So I went in today and was gonna tell T about how she hurt me with her anger last week....she said it was ok to be mad at her, I told her contacted my Mother...mainly because I was mad at T and was going to try to fix my mommy issues on my own. It was a bad idea, shes the reason im so jacked up in the first place..we agreed it was a bad idea. All seemed well until it was time to go. I asked if we could talk about the rupture again next week. She said "what?" , I said thats what I call our falling out last week. She seemed weirded out about us talking about it again. She asked what I was afraid of... I knew the answer, but i also knew the truth was going to freak her out again....it took all I had to tell her i was afraid that she didnt like me and she got flustered again.... She said that i should know she likes me , she is modeling the healthy relationship and I should just know....that when i feel like people dont like me i need to ask myself if i have done something to cause that and realize that it isnt true...THAT IS THE THERAPY...she said. She has said she liked me 1 time in 6 months, its not like i ask 15 times a session and last week she was yelling at me...so to ask I dont feel was a stretch.

Here is the truth...I am 38 years old...I feel 15, 17 at best and I can play the role of grown up all day long at work...but the truth is im not, I dont FEEL my age. She likes to call me middle aged and today it pissed me off and I told her...she said " what is middle age?" I said like 50, she said oh, they must have changed it....WTF?

Am I a raving lunatic....I told her I needed to be honest with her but her reactions make me feel like I shouldnt say certain things...like do you like me, or apologize.. i apologize all the time.

I asked if i was a difficult client, she said I wasn't a difficult client I just make it difficult. WTF?

I have been seeing her for 6 months and I feel like all i have learned is what is ok to share and what is not. Turns out it is NOT ok to ask her if she likes me. I think she is freaked out about my concern for her liking me...guess what lady its not just you its everyone...dont flatter yourself. i said im not obssesed with you if thats what you think, its not just you.

I am a lesbian, long term relationship for 12 years, 2 kids, 3 grandkids and im NOT sexual attracted to her...its a mommy issue, I have. What is wrong with me that I dont feel my age? I have tried to tell her that but she doesnt believe me or doesnt buy it or cant deal with it... im not sure. But as a client shouldnt i tell her how i feel? On the way out today i told her between not being able to apologize and ask if you like me...she is limiting what I can say...

Do I need a new T or am I just a frickin idiot or am I totally nuts? She said she noticed I was angry today..and sarcastic as i took a couple jabs at her, intentionally...and they hit home. Really? me angry? Why because i cant be completly honest with you because your inflated ego thinks Im obsessed with you, if I ask if you like me? I told her " you were concerned about me caring if you liked me or not, but after last session, I really dont give a **** about that...Im not obsessed with you,Its not you"... T "Well thats not healthy to not care, Im concerned with that" WTFFFFFFFF I'm angry...I need help and you refuse to hear what i am telling you...stop calling me middle aged....WTFFFFFFF

She sees a 38 year old women...put a mirror in front of me and i see a teenager dressed up in her moms clothes... is this a disorder?

Fuuny thing is i thought a loving and nuturing T would be an issue for me with a need for maternal love....turns out a motherly looking figure who is mean will do.... I need advice

Is this normal procedure? I realize some T's have boundaries for the good of the client... i cant email or text or call unless Im fixin to off myself...face to face only...ok , fine..... but i cant be honest in session? Apparently my honesty scares her... i said cant you just say ..."seriously?", when I ask if you like me ( not every session do i ask, only when I feel like Ive done something wrong )...she got flustered again and said i cant change how i work.... we were over on time, even though she ran 10 minutes late at the begining...so we just kind of looked at each other and she said we have to be done... we both made audile sounds of exasperation...and i fumbled with my book " i just needed to schedule for the next 2 weeks as i have limited time.... o ok, she said well that takes 6 seconds...

please please please someone , tell me ...its not just me.....

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

1. She likes to call me middle aged and today it pissed me off and I told her - she said "what is middle age?" I said like 50, she said oh, they must have changed it... WTF? ... 2. T "Well thats not healthy to not care, Im concerned with that" WTFFFFFFFF ... 3. we both made audible sounds of exasperation...

