A T's own history

I wondered ... how many T's have shared their own or part of their history with you when they had experienced their own share of things like abuse? This isn't true in my current situation, but my first T very early told me all about her life growing up including nearly dying when she was a baby; being abused by her parents; then later her husband who she ended up leaving and not leaving much to the imagination. I found it really difficult because there was always that feeling as though her problems were bigger than mine so why was it she coped and got on with her life so well; and I had so many problems with mine. Then I spoke to a guy a few times last year and he did something similar describing detailed CSA followed by a history as an alcholic and talked about his own therapy a lot; again I felt that feeling of I couldn't say anything because he might not think it mattered. I can see where maybe they think it could help to show that others get through things? or that, they understand what it is like to hurt? I found it also hindered and I withheld a lot, and also worried about triggering their own pain and flashbacks. Again, this isn't the current situation, I was just thinking about it and wanted to ask.

My latest T told me her coming out story after I asked about it. She had a much, much better experience than I did which is surprising in one way because she's about 20 yrs older than me and unsurprising in another because mine was so awful. She kind of gave me a rundown of her relationship history too--(typical lesbian serial monogamist). But in the process of telling me about coming out, she described her family as seeming to be one of the few functional ones I've heard about.

I found that really comforting. I told her that she's exactly the sort of person who should become a therapist or a parent. (When people ask me if I want kids, I always tell them no and point to my uterus and say, "The crazy train stops here.") Now I know she's probably a very secure person (which has been my impression anyway), so I won't have to worry about her issues interfering with my work (or I'll have to worry less anyway).

I can understand the benefits of having someone who has suffered in the same way treating you. It just seems very risky to me since it depends on them having done some truly serious independent work on themselves instead of trying to fix themselves by being a therapist which, unfortunately, I think happens more than a little.

I asked my T what brought her to therapy and she said, "I'm not going to tell you!"
Later on she did tell me, but it was really only the trigger, not the stuff she had to work on.
On another occasion I wondered out loud if she had suffered, and she confirmed that she had.

That's all I know for sure, and this is a rare instance where I think the slate should be blank.

2 days ago last session my T revealed to me a few major things about his past. And not good ones. It was relevant to my situation, just not totally out of the blue, but at first I was actually kind of speechless because he doesn't reveal too much... I don't know after he did I felt like closer to him, that he trusted me to share those things which were very personal and could be embarassing to him.
An ongoing topic with us is be doesn't care/ he has perf life, no probs & I can barely keep mine together. So maybe that's why he shared what he did? Idk. But I walked away from that session feeling a lot different than I usually do and I mean in a good way.
He did share about almost 10 min worh at end of our session though so I couldn't ask too many questions :/. ....well see if it's affected the therapy sessions....for me it's too early to tell.

After a while of talking about my wanting a different mother and feeling ashamed of this she decided to share that she felt this way for a long time. It's been in dribs and drabs that she shared about this (first in an email) and never too detailed, but it is extraordinarily helpful to know that she gets *it* in a way that someone who never had this deep wanting could. This has made it easier to talk about these feelings with her. Other than this I don't know much about her issues and I honestly like it that way because I'm a worrier and might worry about her, even though she can completely take care of herself. I also feel that she's really grounded and stable--I'm certain of this--and I need a therapist who's at a good place her in her life, has done a fair amount of therapy on herself, and whose issues won't interfere with our therapy relationship.

I'm surprised to hear about the level of disclosure your two previous therapists engaged in, TG. I think that would make me pretty uncomfortable too, especially if it was unsolicited. I agree that it can be helpful to know a *little* about a T's history, as it relates to my own story, but I don't know that I want to know the nitty gritty details.

A couple of years ago I asked my T if she had ever been depressed (my main presenting concern). She said that she had, but that she hadn't ever been suicidal. At the time, that was enough for me. I think there's this fine line between wanting to satisfy my curiosity about her and learning more information than I really want to know. I'm tempted to ask her why she became a T and whether it's at all related to her own history. Not sure if I have the guts to do that though.

My T has shared some of her past with me and I know she can relate to me.

