[InTherapy]

I realized recently that every week so far I've contacted my T in between sessions and I SWORE up and down that THIS WEEK I would not.

I failed.

Worst of all, he kinda made me feel like crap about it.

What happened was, I was feeling really really down. Like, it was bad. BUT I was not going to call him.THEN my boyfriend found out that one of his friends died. He told me right after he found out, and, in shock, wandered off to go take a shower.

I called my T, because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to be supportive of my BF when I'm falling apart myself. How do I say the right things to him when all I'm thinking is, "I should've been the one to die in my sleep."?

So I called my T once and it rang twice and went to VM. I didn't leave a message (I never do.) But then when I set the phone down I must have hit redial and accidentally called T again. I was calling from BF's phone because mine wasn't near.

So T calls back a minute later.

This was our convo:

T: This is (T), I just missed a couple calls from this number?

Me: It's (InTherapy). You should've only missed one call. But anyway, do you have a minute?

T: Well, not really.

Me. "...Then why did you call me back?!" (frustrated and confused)

T: Well, I didn't recognize the number.

Me:"......???" (So if he knew it was me he wouldn't have called back? What does this mean??)

T: "Is everything okay?"

Me: "What do you want me to say? You don't have time to talk to me, I'll figure it out. I'll see you later."

T: "Well, I have five minutes. What's up?"

Me:"Well, I was already having a really bad night, and (BF) just found out one of his friends died. I don't know what to do or say to help him when I'm falling apart myself.

T: "Well, you just have to be there for him, and be supportive. It'll be idiosyncratic to your relationship, so I can't tell you what to do... but you just need to be there for him."

Me: (frustrated, don't feel valued/important just want to get off the phone) "Okay. Thanks."

T:"I know this must be very stressful for you right now. How are you doing?"

Me: "As good as I ever am during the weekend when I have no structure." (translation: BAD BAD BAD)

T: Okay, well call me back if you need anything!

That was kind of the end of it.

I know you weren't there, but I'd really appreciate anyone else's perspective on it.

I feel like I'm getting mixed signals here. He tells me to call him if I need anything, but then when he calls me back he says he doesn't have time to talk to me. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Why would you call back if you don't have time? I don't understand how "I don't recognize the number" relates to having time to call me back. I thought this was his work cell phone. Does he only have one cell phone? It was Friday night - did he think I was one of his friends, who he had time for, but then realized it was a client and didn't have time to talk to me?

I could understand that, but even that is kind of hurtful.

I've called him exactly twice; once when I was freaking out because I was disoriented, confused, and having trouble breathing. Once because of this. Granted, I've only seen him since Christmas, so maybe 2x is too much to call. I don't know. I feel like ****.

[WePow]

It actually sounds like T was just being very honest. But he did want to help you out. Sometimes when it is outside of therapy, the tone is very different. I am so sorry that you are going through so very much right now. Sending you very big safe hugs.

[TayQuincy]

I realized recently that every week so far I've contacted my T in between sessions

I've called him exactly twice;

You said that you've contacted him every week so far, and then you said you've only called him two times. Which is true? If you've only called twice, then that seems reasonable. If you have contacted him every week outside of session then that does seem excessive.

[healed84]

I am sorry to hear that the phone call didn't help too much.. It is so hard to tell over the phone sometimes.. I am glad that you reached out, when you needed the help. Maybe you two can talk about your last phone conversation in your next session and get some clarity from it.

[unaluna]

I think he answered because it might have been from a hospital or police station, not one of his friends - a misdial doesn't happen twice by finger, right? So he did think it was a client. "Do you have time?" to me means a good 10-15 minutes to listen to my long drawn out explanation and then give me advice. He sounded very kind and understanding and NOT AT ALL put out to me. I think you're probably used to feeling like a pest from your family (i know I am) so how could this possibly be okay? you even say it should have been you, not your BF's friend that died? that's so sad. it IS okay that you called, it IS okay that you live! that's what your phone call was really about, from what it sounds like here. you're not used to anyone putting YOU and your needs first. well, welcome to therapy, and welcome to PC - (altho I know you've been here a while!) where you ARE important and first and okay.