1. How old is SHE?? 2. biyotch and 3. oh no she di-int!!!

So yes, one could say we are picking a fight because we want to go back to our wacky weed, but after so many "bad T" stories on here, I would want to know, how long has she been practicing, what is her degree or training, what is HER sexual orientation and how sure is she of it!, and what is up with the audibles?? That would not sit well with me AT ALL!!! Unless she was "reflecting" her client - which one of you (kids) started it?!

Originally Posted by hankster

1. How old is SHE?? 2. biyotch and 3. oh no she di-int!!!

So yes, one could say we are picking a fight because we want to go back to our wacky weed, but after so many "bad T" stories on here, I would want to know, how long has she been practicing, what is her degree or training, what is HER sexual orientation and how sure is she of it!, and what is up with the audibles?? That would not sit well with me AT ALL!!! Unless she was "reflecting" her client - which one of you (kids) started it?!

She's 64 , been practicing for 20 years , shes Hetrosexual and its not the addict talking...i am having no issues with that...new meds have made me stable enough to question her methods, or begin to think maybe im not the one who is wrong all the time. The audibals were us looking at each other knowing time is up and both just feeling defeated. Until i wanted to schedule another appointment and then she gave me those extra 6 seconds.

[growlycat]

I can relate to not feeling my age. My T fluctuates from being comfortable in a caretaker role but lately he seems mad that I don't take care of myself very well.."when are you going to start..." is what I'm hearing from him.

You and your T may not be a good fit. She seems unusually uncomfortable with the transference (which I am told "is a normal part of the process") even a bit prickly about it. I would maybe start interviewing other T's. You can choose not to tell her or tell her. Telling her may set her off but hey it's your life she's going to have to deal w/it!

I had a T years ago I saw for 2 years with so many impasses it wasn't funny. I finally got a consultation from a neutral party therapist (not someone the T knows!!) who interviewed us both separately and decided we were not a good fit for each other. I guess the consult told me what I already knew.

Hugs!! Sounds so painful, I'm so sorry--from one "kid" to another!

[stopdog]

I could not work with a therapist who I had to be careful to not make angry or hurt their feelings or whatever. I would look for a new one. However, if you are really certain you want to keep dealing with this one, I think maybe you could try telling her you are sort of in a bind and be blunt about what you wrote here.

stopdog... I can always count on you for an unemotional and rational response...thats what I needed to hear!

growlycat.. thank you and you are right, im trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian. We do live in the buckle of the bible belt, but im at the point im willing to roll the dice and have no T over the crap shes giving me. Assuming Im not the one being a jerk.

[unaluna]

yeah agree kick her to the kerb, she's an old fuddy-duddy but she probably was one in the crib! age has nothing to do with it, it's a state of mind!

[gma45]

I would be looking for a new t. I like the line...I am modeling a healthy relationship and you should just know? HELLO! I thought mind reading was not a great way to communicate? I don't think it's you she seems like she is not sure of herself around you.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian.

This is the same T you are talking about? RUN!!!!

(be wary of anyone who suggests "Only I will fix you")

[CantExplain]

Middle age is between forty and sixty - isn't it?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I could not work with a therapist who I had to be careful to not make angry or hurt their feelings or whatever. I would look for a new one.

Absolutely correct.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian.

That does it! She's FIRED.


Even in the Bible Belt, there is no excuse for this attitude from a therapist.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian. .

She told you what?! I'm shocked that she said that. And I'm even more horrified to imagine a world where that might be even partly true. The very core of therapy is a non-judgemental stance. It's not about the T's values or goals or choices. It's about the client's. The T's job is to facilitate that. Even when they don't agree. The only exception I can imagine is if the T is employed by an organization (e.g. a church) where homosexuality conflicts with their values...

I guess this doesn't solve your dilemma though, Lola, in that you probably want a T who's doing more than 'tolerating' you. It does sound like your T can't hack it. I'm not sure to what extent her discomfort is linked to your sexual orientation, or whether it's about your maternal feelings towards her, but it sounds like she's not willing to be what you need.

