[learning1]

If you have wondered if your t's issues are affecting your therapy, did you ask him/her about it? Do you think it is appropriate? Were you afraid it could be hurtful to him/her?

I don't mean necessarily affecting your therapy in an extreme way, but even if it is subtle. I think everyone's issues affect them, so t's issues must affect how they do therapy.

I'm afraid to ask my t about this though partly because it could be mean and hurtful to him if it's right. But more because he's so much better at communicating about this stuff than me I don't think he'd let anything I say hurt him or affect him very much, but if he disagrees, he can pretty easily hurt me.

Originally Posted by learning1

If you have wondered if your t's issues are affecting your therapy, did you ask him/her about it? Do you think it is appropriate? Were you afraid it could be hurtful to him/her?

I don't mean necessarily affecting your therapy in an extreme way, but even if it is subtle. I think everyone's issues affect them, so t's issues must affect how they do therapy.

I'm afraid to ask my t about this though partly because it could be mean and hurtful to him if it's right. But more because he's so much better at communicating about this stuff than me I don't think he'd let anything I say hurt him or affect him very much, but if he disagrees, he can pretty easily hurt me.

Yes I have wondered but I didn't have the guts to ask him so I'm pretty much not the person to comment but I'm thinking of you and I hope you find peace about your T.

[Wren_]

i don't want you getting hurt ... but if you think something is impacting your therapy that is coming from him ... it might be that you do need to talk about it. with the what therapists had shared about themselves thread; one of the ones there who had talked a lot about their own past - i had to discuss with them about the impact it had on the sessions between us and she was glad i asked about it. from what you said about his own parents as an example; it might beimportant to clear the air there

[kitten16]

Great thread learning1! Yep, I had a T who started acting really weird about four months in. Every fourth session or so, he'd stare at me with a crazy look, start responding to me in speeded-up, clipped speech, and look at the clock every five minutes. When he would announce we were done, it was with an expression that said, "Thank gawd, I'm so sick of you, please get the hell out of my office immediately!"

The first time he did this to me, I was so stunned that I went home and cried about it for the whole week. I remember that the next day was New Year's Eve, and I was so upset about it that I didn't go to a party I'd been invited to - I just lay in bed, feeling sick over what had happened.

When I saw him next, I asked him about his behavior at the previous session. He looked puzzled and said he couldn't possibly remember everything he'd done in every session.

I did my best to tactfully describe his actions and manner, and added that his behavior had caused me to feel really bad. He said something therapisty like, "What kind of space were you in, that my behavior on that day made you feel worse." I'm sort of paraphrasing, but it was one of those therapisty deflections.

I felt angry that he was denying that anything had happened. "So you're saying this was all my perception?" We went back and forth on that.

I left the session simply furious. The next few sessions were much better, with him giving me unusual suave smiles and laughing (which he never does) at my little jokes. So it seemed like something had sunk in, and though it felt like my T had been replaced by a pod person, I was mollified - it seemed he was trying to not be such an asshat.

And then - another bad session, with a resumption of his distracting, rude, ticky behavior and a sense of him needing to end the session quickly and get me out of the room. Again, I went home as the experience of the session began to sink in.

When I went back and complained about his behavior, he again denied that anything was wrong on his end. He remembered nothing, in fact. And he not only did that, but had had a special request for me: "When something happens like that again, and you feel there's something wrong in our session, would you tell me while it's happening? Don't wait until the next session. Tell me while it's going on, okay?"

And I just saw RED. I said, No, I couldn't do that, because when the weird things happened, they were so strange that I was totally thrown for the whole session. Only later, when I went over the session again in my mind, would I realize what had happened. I told him I didn't like being given instructions, and that I would tell him my issues when they occurred to me. I couldn't possibly do it sooner, because I had to become conscious of my own reactions. And this would take time.

We went back and forth for a number of sessions - I BEGGED him to tell me whether the problem was something I was doing, or something interfering in our sessions from outside.

