Closure vs No Closure with T?

Trigger for those who don't like to think about ending therapy.

I've decided to stop therapy. Its not a big rupture or anything horrible...in fact it feels like me and t are friends, which might be part of the trouble. Its just that I'm tired of spinning my wheels and banging my head against this same brick wall over and over again. I don't think my T. can get me past this. We cycle over and over and it always comes back to this and I can't seem to get past it. So to make a long story short...

I have a decision to make. My last session with T. was like two friends shooting the breeze... he was happy, I was happy... I like that as my last memory. I could go to my next session and tell him in person but then I risk tainting my final memory of T because he will not be happy. When I mentioned terminating he gave a long lecture that termination was something that we both should agree on and is a process... or I could just call and leave a voice mail thanking him for everything and telling him that I'm done with therapy and cancel my standing appointment.

For those who have voluntarily left a t. (not necessarily on bad terms), what do you suggest? what was your experience?

I've never left on good terms. Also, I never found termination sessions useful at all. They were just painful. If anything, if you have unresolved issues they seem best placed with a new T, not rehashing w/the old one.

Are you leaving therapy with this T or for good with any T?

How long have you been with this T?

I think that for me, since I have been with my T for quite a few years and we've worked so hard on our relationship, it wouldn't feel "fair" to just disappear. I know that I CAN, and that it's totally within my rights as a client...but it just doesn't feel like it would honor the work we've done together.

I don't know if that relates to your situation at all...but that's the first thing that popped into my head.
to you

I never regretted walking away without further ado from the one I left.

I've experienced it all kinds of ways. Terminated suddenly with no notice and no opportunity to process. Not terminated and left on own terms without final session. Left on own terms with final session (it was sudden but still had the ability to process it in a session).

None of them were easy for me. By far, the most helpful, for me, was when I left on my own terms and processed it with my T.

Thanks you've given me something to think about.

I haven't decided... I have to decide if this is something that is a "me thing" or a "t and me thing". Maybe this feeling emotions thing is just something that I'm not in a place to do yet and it wouldn't matter who the t. was.

I've been with T. for just over a year. I don't want to dishonor the work we've done so far so I may possibly send him a note to thank him and list all the important things I learned.

It may not be fair to not let him have his time to share but therapy is supposed to be about me and its never been just about me so I feel like I have the right to have termination on my own terms... if that makes any sense.

I left my old T--- unfortunatley, with a phone session. It felt kinda wierd--spending a year and a half with her in person but, not not ending it--seeing her in person. but, at the same time-- i felt the relief I think you are talking about-- like I felt as if I had of went in person I might have changed my mind.

The key is-- what do YOU need? What do YOU want? At the end of the day, you are the one who is going to have deal with it much more then your T will. The client always carries the burden more then the T does. also, nothings really set in stone-- life happens-- ya know, so- you choose not to go back and then two weeks later u decide that u want to call your T and end it in person-- life happens- T's understand this- you can be flexible with your decision somewhat. I try not to be though, just because it was soo hard for me to quit- my old T.

There is nothing unfair about it, and even if in some way there was, there is no need in therapy to be fair. You absolutely have the right to have termination on your own terms.

so unbelievably true!!

I left my first therapist after being with her close to a year, and we were not on bad terms. She really wasn't helping me anymore and I had come to believe I had exhausted her skills. I didn't intend to terminate therapy with her, I just ended up not going back to see her. It was totally not deliberate! In retrospect, I wish I had terminated deliberately and had a last session with her. This would have been the considerate and adult thing to do. But I was pretty self-absorbed back then and this never occurred to me. I'm also very conflict avoidant, so if I had known I was going to terminate I probably wouldn't have wanted to have a last session. I think I have grown a lot since then, with the help of T2, and I would now be able to have a termination session with her and even welcome one. I would want to use it as a time to sum up our work together, reflect on accomplishments, what I still had left to work on, and what my next steps were. It would be a chance to say thank you to her. And it would give her a chance to give me some observations on myself and perhaps some pointers for the future. I just feel more mature now, like I could do this. It seems immature and inconsiderate how I just left her before. I know this is different from what you are proposing, ReadytoStop, but this is how I would handle it now that I am older and wiser and not as self-absorbed as i was back then. You do not seem that way to me, Readytostop. You are being very thoughtful about this. (Maybe the depression contributed to my acting that way, who knows.)

A couple of years ago I saw a family therapist together with my daughter, and when we decided to stop seeing him, I really wanted to do it "right", to model that behavior for my daughter. So we had a really nice last session. The T was kind of surprised we were going to terminate, but he worked with us to have a good last session, sum up progress, say what we had each liked about working with each other, etc. It was good! Made me wish even more I hadn't left my first T without a word.

With my current T, I would never leave him without processing it together with him, and I could see us taking a few sessions for that. We are too close for me to slight him by leaving without a word. Our relationship is real and I would want to honor that and our work together. It would be a horrible thing to just never show up again like I did with my first therapist. I'm a lot closer to my current T, plus I just didn't know any better back then.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have never voluntarily left a T on good terms.
I can't think of any reason I would want to.

You ABSOLUTELY have the right to terminate however it feels right for you.

It sounds like the bigger issue is the fact that you feel like your therapy has never been just about you. Have you talked to T about that? SO much of my growth with T has come through working through the things that come up in our relationship. And it's REALLY hard to talk about...but super important, because that's how I learn to work through things in my relationships outside of T.

Just a thought

Thanks nightsky... I started a new thread to see if anyone else suffers from the mirror/reflective behavior thing like I do...

UPDATE: I received the following email from my T.:

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you sooner. I took the weekend to avoid phones, emails, etc. I’m not comfortable with therapy ending by email. I think these are important issues to discuss that we should discuss in person. Would you be willing to come to session this Thursday? I hope this message finds you well. Take care.

I wasn't expecting a response from him nor did I ask for one...so its odd to me that he apologized for not sending it sooner. I sent it on Friday morning. This is making it harder to just stop going. I still haven't decided what to do yet.

If you choose to go back because it will help you, then great. Whether he is comfortable with it or not is NOT your problem.

Thank you for pointing that out. I didn't even read the words "I'm not comfortable". I just picked up on the guilty feelings that I was raised on.

Thanks for reminding me that his comfort is not the concern its mine that matters. My therapy is about me and I can't end it how I see fit!!! (thank for empowering me even if the feeling won't last too long)

I don't see the "I'm not comfortable" comment in a negative light. He's using an "I" statement, which is the hallmark of good communication. He's not putting it on you, "you shouldn't terminate because you are not ready" or something like that. He's respecting your right to terminate. He's just telling you how he feels. Good for him. He's not asking you to give a s**t or feel sorry for him or make what he said your problem. Just being respectful and using good communication skills. You seem very sensitive about his use of the "I" statement, and that probably says something about your therapy relationship. I agree with nightsky's comment that maybe this is a marker of your not feeling that therapy has been just about you. Sounds like something bigger at work here. I think this point is worth working out with your T. Also, you mentioned you were picking up on guilty feelings in your T's message. I didn't detect that. I think you're on to something when you wrote your feeling there is harkening back to your childhood experiences. I don't know--it sounds like there is still much to do with this T that would be useful.

I sent another email explaining my whole feeling maze analogy and the reflective mirror feelings to which he replied (see other thread) but it sounds like it is done.