I completely empathise with not feeling like a grown up (I started a thread which may still be floating around called 'not a grown up') and I believe that this is the core work of therapy for me- for me and T to grow me up. I knew I needed a T who could cope with me making her a mother figure and was up to the task of growing me up. And one who could cope with my gayness and the fact that sometimes mothering and attraction get mixed up for me. I was up front about this from the start and it was clear that my T could cope. I really hope you can find a T who can too

I know I bang on about therapy models/frameworks quite a lot, and I know that quite a lot of people post that their Ts are eclectic and they're happy with that, but I do think that starting with the 'right' kind of therapy can be helpful when you've got a clear understanding of your goal. it also means that you and the T are vaguely on the same page regarding your expectations. The aim of schema therapy, for example, is to strengthen the healthy adult and enable her to look after the vulnerable child in us. A key part of the therapy is limited reparenting by the T, which sounds like it might be what you're looking for? I know that rainbow also posts about IFS and the goal of strengthening the self to support all parts of us. Can you find a T from the schema therapy institute?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Improving

She told you what?! I'm shocked that she said that. And I'm even more horrified to imagine a world where that might be even partly true.?

I agree that even in the Bible Belt there must be T's that aren't bigots. I don't think most religious people (politicians aside) are necessarily "for or against" one's sexual orientation. The media makes it sound like everyone's a bigot, but more than half of all Americans are fine with gay marriage, which must mean even more don't have a judgement towards the individual.

Originally Posted by growlycat

I agree that even in the Bible Belt there must be T's that aren't bigots. I don't think most religious people (politicians aside) are necessarily "for or against" one's sexual orientation. The media makes it sound like everyone's a bigot, but more than half of all Americans are fine with gay marriage, which must mean even more don't have a judgement towards the individual.

You'd be amazed about certain areas in the Bible belt. It does depend on whether you are in a metropolatin or rural area. I went to university in the middle of one of the most "bibley" of the Bible belt areas. I am a Christian, but not of one of the two mainline fundamentalist denominations that predominate that area. On the university, it wasn't bad as universities tend to be more moderate, but outside the campus it was another world. A bit scary actually. I have no trouble believing finding a practitioner with more liberal views might be an issue.

Originally Posted by Improving

She told you what?! The aim of schema therapy, for example, is to strengthen the healthy adult and enable her to look after the vulnerable child in us. A key part of the therapy is limited reparenting by the T, which sounds like it might be what you're looking for? I know that rainbow also posts about IFS and the goal of strengthening the self to support all parts of us. Can you find a T from the schema therapy institute?

Wanna hear something funny.... I did a search for T's in my area who do Schema and...... Drum roll please.....my current T is the only one listed!

Originally Posted by Improving

She told you what?! the fact that sometimes mothering and attraction get mixed up

I do not get those 2 mixed up... I told T that, I don't think she believes me... But I've known I was gay way before I realized my mother was a bad mom. I am in no way attracted to T at all and I have told her that as well.

There is a chance that I am doing something WRONG... That's what I need to know. I have trouble thinking I am doing something wrong all the time. Hence I apologize all the time and worry that people don't like me. I went on new meds a few weeks back and I feel much more stable. I think that is why I even have the courage to question this process... As before I was just crying a bunch and listening to T talk.... I'm back in my settled mind and "out of my head".... That's progress

I feel horrible like I have been bashing my T. We get along pretty good when we talk superficially , we have things in common, although my sarcasm and humor sometimes are received with a weird look... Like she doesn't know if I'm joking or not. But, when it comes to my mommy issue and thinking everyone doesn't like me, things go left. I want to ask T if it's me as a client that seems to be too much , is she having countertransference , do I weird her out? I once caught her off guard when I asked if she had biological children and she said no. It was obvious that she wishes she hadn't answered that. I am no longer aloud to ask personal questions.

She made it perfectly clear that we will not be discussing anything about her including her feelings. I'm not a bad person and I'm not stark raving mad, I've went 37 years without therapy and managed to do well for myself. I want to ask her if she thinks another T may be better for me or if I'll run into these same issues.

Thanks for all the support at least I can say what I feel on here!

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian. We do live in the buckle of the bible belt, but im at the point im willing to roll the dice and have no T over the crap shes giving me. Assuming Im not the one being a jerk.

