[sittingatwatersedge]

Is it time to abandon ship already?!

T's first assignment: List how you are like your mother.

It's an old saying that we become our mothers; PC people, do you think that's true?

GOOD GOD! I HOPE not!!! Man. I'm a year and a half into this therapy relationship, and I STILL wouldn't like it if my T asked me to do that.

[faith1983]

no, I don't think so! We become... ourselves!! I think every relation we have make us different, including our mother, but we are definitely not them; we have some of their qualities, some of their default but many other thing make us who we are. And that said, we can change what we don't like about ourselves... we just have to identify it first and be ready to work on it (sound so easy written this way... I should re-read myself sometimes )

It's both an interesting and hard assignment; you could sure discover some interesting things!

Take care
Faith

[JustWannaDisappear]

I am my mother. While I know she made some bad choices and said some hurtful things that still affect me today, I know she's a good person. That said, I see her when I get overwhelmed and frustrated with my husband and kids and my OCD type behavior.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I think it's inevitable that we pick up some traits of our parents. But, I don't think that means we become exactly like them.

My T pointed out to me a few sessions ago that I do something that I always complain about my mother doing. As soon as my T pointed it out to me, I resolved to change that behavior and have been working on it.

Besides, being like your mother doesn't have to be entirely bad or anything huge. I'm like my mother in little ways...we have some similar mannerisms and expressions. Our voices sound similar. We like some similar foods. Then, there are the ways we are totally different - she's an extravert, I'm an introvert, she is very critical and closed minded, I'm super open minded and try to see the best in others, etc. And there's the ways we're the same, but I am trying to change - like not expressing emotions in front of others. Those are just some simple examples.

Remember, the assignment is to describe how you are like your mother, not to discuss if you will become your mother. Two entirely different things.

I am like my mother is some ways. From her I got my love and talent for music. From her I got a good deal of my stubbornness. She and I look a lot alike people say. She instilled in me a strong sense of right and wrong. I have my mother's compassion. I have her weak nails. I acquired a strong sense of family from her. I can get really anxious like my mother.

Does all that mean I am my mother? Heavens no! Much of what I got from her is positive (she is a truly good individual), but not all of it. I know a good portion of my worry and anxiety I learned from her.

Consider this more of a list of common traits rather than an indictment on your character.

[sittingatwatersedge]

thanks Chris, i appreciate your post (and I hear what you are saying). still, you obviously didn't have my Mom.

My brother, who is now raising a family, commented recently that when he speaks to them, he often hears our Dad's voice coming out of his mouth, and it shocks him.

My assignment is what it is. My question, though, is, not have I become her (you couldn't know that). The question is, do you think the old saying holds true (for yourself)? Do we become our mothers?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Is it time to abandon ship already?!

T's first assignment: List how you are like your mother.

It's an old saying that we become our mothers; PC people, do you think that's true?

don't abandon ship (you knew I would say that) but some bailing might be in order.

Can you make this ...fun somehow?

And no, I don't think that is true AT ALL!

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

It's an old saying that we become our mothers; PC people, do you think that's true?

I think that this is true only when people live their lives on autopilot or when they have mothers that they truly want to emulate.

But IME it is really difficult to become someone else if you are actively engaged in your own being and working towards the changes you want to make.

Anne

[Perna]

We inherit half our DNA from our mother, of course we are like her. I would start with physical characteristics; eye and hair color (and wave/straightness thereof -- hair of course, not eye :-) and then have a conversation with your mother about her memories of growing up and being your age? I'd also talk to siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles and see if they have any thoughts.

My grandmother use to visit and stay a long time (it was across country) when I was very young, ages 2-8 and would sleep in my room with me and I remember her snore. Well, my aunt couldn't stand her mother and when I was in my 20's and visiting my aunt (my grandmother was dead 5-10 years) I discovered she had the exact same snore as her mother! I told her and it really upset my aunt, she was determined to quit snoring as she didn't want anything to do with being like her mother

I don't know how old you are and if you remember your grandmother or have cousins, etc. but I know I was fascinated when attending family funerals to see how cousins were looking like our grandparents or their parents, etc.

Some character, personality, and other traits are inherited too. I'm a great navigator and my father and his sister, the above aunt, were both literal Navy navigators; he, ships and she, aviation. My husband and I share that attribute and his father was a naval aviator in WWII. My husband and I get along well partially because we had similar sorts of parents as well as lifestyle backgrounds.

My mother died when I was 3 and I don't remember her at all but I had a movie my father made around 1938-39 with her in a very brief, less than 30 second clip, where he's pointing the camera at her and she's laughing shyly and trying to hide her face and I literally feel what she felt when I watch it! It was a wonderful tool for me in therapy; I bought a cheap portable TV/VCR combo player and took it in and played it for my therapist to see.

Ask your mother what her favorite subjects were in school and what kind of grades she got. Think about whether she likes to read (and whether you do or not) and think about her life experiences, how she handled various things as they were happening to her for the first time (versus how she might feel about how you raise your children, for example).

My stepmother was very "aggressive" and controlling in most situations and I remember how shocked I was when my T explained that she was anxious, had to control, couldn't allow things to be as/what they were and develop as they might but had to force every issue to be the way she needed it to be. I thought about her life events and imagined what I would have felt/done in those situations and they were very similar; she had some out-of-control scary things happen to her! What do we do when we're scared, we make sure those kinds of things can't happen, we try to control our environment, take comfort in that illusion of control (fact is we can't control what's outside us and happens "to" us, only our response to it). But I learned some of my style of behavior from her as I am an anxious sort too.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Is it time to abandon ship already?!

T's first assignment: List how you are like your mother.

It's an old saying that we become our mothers; PC people, do you think that's true?

Did your T say why she was giving you that assignment?

There are things about my mother that I vowed not to do when I was a mother, and I haven't. I just so strongly hated parts of my childhood that I didn't want my own kids to go through that. There are other ways, though, that I am like my mother. We both have a love of language and place a great deal of value on education. We also are both disorganized, bordering on being hoarders (her my so than I). I look at that part of her and hope I don't grow into that as I get older. Already I see that I am worse now than 20 years ago, so it scares me. I'm fighting against it, but it's hard going.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

It's an old saying that we become our mothers; PC people, do you think that's true?

A lot of people do.
The ones that don't, are the ones who have done therapy.