undivided attention? Even Ts own family doesn't get their attention the way we do. It also helps me to remember that my T chose this profession for a reason, and they put their heart in soul into their work.

You said you're new to therapy, and I remember that beginning phase too - I questioned everything - whether T was being "real" or just using a standard T line that they learned in school, whether T was really paying attention to me or was tuning out like everyone else does, whether T really meant what she said or if it was just something to appease me in the moment. As time wore on, I have learned that all good Ts really mean what they say, really do care about their clients (but generally don't say it in words, instead showing it in how attuned they are) and want to see their clients succeed.

[elliemay]

I think there are two sides to it being their job.

The first side , as you indicated, there is that whole "He's just saying that" type thing. In that aspect, I think the bottom line is that "well, if he didn't think it would help me, he likely wouldn't say that period. So, on some level, he must care about my well being despite it being his job."

Even if they are just lines from a psychiatry textbook, I know my therapist cares enough to skillfully apply his craft for my benefit. That particular kind of caring may not be exactly what you are looking for at first, but over the years it has proven to be worth its weight in gold for me.

Second, the fact that it is their job pretty much means that, within reason of course, that we don't have to account for how they feel at all. We aren't responsible for them. It's all about us. They are there for us. It's a kind of one-sidedness that simply cannot exist outside of therapy as adults. The boundaries are set, we have to live in those boundaries for this relationship, but its the "me-ness" of therapy that has been an essential part of the reason it's worked for me.

Like everything, there is good and bad, and about the job thing, overall I think it's about finding that balance where it's "good enough".

Originally Posted by healed84

"I bet that is no fun, as a matter of fact it sounds like your own personal hell." In that moment I was thrilled that somebody finally understood how I was feeling..

I think that anyone can say the words-- and over time if he repeats this line everytime you express something difficult you may think something different about it-- but I don't think that you can fake the emotional connection behind the words.

I certainly have been in situations where someone has said "sorry for your loss" but it was clear they had no emotion behind it, they were just saying the socially acceptable words. I didn't feel it.

When my T says something (and I don't hear any canned responses from him), I feel he says it with meaning. There's something in the timing and the way he says it and the way he looks at me when he says it that all tells me he means what he says. And then there's the exquisite attunement at times between what I say and how I see it affects him, in the flashes of tenderness across his face or he grins at me in an unabashed way or in how his hands move when he talks thoughtfully. You can't fake attunement.

One of the ways I teach the new lawyers I work with about tone and the meaning behind words by having them role play police officers delivering the Miranda warnings ("You have the right to remain silent . . . " blah blah blah). You can say those words with the meaning behind them as "you really really don't have to talk to me, it's completely your choice" or you can say those words with "you better ignore what words I am using and prepare to tell me everything you know, or unspecified bad things will happen to you."

A T's words are not the only thing that conveys meaning about connection and caring. Over time you may be able to trust the emotional relationship that connects the words they say to how you feel about them.

Anne

[crazylife]

I've actually come out and told my T that he only cares because it's his job and he is a good actor (i was angry at him). He told me that although this is his job and he does have to care, he choose to care for me the way he does, our connection is real not pretend and he is just human and human's are social creatures that relate to each other.

[nicoleb2]

My t has repeatedly told me that though this is her job, it is still a relationship, and she really does care about me, and worries about what's happening when she knows I am struggling.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I think that anyone can say the words-- and over time if he repeats this line every time you express something difficult you may think something different about it-- but I don't think that you can fake the emotional connection behind the words.

I certainly have been in situations where someone has said "sorry for your loss" but it was clear they had no emotion behind it, they were just saying the socially acceptable words. I didn't feel it.

When my T says something (and I don't hear any canned responses from him), I feel he says it with meaning. There's something in the timing and the way he says it and the way he looks at me when he says it that all tells me he means what he says. And then there's the exquisite attunement at times between what I say and how I see it affects him, in the flashes of tenderness across his face or he grins at me in an unabashed way or in how his hands move when he talks thoughtfully. You can't fake attunement.

One of the ways I teach the new lawyers I work with about tone and the meaning behind words by having them role play police officers delivering the Miranda warnings ("You have the right to remain silent . . . " blah blah blah). You can say those words with the meaning behind them as "you really really don't have to talk to me, it's completely your choice" or you can say those words with "you better ignore what words I am using and prepare to tell me everything you know, or unspecified bad things will happen to you."