Ah, I'm calling BS! NO freaking way. I am also in the Bible belt, in one of the REDDEST fricking states ever and there are plenty of therapists who don't give a rat's behind about someone's sexual orientation. I was reading a study recently about how psychologists as a group are among the most liberal, unconventional thinkers of all professions.

Yup, this is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'm all for facing up to issues in therapy- I think we can learn a lot about fixing fractured relationships in that environment- but I am going to agree with those who have encouraged you to find a new T. This is a deal breaker. Your therapist should NOT make you feel guilty about being a lesbian, what is this, 1950?

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Ah, I'm calling BS! NO freaking way. I am also in the Bible belt, in one of the REDDEST fricking states ever and there are plenty of therapists who don't give a rat's behind about someone's sexual orientation. I was reading a study recently about how psychologists as a group are among the most liberal, unconventional thinkers of all professions.

Hooh, that's interesting. I also live in a red state. One time T commented that he was born & raised here. I just now realized that I took that to mean that he was the typical conservative state-native. It's made me feel a little distant from him because I had told him I came from a very liberal area and went into culture-shock when I moved here. Technically I have NO idea if he's liberal or not, I just know he was born in this state. An interesting little splash of reality to make my morning interesting.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by lucydog

Your therapist should NOT make you feel guilty about being a lesbian, what is this, 1950?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

So I went in today and was gonna tell T about how she hurt me with her anger last week....she said it was ok to be mad at her, I told her contacted my Mother...mainly because I was mad at T and was going to try to fix my mommy issues on my own. It was a bad idea, shes the reason im so jacked up in the first place..we agreed it was a bad idea. All seemed well until it was time to go. I asked if we could talk about the rupture again next week. She said "what?" , I said thats what I call our falling out last week. She seemed weirded out about us talking about it again. She asked what I was afraid of... I knew the answer, but i also knew the truth was going to freak her out again....it took all I had to tell her i was afraid that she didnt like me and she got flustered again.... She said that i should know she likes me , she is modeling the healthy relationship and I should just know....that when i feel like people dont like me i need to ask myself if i have done something to cause that and realize that it isnt true...THAT IS THE THERAPY...she said. She has said she liked me 1 time in 6 months, its not like i ask 15 times a session and last week she was yelling at me...so to ask I dont feel was a stretch.

Here is the truth...I am 38 years old...I feel 15, 17 at best and I can play the role of grown up all day long at work...but the truth is im not, I dont FEEL my age. She likes to call me middle aged and today it pissed me off and I told her...she said " what is middle age?" I said like 50, she said oh, they must have changed it....WTF?

Am I a raving lunatic....I told her I needed to be honest with her but her reactions make me feel like I shouldnt say certain things...like do you like me, or apologize.. i apologize all the time.

I asked if i was a difficult client, she said I wasn't a difficult client I just make it difficult. WTF?

I have been seeing her for 6 months and I feel like all i have learned is what is ok to share and what is not. Turns out it is NOT ok to ask her if she likes me. I think she is freaked out about my concern for her liking me...guess what lady its not just you its everyone...dont flatter yourself. i said im not obssesed with you if thats what you think, its not just you.

I am a lesbian, long term relationship for 12 years, 2 kids, 3 grandkids and im NOT sexual attracted to her...its a mommy issue, I have. What is wrong with me that I dont feel my age? I have tried to tell her that but she doesnt believe me or doesnt buy it or cant deal with it... im not sure. But as a client shouldnt i tell her how i feel? On the way out today i told her between not being able to apologize and ask if you like me...she is limiting what I can say...

Do I need a new T or am I just a frickin idiot or am I totally nuts? She said she noticed I was angry today..and sarcastic as i took a couple jabs at her, intentionally...and they hit home. Really? me angry? Why because i cant be completly honest with you because your inflated ego thinks Im obsessed with you, if I ask if you like me? I told her " you were concerned about me caring if you liked me or not, but after last session, I really dont give a **** about that...Im not obsessed with you,Its not you"... T "Well thats not healthy to not care, Im concerned with that" WTFFFFFFFF I'm angry...I need help and you refuse to hear what i am telling you...stop calling me middle aged....WTFFFFFFF

She sees a 38 year old women...put a mirror in front of me and i see a teenager dressed up in her moms clothes... is this a disorder?