T hasn't shared a lot.. but just today, we were talking about having bad things happening.. He said something to the effect of.. Just b/c I am a T and trained in this stuff, doesn't mean I haven't had things fall apart, I have had struggles too and God was there for me through out it." (we are both Christians and are okay with talking faith issues in thearpy). He has mentioned his fathers death before as well. That is about it. I think that is just enough to share. It shows, that he can relate to me, but doesn't get too personal.

In late September, I actually got to see T going through her own stuff. A week after her second chemo treatment for breast cancer, she scheduled two appointments...I was the second. It was too soon, she should have cancelled and stayed in bed; however, the fact that she made the choice to come in anyway was integral to my healing.

Even though I didn't like that she was suffering, it really allowed me to see her as a person suffering like I was (I was in a deep depression). She tried to use what she was going through therapeutically, but couldn't completely...and I don't blame her for that. She looked and obviously felt like she'd been run over by an 18-wheeler. I don't think she even charged me for that session; but it was definitive for me. We connected that session for the first time and I saw her as human rather than just T.

Our relationship has evolved a bit strangely since then, but it's working...and that's what matters. I've learned that she sees all her clients as people, not diagnoses or cases and that she's been through many of the same challenges that I have.

I've had quite a few different experiences with different Ts.

My second T told me all about her history of abuse, being neglected, violent ex-husband, etc. It was not appropriate to the situation whatsoever, and I stopped seeing that T shortly after the disclosure cause I was so uncomfortable. I saw her for about six months, I think, and knew more about her in those short six months than I knew about some of my friends that I had known for years.

The T I saw after that for a little over a year, was more tight-lipped, but she had pictures of her kids around, and was really mom-like to me, which for a while, was nice. Until she started unloading her kid and ex-husband challenges during my appointments, then, once again, I had to say farewell. This T was really hard to leave cause I was kind of attached, but not attached enough to feel so uncomfortable with her disclosures.

The T I saw after that on and off for nearly 4 years (I think?) worked out of her home, and after a while, it just got too complicated. I actually ended with this T on good terms, and would not hesitate to contact her again if need be. (Can't say that for the previous two)

The T I saw after that for about 4 months, once again, unloaded her miserable personal life as a single "older" woman, and while our work together was short term from the get go, it was shortened because I couldn't handle her taking half my appointments talking about her stuff when I really needed to talk about mine.

My current T only discloses when it is therapeutically relevant, and it is more helpful than I imagined it could be. T has really clear boundaries and whenever something is shared from Ts life outside of the office it is done so in a way that keeps it about me as the client, and not as "look at my life" T. Plus, if I have a question about Ts life, I can ask, which is a new experience for me, and I've only done once or twice in the year we've been working together. I clearly see that this T is human, and as much as I wish I knew more about life in the real world, I really appreciate how things are between us, as goldilocks said, things are "just right!"

My T. has shared stuff with me about his FOO and I'm sure he thought it was theraputically helpful but for me it was TMI and it really affected my ability to share.

There is a reason most T. s don't disclose much... when I choose my next T. I will specifically ask about their thinking on personal disclosure and tell them that I don't want to know too much.

Um, what's a FOO?

I feel kinda dumb for not knowing...

FOO = Family Of Origin.

My T has great boundaries. He has revealed a little over the last 10 years but only when I have asked and only if it makes sense given what we are doing. Even then, we process the heck out of his disclosure so that it does not interfere with my process in a negative way. I welcome some disclosure and ask some questions but I also believe it is my therapeutic time and not his. He gets this, too. He does not want his stuff to interfere with my stuff and I respect him for this.
dazeofdolphins

My first T shared that his father was abusive, and shared quite a bit about his relationship issues, but only after I had a melt down in therapy about his lack of disclosure and feedback. Once I absolutely insisted I couldn't continue therapy the way we were doing it, he started telling me more about his life. It was really helpful for me.

My second T doesn't talk about his life as much, but still shares enough that I feel pretty comfortable. Sometimes I get ticky about the weirdest things -- like not knowing what kind of music he likes, or what kind of dog he has. I know he has one because I heard it barking in the background once when he called me from home.

I'm kind of surprised your t's disclosed so much tigergirl and hope-full. I say only "kind of" since I guess all kinds of mediocre-ly qualified people can call themselves t's. I'm glad you both found one who is better about it.

