[rainbow8]

I emailed my T a very long email on Thursday. I had to get some of my feelings out about incidents in the past that made me feel powerless. I've been thinking about my boyfriend in college and how some parts of that relationship reminded me of my brother. On Friday I found that I was fantasizing about a "bad" part so I wrote her another short email. I'm disturbed about that part and my feelings from the past.

I wrote that the bad part wants to be powerful in the session and make my T do things that I want. Bad stuff. The part also is angry and wants to destroy things in her office. I'm not worried that will happen because my T and my Self won't let it, but I'm getting upset about this bad part. I know my T won't think she is bad, but she is very bad, in my mind.

What bothers me is that I want her to be bad and I'm not sure if she just wants attention or is she wants to be powerful like she couldn't be in the past, and isn't now. I emailed that I am willing to do EMDR about these feelings on Tuesday.

I don't have anyone else to talk about this "bad" part with. I know it's transference and I don't want to hurt my T but I want to use her like people used me. Does this sound really, really awful?

[growlycat]

It doesn't sound strange at all! I'm only guessing but maybe you are just trying to work through the past by replaying roles differently with your T.

Your post struck me because lately I have caught myself wanting very badly to please my T UNTIL I started to hate myself for needing his approval so badly. My own thoughts have been turning a little surly, like, why should I jump every time he says to? What if I did the opposite or blatantly refused to seek his approval by following his advice?

Sometimes therapy makes me feel manipulated, like a dancing bear and trainer. I'd like to take a swipe out of the trainer once in awhile.

I love my T and I start to feel badly about these thoughts. But I guess it is all part of the process.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Your post struck me because lately I have caught myself wanting very badly to please my T UNTIL I started to hate myself for needing his approval so badly. My own thoughts have been turning a little surly, like, why should I jump every time he says to? What if I did the opposite or blatantly refused to seek his approval by following his advice?

Sometimes therapy makes me feel manipulated, like a dancing bear and trainer. I'd like to take a swipe out of the trainer once in awhile.

My T actually seems to like it when I challenge her. We were talking once about people pleasing, and she asked me why I cared so much about what she thought about me. She told me my progress pleases her in and of itself and being my own person is progress. So I guess I do take a swipe every so often...

[growlycat]

I'm glad that you know what I mean!

As long as you are noticing your so-called "bad" thoughts I'm sure your T will know what to do with them.

There are some things regarding my health that my T is a hard-*** about. I know he gets cranky because he cares but that is hard to remember/believe even? I don't feel like I have any control over some of these things and that's where I clash with him.

I have had conflicting fantasies about being cared for by T, then about being abused by T. I don't know what to do with opposing urges to be taken care of or mistreated--it can be confusing. Where to go with that??

[faith1983]

Have you ever heard or read about shadow? I read a bit about it (my t is psychodynamic and suggest me 2 books about it) and it tells that everybody has a shadow... could be anything but it's usually a part that we try to hide or to contain because it could be socially "unacceptable". In my case for example, anger is... I don't show it, I try to contain it but boy that I feel it... the harder I try to hide it, the harder it is and I often express it in a not so good way... That's what your thread made me think about. As if you wanted to express something that you find either embarrasing or that make you feel shame or I don't know and that's the way you found to express it...
Anyway, I'm way out of subject. especially because I have hard time explaining it in a understandable manner!! I'm sorry about that!! But I hope everything's fine for you

Faith

[stopdog]

I would say have at it. Let the so called bad part surface and speak.

[WePow]

Oh how I understand the emotion of wanting to throw things around in T office!!!
I watch my T and he watches me very carefully. If I have anything in my hand when the pure RAGE starts to express, he has me set it down or I will set it aside myself because I know I am in the zone of destruction.

Be certain to express this part of yourself verball or even on your face while it is going on. I actually have made a point of letting myself make fists and find myself puching his couch pillows full force in those times of rage.

What you feel is something important which needs to be heard.

[granite1]

i spend a lot of time trying to not make my T into the horrible people in my past.in everything my first fesponce is to turn her all bad in my mind.to make her into these people and i am quite convincing. this is also when i know that she hates me and i am all bad also.i hope she will be able to remind you like mine does that you are not that person and neither is she.

[rainbow8]

growly: Thanks for your reply. I usually don't feel so much anger in therapy; it's happened only a few times. But it's there. I think conflicting thoughts about our Ts are normal but worthy of exploring.

Chopin: thanks. I also care a lot about what my T thinks of me so it's hard to tell her bad stuff.

Faith: thank you. No, I never heard of "shadow." I do think the bad part is a part of me I feel is unacceptable and shameful. It may be anger or something else that I need to explore in my therapy.

stopdog: I agree with you but that part may disappear when I get to my session. I think it hides so I hope my T won't forget that I emailed her about it though she probably won't bring it up if I don't.

WePow: thanks. Once my T told me I could throw her stuffed bear at her but I didn't want to. The only time I showed her anger was when I scribbled on papers and tore them up. The bad part is more than anger. I hope I will be able to talk about it at my next session.

granite: I hope my T can tell me that the bad part is not bad also. I'm glad you're learning to trust your T.

I'm obsessing about that part but trying to put it aside until my session. I don't know if I want it to go away or not. I know the feelings will disappear or lessen by then. It seems like when I get into my session, everything changes and I see my T more realistically so I can't access those emotional parts. Hopefully, EMDR will help me to access the "bad" part.

[Perna]

It sounds to me like it is a good bad part :-) Think of the overall picture and how you are trying to kind of map out yourself? You have the huge want-to-please/be with mother/therapist part but what else? It's all there but hard to tease out and here you have found a "bad" part, the other end of the spectrum? That you are currently looking at and focusing on it is okay, it's a point on the map of you; think of yourself like a jigsaw puzzle and it's one (or more :-) of the straight-line frame pieces?

[Sannah]

Good work!!

[rainbow8]

Perna and Sannah: thank you

I'm thinking today that this part is not bad, but she thinks she's bad. She wants to blurt out words. I'm confused; I'm starting another thread about it.