[Starlightembers]

Warning: I know I need to write something, just to be able to vent. I give no promise this will be a well put together post.

As some of you may have gathered from some of my posts here, I am pretty much* terminating with T (who is also my PDoc). Though I feel healthy and ready to handle it -- despite me thinking that, with my history, I could find a reason to stay in therapy for the rest of my life if I wanted -- it is happening because I am moving. Though I am moving because of a great opportunity there (educational), it still came on very suddenly (late Dec) and has caught us both off guard. Tomorrow, Weds., is my last session. I leave on Friday.

I feel like an absolute, utter mess. Though I am functioning well and excited (a great victory, considering a little over a year and a half ago I was in the hospital -- again -- for suicidal ideation), when I am alone, I keep having fits in where I just break down, sobbing, in tears and inconsolable. I feel like a little kid, having a tantrum on the floor and screaming "NO!" over and over again as if yelling enough would change the reality. This T has been my father figure, my confidant, my rock, the person I could fall apart to and the person I could debate politics with. He has been there for me in my absolute worst -- depressed, psychotic and self-harming and my absolute best --now. He has not only saved my life, in the very literal sense; but given me life. He has given me the ability to laugh, to smile, to trust, to love, to go out and follow my passions in life. When I saw myself as a hopeless case and lost cause, he never doubted my ability to fight it, to come from the pits of Hell on Earth and be a productive human being who, though I would have to try a bit harder, was not held back by any trauma, dysfunction or diagnosis. He stayed with me and cared for me, nurtured me, when I had nobody else. And, once things got better, he challenged me with academic debate and discussion, valuing the opinions that I expressed. He is the reason I am alive; he is the reason I am in such a good place; and he has taught and given me more than I could ever repay.

And now it's all, for the most part*, coming to an end. Though he told me I could always call if I felt I needed it (he is the most available person on the face on the Earth -- he always makes sure his patients know he's there for them), I can't just come and see him, once a week, anymore. I can't just talk to him about the GOP candidates or the subjectivity of ethics or the value (or, in his mind, lack of) of the DSM-IV. I can't tell him about the things I did, the things I accomplished or the frustrations I faced. I can't see his smile, his awkward facial expressions, that look of concern he gives off, his disorganized office desk, the Drug Couch that he stores his samples under (it's pretty funny, actually) and I can't play with those stupid, white little curtain clips anymore. I won't have a Rock...or, anybody.

My heart feels as if a hole has been torn in it. A gap that he once filled -- now empty (again). A new place in my heart he was able to create -- unfulfillable. I want to scream and shout at how unfair the therapeutic relationship feels right now, asking you to expose your soul to someone and trust them -- to love them -- like you have never been able to with anybody else and then coldly, clinically, taking that person away. Because, lest one break a boundary, you can't be friends. You can't, post-therapy, call and take your T out to lunch. Or invite him to your graduation. Or have him come to your wedding. He can't be there for those milestones, for those 'big things' that happen in your life. Time goes on; but the relationship stops, dissolving into a memory that, like all others, grows increasingly distant with the number of days past. And there is nothing, nothing you can do about it.

This hurts. This is indescribable and, as much as a part of me whispers that I'll be OK, it doesn't make me full better. Because, G*d dammnit, I love him, I am going to miss him like nobody else and I feel like one, hot mess.

I need a hug.

Star

PS: Sorry for the long post. I just...needed to vent. Insights are welcome x10.

*Well, he did say on academic breaks I could come and see him but I feel...as life gets busy, as my schedule tightens and I move forward, this will become less likely.

[Perna]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are terminating because you are moving. I had to do that too (and spent the next couple years on the "surface" of myself; could not get "down" to where I lived). However, I did, for awhile, occasionally still write poems and send pictures to my old T (at business address), you might try that. They won't respond but you can still "know" they read and enjoyed it?

I was then without therapy for 9 years but found my way back to my therapist and did another round of therapy with her. You might stash that idea away; you don't really know where you will be in another 3, 5, 10, ? years and it's possible you will decided to end up back "here" and do some more therapy with your T.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Starlightembers

My heart feels as if a hole has been torn in it. A gap that he once filled -- now empty (again). A new place in my heart he was able to create -- unfulfillable. I want to scream and shout at how unfair the therapeutic relationship feels right now, asking you to expose your soul to someone and trust them -- to love them -- like you have never been able to with anybody else and then coldly, clinically, taking that person away. Because, lest one break a boundary, you can't be friends. You can't, post-therapy, call and take your T out to lunch. Or invite him to your graduation. Or have him come to your wedding. He can't be there for those milestones, for those 'big things' that happen in your life. Time goes on; but the relationship stops, dissolving into a memory that, like all others, grows increasingly distant with the number of days past. And there is nothing, nothing you can do about it. .

I am so sorry for your pain. I can't take it away (nor can i justify what you have so correctly described - sheesh couldn't they just accept a legal document saying, "if I ever want therapy again i swear I will find someone else" and just come to the graduation...) but i can give you this FWIW

I am sorry that it is so painful, but this is such a beautiful statement of your own growth and your work with your T that it really touched me.

I moved 1,000 miles away from my 2nd T, even though by the time I moved I had already terminated therapy by a couple of years. I was back in town about 4 years later and spent a session with her and my infant son. Then about 5 years later, I went back for another session. Both of these were really lovely, for both me and her. So I'd say even though it is goodbye, you never know when you might have the opportunity to snag a session in the future.

Anne

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Starlightembers

I need a hug.

[Nightlight]

All of the posts you've made about losing your T have really moved me. The relationship is amazing and healing in so many ways but I totally agree that in some ways it's also SO unfair.

I have a good idea of how I'm going to feel when I lose my T. I feel like it will break me. My T saved me and is the first person who has seen me. She has helped me more than anyone in the world and to lose her will be completely heartbreaking. The very idea makes me want to beg T not to leave me!

Maybe I relate so much to what you've been saying because I've had the help of a second T and was going to have my last appointment with her this Friday but she's off work and so it's been moved to next month. I'd been mentally preparing for the end of a relationship with one of the only people in the world who has known me, helped me and seen me. Now having to wait longer is also really hard.

I will be thinking about you because it is such a big loss and it will be so hard.

I'm so not a hug initiator in person but I'm sending a big hug your way.

[Nightlight]

I hope it went as well as a last appointment is able to go.

[Joanna_says]

Thank you for sharing! Your post has touched me deeply!
I hope your last session with your T went well!

I don't really have any words that might help. But it seems you have a lot of beautiful memories of the time with T that you can take with you and think about whenever time gets rough.
Time will also help a bit to ease the pain.
I have once lost the only person in my life that has always been encouraging and accepting me the way I am and I thought the pain will never go away.
But now so many years later I can tell you that it does.

I wish you all the best with moving! Sounds like a lot of exciting changes as well!