I had one t who disclosed that she had dealt with bullying that wasn't as long-term as mine, and she had some similar family dynamics- our newly single mothers dealing with having to get a job to support us. It was helpful that she told me those things. I don't think I realized how helpful it was at the time, but I appreciated it. She told me how the bullying affected her by limiting what she can do as a therapist. I really appreciated knowing she was aware that can affect someone and she took it seriously. I also felt like she dealt with it better than me because she was able to become a therapist, which is a career I think the bullying probably made impossible for me. So it seemed like she was farther along and capable to guide me.

My current t also discloses a reasonable amount- not too much. He's said he was bullied but I can't identify with him on it since he was bullied for different reasons and the gender difference is hard to relate to. He told me, and posted on his website, about life threatening surgery as a young child. It was somewhat relevant to whatever conversation we were having. He's mentioned a few times that his family was afraid of his father coming home, and other things that gave me a clue he might have experienced abuse, but he hasn't said so explicitly. Once I told him I appreciated him being nice to me even though I had told him about some times when I thought he wasn't. He said he really appreciated that because he had to work on being nurturing rather than just pushing because it wasn't something he got from his family. It just occurred to me that that might be why he doesn't see my current difficulties with my mother as a serious issue-- because maybe his parents were worse and mine sound great in comparison. I had been thinking maybe he sees me as boring and he prefers to work with clients who have more serious issues. But now I'm thinking maybe it's his own serious issues that keep him from empathizing with me. I just wrote I don't really feel sorry for him in another post and now maybe I do.

Yes but your therapy is supposed to be about YOU and not about your T.

Through the chaos of years (all those Ts were spread out over a good 10+ year period) I have learned what I need in a T - one with clear boundaries, that can handle attachment, that is human, and that keeps his/her stuff out of my therapy. I finally found a T that has all those, and way more, and is the right match for me. But I don't think I'd have learned that if I hadn't been through all the previous Ts and their different levels of disclosure/boundaries. If I only knew then what I know now about finding a good T!

My T has disclosed quite a bit about his past. I have never felt overwhelmed by it. It has helped my therapy to learn about some of his past experiences. There was one thing he told me that bothered me, apparently, although I didn't realize it for a few months. When I did, I told T and we talked about it, and it was such a great session. So much growth in trust there, and confidence in him too. I don't think I would have made as much progress in therapy if T didn't self disclose. Our therapy would be wan compared to its richness and depth. I know T self disclosure doesn't work for everyone, but it has worked really well for me.

My T/ Pdoc (a psychiatrist) always says "I should'nt tell you this but" and then proceeds to tell me her own story about whatever happened in her life that parallels what I'm going thru. I find this really helpful though some psycho-ethicists feel its wrong.
Once she even disclosed something sexual between her and her husband, but it had a lot to due with my sex-life at the moment, and therefor helped me find an accurate solution.

BTW- Nothing deeply sexual involving positions or techniques, just talking generally.
Also nothing that could be construed in any way to be a come-on or sexually in-appropriate.
I also doubt thar her husband would be upset by any of this, not that I'm telling him. You also have to understand that we've had a long and trusting relationship.

My T has revealed a fair amount about her history, mainly relating to her struggle with the same disorder I'm suffering from, so it's always meaningful and appropriate. She is very upfront with all of her clients that she is recovered from an eating disorder, but I imagine it varies from client to client how much she actually discloses. She is way more open than my old therapist was, and I usually appreciate it. I always suspected my old T had a history with similar stuff but I never felt comfortable asking her about it, because she disclosed so little.

My T tells me nothing maybe I'm doing something wrong. Wish T would tell me something, it's too hard to open up to a total stranger

Jung famously once said to a patient, "So you're in the soup too, eh?"

My T has disclosed over the years and mostly I have found it helpful. He has even told embarrassing stories of himself to distract me from my own shame.

The hardest thing he told me was early on--that he is the son of Holocaust survivors. I'm glad he told me but on the other hand, nothing I have experienced can compare to that kind of suffering. So in a weird way it held me back for awhile.

That's how it was for me too. I made it clear the blank slate was a deal-breaker and even then I only got scraps.