A T's words are not the only thing that conveys meaning about connection and caring. Over time you may be able to trust the emotional relationship that connects the words they say to how you feel about them.

Anne

I totally agree with that!

There was one time in particular I was really mad and ended up questioning his sincerity and if he even cared at all. I eventually calmed down and apologized and he responded with... "I understand I just want you to know that you are important to me." Any time I get insecure I just look at that email. It helps.

[Chopin99]

I agree with Anne. I preach to family, friends, and employees, "It's not so much what you say as how you say it. Your body language and voice tone communicate more than your words most of the time."

I know my T loves me. I know this because not only has she told me this, she has also shown as much in actions, voice tone, facial expression, and body language. I can physically sense it sometimes. She tries sometimes to be clinical/professional; but most of the time, she can't help showing her love.

I understand that level of love because I work with MR/DD clients. I know how much I love them...and that makes my own T's love for me that much more powerful. When she and I were having issues regarding a possible post-therapy relationship, she told me that no matter what happens, how she feels about me will never change and she will never forget me. That meant a lot to me.

[healed84]

Thanks for all of the input... It sounds to me, like I just need to let it take time. I have only had 4 or 5 sessions with my T and we are just starting to form a patient/T bond. I felt like at my last session we are stepping in the right direction. Thanks again!!

[CantExplain]

I thought I knew the answer, but now I come to write i down...

I've got more and more past the fact that it's just her 'job' every time that my T has done something for me that she didn't need to do just to earn her hourly rate. She never does the bare minimum and I never feel like she's just going through the motions. My T has consistently demonstrated that she cares, with so many words and acts of kindness.

I'm sure as your relationship develops with your T, you'll see that they do care, and that they genuinely want to help you - that you're not just a number or a paycheck. I don't think it's the type of profession people generally go into JUST to make money - there are many ways to make a living.

Many T's wouldn't be in this profession if it was just a job to them. They are mostly empathetic, caring people to begin with. You can pay for their knowledge, their brain, but you can't pay for their caring, their heart. As my T says, her heart is not for sale
I know my T isn't doing "just her job". She is out of the country, and isn't her job to call me right now while she's going through a family emergency, it isn't her job to email me. She probably shouldn't even be worrying about work stuff right now. But she calls me whenever she gets the chance and we talk for hours on end. And she hasn't asked me to pay her since the beginning of summer. (I pay her anyway.)She says "I love you" and I believe her. This is going way above and beyond her job.

[peridot28]

I've never struggled with the idea that caring for me is just my therapist's job. I feel honored to be in her presence and to be able to receive from her wisdom. I don't pay her enough to even feel like she just sees me because she's getting paid or it's just her job. In fact, on her own motivation she called me and told me that she wanted to reduce my fee because she wanted me to be able to have therapy without it being a financial burden. I was so blown away by what she did for me and I cried, because I was so thankful to her. She goes out of her way to be sure I have what I need. I know she genuinely cares for me and loves me. She says those exact words to me often.

I hope you are able to gain and sustain that connection with your therapist. Try to just accept what your therapist is giving to you and try not to over analyze it too much. This is coming from someone who over analyzes way too much, so I understand. I can really talk myself out of many blessings and a lot of healing by being too analytical about how genuine someone's level of care is when they give it to me.

This is a cheesy analysis, but I like to see it like I see coupons. You wonder, "How are companies able to offer so many coupons? I mean, how does that work? How can they give everybody a coupon and truly honor that coupon?" My response is "I don’t know, but what I do know is that I'm saving $3 on my purchase of paper towels, so thank you Bounty." Just because the company sends out thousands of coupons per week, it doesn't devalue the coupon at all. You get the same amount of savings as the next person, the next person, and the next person. Comparing this to therapy, my therapist has so many other clients that she either cares for or probably says some of the same things to them that she says to me, but it doesn't devalue her level of care or commitment to me. I just receive it and never think to question it.

[JustWannaDisappear]

I think for the majority of Ts they are in this line of work because they care.

I have struggled with this as well, I've never expressed this to my T though. There are many times where I would like to get up and yell this to her and stomp out. Which I think is because I never feel like anyone really hears me.

I do however know that she genuinely cares. Last session she commented on how beautiful I looked. She said I was glowing. I do not pay her for compliments I pay her to help me with my struggles.

I don't think we can get past the 'fact' its their job, but how a therapist behaves within that title/job can matter a whole lot. My T treats her job, herself, and her clients with great respect and dignity. Her job is the tool that helps me and others.