[angelsofia]

Hi all,

I'm new to Psych Central. I've been searching the web for some time now because I can't find answers to the questions I have. I've been in therapy for over three years. She was my first T and I truly felt a great connection to her. I initially went to therapy because I had lost my father and my uncle in the course of three months. I felt at a breaking point and I knew that I needed some help in other areas as well. I went to a community-based outpatient clinic which simply means that is a clinic where the therapist are still in school and the clients or patients are guinea pigs, this I learned later on. Because of the rapport I had with my T, I didn't think much about anything but the help I wanted to get. I have a fear of attachment, I guess you could call it that, and I also struggle a lot to trust people. As therapy began, we never actually talked about for how long I would be in treatment. That was a big concern of mine but we never fully address it. When I went through a very difficult time in my life, I fully began to trust her. She showed me a more human side which was less distant and professional-like. I began to think of her as a friend. In fact, all the people involved in my life knew her through me as I would speak freely of her, they knew her by name and they all wanted to meet this goddess-like human being that meant so much to me. And some actually accompanied me to the clinic just to get a glimpse of her.

One other issue that had brought me to therapy was my sexual orientation. I was attracted to a woman with whom I was leaving a real nightmare. I won't give any details about that because that alone took me two years of therapy to get over it. But when that toxic relationship ended, after being manipulated, lied to, and used for four years, the anger I felt helped me to stay away from her. And my T helped just by being there with me. In the course of the first nine months of our therapeutic relationship, I didn't feel too close to her or that I could trust her. Before our first long break during the summer, she simply said to me that she was a lesbian and that she shared that information with me because she wanted to have an honest and open relationship with me. It truly shocked me. But after the shock wore off, I was OK with it.

Years past, we went through a lot together and finally we address the when to end treatment question at the beginning of this year. Well, in short she said that she was done with this part of her training and was going to continue with presenting her thesis proposal, writing her thesis and of course, defending it. As sad as I felt by thinking that I would no longer see her, I understood that in order to advance in her career she needed to do this. I felt the need to flee like I always do, but I decided to stay and work through the pain of losing her and the safe haven our relationship had become. I joined sort of a group therapy looking for other options while I still had her in my life and ended up meeting someone who truly hates therapists. I felt the need to defend the relationship I've had with mine, the great work we had done, the trust I had gained in people, but she argued that all therapists do is use their patients for research and for their own personal gain. She was so sure of it because she had had two different experiences in which this had happened. During our argument I mentioned my T's name, like I always did with my friends, and ended up giving her last name as well when she said that mine sounded familiar to her. The discussion stopped for a while and we she returned she showed me something that proved her point. She looked up information in some website using my T's name and came up with what she called "published work" done by my T. I only read what she had highlighted and in the description of the work I perfectly fitted the study she had done. For a few minutes I couldn't believe what I was reading. If this were true, all my therapeutic relationship with my T, the one I thought it was a god-sent angel, had been a lie. The study or whatever it was I read stated that some people who identify themselves as gay had done deliberate self-disclosure of their sexual orientation to clients of a different racial background and the results were presented there. It was more like a group study. Pretty much after that I left. I felt betrayed, used, manipulated. I had to wait a whole week to see my T and I was afraid to breakdown when I confronted her. I felt she had so much powered and I felt so small and weak.

The day arrived, I grilled my T with questions and finally she knew I was up to something and asked me if I had read something that she had written. When I confronted her, she admitted she had done that. So I told her we were done. That she had betrayed me in the worst possible way she could have done it. She kept apologizing, but I wouldn't hear it, I couldn't accept her apologies. They were fake, she had been caught and had I not met this person, I would have never known about it. Is this even legal? Is this ethical? My heart tells me she's done something terribly wrong. I've told some friends and I have gotten divided opinions. Some think she messed up but that I should give her the benefit of the doubt, that no one could possibly plan something like this for so long, no one would be that cruel to create that sort of scheme. Others think she should get some kind of punishment, something to be put in her profile at the clinic to warn others.

The day I confronted her she said that she's never published anything, but that she did write a paper that was what meant for a conference. She even went as far as to ask me what should she do with it now and that she would honor my request. I was too angry, I felt too hurt so I told her to carry forward whatever intentions she originally had. I thought I wouldn't go back but I did. I still had too many questions. And we met again. Only this time she seemed like she had rehearsed everything and even ended up sort of putting the blame on me. She came up with a story of me meaning so much to her that she wanted to help others by using everything she had learned. I felt overwhelmed and couldn't even tell her anything else. I don't believe her, I think she's just looking for an easy way out. She asked me how I learned about it and I ended up telling her. She got upset with the woman who had done what she did, she said but I could tell she questioned the scenario. I didn't say much. I paid her for the month and right now I don't know what to do. I don't think I can trust her again. My heart is really broken. This is someone I loved and truly cared for and I feel that I lost her, that she died along with my trust in people. I guess the only question that remains is what would you do?

[CantExplain]

I agree. No one should ever use you as a case study without your permission.

My T used me as a case study, but she asked my permission first.

Okay, I'm back after googling the snot of our the therapist I had in college. He devoted a big chunk of his professional life after our relationship ended to dealing with dissociative disorders, and abuse issues. So when he told me I had greatly influenced his professional life, he wasn't just saying that. However, it doesn't appear that he has ever written about me specifically.

I will also say that, although he was a student when he was my therapist, he did an amazing job with me. Therapy with him was a life altering experience and not harmful.