He would give me this puzzled look, like, why would you need to know that?

So I'm trying to explain it to him like he's a frickin' four year old. I said, "Look T, I need to know whether your occasional weird moods have something to do with me, or whether it's you. If there's something I'm doing that's triggering your bad mood - like I'm putting my foot on the couch, for instance - then you can tell me that, and I won't do it anymore. Problem solved.

But if there's something going on in your life that's parachuting into our sessions and messing things up for me during my session that I'm paying for, then you NEED to tell me! Because that's something that I CAN'T fix, and if it's going to continue, we need to discuss our options."

He continued to screw up, and I finally had to terminate.

I never did figure out what his problem was! But he lives on in my pantheon of terrible therapists as Evil T.

[ECHOES]

My T is a real person, with real feelings, and things happen in relationships.

When I told my T last night that I had thoughts about quitting therapy, just disappearing and never coming back, she told me later in the session that she is hurt when someone leaves without talking about it and when they don't return her calls.
I really appreciated her honesty.

[SoupDragon]

Maybe I am harsh, but I expect to be able to talk to my T about anything - I trust that he is able to keep himself safe and get appropriate supervision - in fact this is something that he told me early on, that I must not worry about him as he can look after himself.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by learning1

If you have wondered if your t's issues are affecting your therapy, did you ask him/her about it? Do you think it is appropriate? Were you afraid it could be hurtful to him/her?

1. It is T's job to keep his own issues to himself and certainly not dump them on the patient.

2. T should make it clear that the patient should never worry about hurting him. "It is normal to feel strongly during therapy. I want you to share whatever you feel. You don't have to spare my feelings."

My first therapist I ever had I felt was wonderful, she told me how much she looks forward to our appointments (left me feeling that I must perform even more incase this changes). Talked a lot about herself and even sent me a poem she had written about suffering to show me all humans suffer (had no inner strenght to put my problems over hers at this point and felt bad to talk about me and wanted to please so wanted her to tell me even more about her). Told 2months off when her dog died, yes dog, because she told me when she came back, that she had to weight up taking care of me (did I feel bad, versus taking care of herself) .

I think I could write a comedy out of that experience and up until I got the T I have now, I thought she was doing it right lol

[Chloe2]

I have wondered, but I don't think i could say anything. Partly because I fear hitting a sore spot for him.

Originally Posted by learning1

If you have wondered if your t's issues are affecting your therapy, did you ask him/her about it? Do you think it is appropriate? Were you afraid it could be hurtful to him/her?

I think this was an issue with my recent xT. I dabbled into that realm and I perceived it as her feeling like I was questioning her or trying to play doctor on her and she did not like it at all. I think it depends on your relationship with your T and if they can handle being vulnerable in front on clients.

[learning1]

Kitten, that sounds awful and really weird. Hope you have a better t now.

Echoes, wow, that's really cool your t said that. I thought they are supposed to not take it personally when a client leaves, so I assumed they wouldn't say that. But, if they really care of course they would feel something if a client leaves. It's wonderful your t was open about that. I suppose for some clients it would be uncomfortable if they really want to leave without feeling guilty about hurting the t. I had one t where that would have happened- I was glad he didn't say so if he would have felt bad about me leaving. I do feel a little bad that I left without explaining to him, but I felt he'd be okay with it.

Cant Explain, I'm not sure about your number 2. I mean, what if one of the things the client needs to work on is being more open and vulnerable, which can mean showing that you [client] care about others.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by learning1

Cant Explain, I'm not sure about your number 2. I mean, what if one of the things the client needs to work on is being more open and vulnerable, which can mean showing that you [client] care about others.

I've struggled with this myself. At one point I said to T, "I'm not prepared to keep using you as a punching bag." She said it was OK to use her that way. I said, "No it isn't. You're a human being and deserve some consideration and respect."