[Honeybun]

I've been seeing my T 3x weekly for several years. We've definitely had rough patches in these years, mostly due to my BPD "traits" (T doesn't believe in labels), but I'm beginning to think he's getting tired of me. He used to allow me to call him, then put a stop to it, then put a stop to emails and most recently has started to use a bell to indicate 5 minutes before the end of sessions (he has in the past year given me long sessions, usually 65/70 minutes). Now he has the bell go at 50 minutes. Also under no circumstances will he respond to requests for contact between sessions. I feel he is slowly removing the caring and I'm waiting for the next installation of cruelty...death by a thousand cuts! Do you think he's getting ready to fire me? I am in no way even close to ready to leave therapy. He knows how much I need him and how afraid I am that he'll dump me. Help!

Honeybun, I'm sorry that you are feeling like T. is pulling back on support. I don't have a lot of suggestions or advice or reasons to offer. I just wanted to let you know that I heard you and that I hope you will be able to find away to talk to your T about this...maybe you could come up with a plan for ways to cope when you are not able to see him. Maybe instead of thinking of his cutting back on support as a way of allowing him to have more time to care for himself so that he can be there to give you all that you need for your weekly 50 minute sessions...I'm sure it is very difficult time.

[Towanda]

Honeybun, honestly, my first reaction to the thought that he's cutting back on contact time with you after three years is that maybe he is trying to make you more independent, to be able to rely on yourself more. Have you become very dependent on your T, contacting him alot in between sessions? Three sessions a week, plus phone calls plus emails is alot of contact and alot of dependence on your T. If this is not the case, then I'm wrong and I apologize. Then there's definitely something else going on. Personally the bell thing would make me very angry. I would want to rip it out of his hand and throw it at his head!

Either way, sorry this is such a hard time for you. You definitely need to discuss these feelings with your T - good luck!

[stopdog]

Has he talked to you at all about it? Can you just ask him? Changing the rules without talking/explaining to you about it seems wrong in my opinion. I believe clients deserve explanations.

[CantExplain]

My cut off my email privileges. At first I was hurt, but then I saw it as a vote of confidence.

I might talk about this with her again, but I'm not going to ask her to change her mind.

[anilam]

The lenght of the session should be consistent- going over/under is not professional. However, the bell ringing sounds a bit extreme. Can't he check the time and just tell you when to finish?

Several years- could you tell us how many years exactly? Cause when you say several I imagine 10plus.

Also you are talking to him three times a week so I think that contact between sessions should be emergencies only. TBH it seems to me that he wasn't able to establish functional boundaries in the beginning and now is trying to make up for it. Boundaries are there not only for a T but for your protection too.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Has he talked to you at all about it? Can you just ask him? Changing the rules without talking/explaining to you about it seems wrong in my opinion. I believe clients deserve explanations.

Ditto. If your T hasn't mentioned why he is changing his behavior, can you bring it up? All these changes merit discussion.

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by Towanda

Honeybun, honestly, my first reaction to the thought that he's cutting back on contact time with you after three years is that maybe he is trying to make you more independent, to be able to rely on yourself more. Have you become very dependent on your T, contacting him alot in between sessions? Three sessions a week, plus phone calls plus emails is alot of contact and alot of dependence on your T. If this is not the case, then I'm wrong and I apologize. Then there's definitely something else going on. Personally the bell thing would make me very angry. I would want to rip it out of his hand and throw it at his head!

Either way, sorry this is such a hard time for you. You definitely need to discuss these feelings with your T - good luck!

Thanks for your insight Towanda. You are correct, I DID become very dependent on him for awhile and I know that is why he stopped the phone calls and emails. Although at the time I was seeing him only 2x per week. That's how I ended up with the 3rd weekly session. However, I don't understand the reason why I can't even call him in an emergency and the bell thing just plain p*****s me off. Maybe it's more to do with his time management issues. I will talk to him about it when I get the nerve. I will ask him if it is just me or if all clients are under the new regimen. Take good care.

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Has he talked to you at all about it? Can you just ask him? Changing the rules without talking/explaining to you about it seems wrong in my opinion. I believe clients deserve explanations.

He has told me that we must contain the work and I get too fearful if we have contact between sessions. I'm still chewing on these.
Thanks for your support!

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Honeybun, I'm sorry that you are feeling like T. is pulling back on support. I don't have a lot of suggestions or advice or reasons to offer. I just wanted to let you know that I heard you and that I hope you will be able to find away to talk to your T about this...maybe you could come up with a plan for ways to cope when you are not able to see him. Maybe instead of thinking of his cutting back on support as a way of allowing him to have more time to care for himself so that he can be there to give you all that you need for your weekly 50 minute sessions...I'm sure it is very difficult time.

Thanks for responding. He has me doing DBT skills with another therapist to help build my coping skills. She will allow calls between sessions when I have the urge yo SI. Better to call before than after! Or if I'm having trouble with the skills. I know I am a challenging client so maybe it's good to have one therapist who is not as emotionally invested. I also know I need to talk to him so this doesn't fester too long. Back at you...

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by anilam

The lenght of the session should be consistent- going over/under is not professional. However, the bell ringing sounds a bit extreme. Can't he check the time and just tell you when to finish?

Several years- could you tell us how many years exactly? Cause when you say several I imagine 10plus.

Also you are talking to him three times a week so I think that contact between sessions should be emergencies only. TBH it seems to me that he wasn't able to establish functional boundaries in the beginning and now is trying to make up for it. Boundaries are there not only for a T but for your protection too.

I've been seeing him for almost 4 years. Hmmm...boundaries...yes, that could be an entirely new thread!! I was never taught that I could have any of my own consequently cross them with others. Okay, now I'm really depressed. One more issue that we have barely scratched the surface. UGH
I'm not even allowed contact in an emergency...this one feels cruel.

[shipping]

The bell is totally disgusting. Like we are dogs!

[shipping]

These posts are helping me a lot, because as some of you may have seen under Romantic Feelings, I have this problem: T is tired of me? I think I will start coming here more, too.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by Honeybun

I've been seeing him for almost 4 years. Hmmm...boundaries...yes, that could be an entirely new thread!! I was never taught that I could have any of my own consequently cross them with others. Okay, now I'm really depressed. One more issue that we have barely scratched the surface. UGH
I'm not even allowed contact in an emergency...this one feels cruel.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
It is HIS job to maintain his boundaries and help you to establish yours. Not the other way round and as I've said he does seem to have problems in this area. I think that's the reason why he is setting them so strictly- no contact even in an emergency, ring of a bell...

BTW 4 years is several? Hope not, cause I've just begun my 4th year.

[growlycat]

So sorry to hear this--the bell would send me over the edge!!! And, the emergency contact thing seems extreme too. You can always ask him, is there a time that he ever envisions all of this changing?

MAYBE there is something going on in his life where he needs better boundaries (a sick family member wearing him out?) If working this way is unsustainable, it is important to tell him.