Fuuny thing is i thought a loving and nuturing T would be an issue for me with a need for maternal love....turns out a motherly looking figure who is mean will do.... I need advice

Is this normal procedure? I realize some T's have boundaries for the good of the client... i cant email or text or call unless Im fixin to off myself...face to face only...ok , fine..... but i cant be honest in session? Apparently my honesty scares her... i said cant you just say ..."seriously?", when I ask if you like me ( not every session do i ask, only when I feel like Ive done something wrong )...she got flustered again and said i cant change how i work.... we were over on time, even though she ran 10 minutes late at the begining...so we just kind of looked at each other and she said we have to be done... we both made audile sounds of exasperation...and i fumbled with my book " i just needed to schedule for the next 2 weeks as i have limited time.... o ok, she said well that takes 6 seconds...

please please please someone , tell me ...its not just me.....

I havent read your whole post yet just skimmed it, but thought I could shed some light on one of your "WTF" issues....

in the USA there is age brackets...

baby/infants are from birth to about a yr and a half

toddler is from about a yr and a half to about 3-4 yrs old.

the term child is used anywhere from birth to about 10 or 11.

tween bracket is that age where a person isnt quite a child anymore but yet not a teen ager by age yet - 11-12 yrs.

the teen age yrs are 13-19.

adult is anyone 18 and above, some states say 21 and above.
for most people mid life crisis hits at 30-31 yrs where people start question what they have done with their life, their life has gone by and they havent accomplished anything kind of thoughts so the start of mid life is age 30 here in the USA.

the "golden" age or senior, older generation or old ages brackets are anywhere between 50 - on up.

these age brackets give or take a couple came into being back when life expectancy was that healthy people died around the ages of 70-80. the middle range (mid life) at 30-35 because a long time ago it was the half way point of a healthy human beings life span.

now it may seem a bit strange to have these age brackets where they are because people now can live to be over 100 yrs old. but no one has ever challenged /changed / updated those statistical age brackets so they stand as it.

no you are not a raving lunitic... most people including me dont feel their age.. I know a woman that is 85 yrs young. she still works a full day, goes home makes meals for her great grandkids, grand kids and sons and daughters.. retire isnt in her vocabulary and neither is the term act your age. one of these days I know her Daughter my next door neighbor is going to get a call saying this young woman of 85 who knows not the phrase - too old to do that, finally did something that resulted in broken bones or worse.

I think its great some people still have the energy of the young despite their being in their midlife yrs, senior yrs, ...

Are those boundary's that your T set normal and reasonable yes. all therapists have their own boundary's some set more than others. my opinion therapists are not like the saying goes - one shoe fits all. sometimes it takes time and many therapists but if you keep trying someday you will find the one thats right for you.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Wanna hear something funny.... I did a search for T's in my area who do Schema and...... Drum roll please.....my current T is the only one listed!

Lola... ironic, huh?! But maybe this is a good thing? At least it gives you a framework to go back to T and be clear about what you want. It enables you to be specific about e.g. limited reparenting, and for T to have a shared frame of reference for that. From what you've said about your T's stance (i.e. not nurturing) elsewhere, it's not clear to me whether she is capable of limited reparenting but choosing not to do it with you, or whether her therapeutic stance or personality just aren't suited to schema therapy. Given that she's listed as having schema training, it may be that you already have a T who can provide what you need, if you can negotiate that with her

[rockymtngal]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian.

RUN RUN RUN!!! She's ****ing crazy!

Seriously, something is way wrong with her!

[anilam]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

T told me when we first started i would be hard pressed to find another T willing to take me because i am a lesbian. We do live in the buckle of the bible belt, but im at the point im willing to roll the dice and have no T over the crap shes giving me. Assuming Im not the one being a jerk.

WTF?
That would be IT for me. Maybe you do repeat your rs with your mother. I would find someone better.
I will finish reading this post, but this made me so mad.

Finished:-)
Are you trying to apologise for her behaviour? Therapy is not about you pleasing your T. T should help you realise what you are doing, why and what effect it may have on other ppl, not made you feel guilty. Most of us are expert on that field already. :-(
I would search for another T, she cant be the only one.