[missbelle]

Are you calling t in his office?.........I know as a retired caseworker it was very hard for me to receive phone calls like that. Sometimes I was typing notes on the computer or getting ready to see a client.A phone call might have gotten me off topic and also with my caseload, I did not always remember the details of a particular case unless I had it in front of me. I did not want also to say the wrong things without reviewing the case.

I definately understand how you feel as you can see I am/was at both ends..the patient and the caseworker.I know whats important is that you have more then one or two people to confide in. That way if you are beween session, you can reach out to other people. Is it possible to join a support group? There you would meet people with the same problems and then be able to exchange phone #'s so when you or they are in trouble you can just pick up the phone.

Hope you are feeling better!!!

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

I realized recently that every week so far I've contacted my T in between sessions and I SWORE up and down that THIS WEEK I would not.

I failed.

Worst of all, he kinda made me feel like crap about it.

What happened was, I was feeling really really down. Like, it was bad. BUT I was not going to call him.THEN my boyfriend found out that one of his friends died. He told me right after he found out, and, in shock, wandered off to go take a shower.

I called my T, because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to be supportive of my BF when I'm falling apart myself. How do I say the right things to him when all I'm thinking is, "I should've been the one to die in my sleep."?

So I called my T once and it rang twice and went to VM. I didn't leave a message (I never do.) But then when I set the phone down I must have hit redial and accidentally called T again. I was calling from BF's phone because mine wasn't near.

So T calls back a minute later.

This was our convo:

T: This is (T), I just missed a couple calls from this number?

Me: It's (InTherapy). You should've only missed one call. But anyway, do you have a minute?

T: Well, not really.

Me. "...Then why did you call me back?!" (frustrated and confused)

T: Well, I didn't recognize the number.

Me:"......???" (So if he knew it was me he wouldn't have called back? What does this mean??)

T: "Is everything okay?"

Me: "What do you want me to say? You don't have time to talk to me, I'll figure it out. I'll see you later."

T: "Well, I have five minutes. What's up?"

Me:"Well, I was already having a really bad night, and (BF) just found out one of his friends died. I don't know what to do or say to help him when I'm falling apart myself.

T: "Well, you just have to be there for him, and be supportive. It'll be idiosyncratic to your relationship, so I can't tell you what to do... but you just need to be there for him."

Me: (frustrated, don't feel valued/important just want to get off the phone) "Okay. Thanks."

T:"I know this must be very stressful for you right now. How are you doing?"

Me: "As good as I ever am during the weekend when I have no structure." (translation: BAD BAD BAD)

T: Okay, well call me back if you need anything!

That was kind of the end of it.

I know you weren't there, but I'd really appreciate anyone else's perspective on it.

I feel like I'm getting mixed signals here. He tells me to call him if I need anything, but then when he calls me back he says he doesn't have time to talk to me. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Why would you call back if you don't have time? I don't understand how "I don't recognize the number" relates to having time to call me back. I thought this was his work cell phone. Does he only have one cell phone? It was Friday night - did he think I was one of his friends, who he had time for, but then realized it was a client and didn't have time to talk to me?

I could understand that, but even that is kind of hurtful.

I've called him exactly twice; once when I was freaking out because I was disoriented, confused, and having trouble breathing. Once because of this. Granted, I've only seen him since Christmas, so maybe 2x is too much to call. I don't know. I feel like ****.

These crisis calls to our therapists can be very laden with expectation and emotion. It's so hard to not read more into what is actually happening.

I agree with WePow, I think your therapist was being honest and the situation simply could not have unfolded to your satisfaction. Despite that he offered help and continued to extend his services to you.

I'm not dismissing the fact that your upset, or saying that you shouldn't be. These things are really hard to wrangle into something manageable.

Perhaps you and your therapist can work together to come up with a better system here that would be less anxiety inducing, and more beneficial to you.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

You said that you've contacted him every week so far, and then you said you've only called him two times. Which is true? If you've only called twice, then that seems reasonable. If you have contacted him every week outside of session then that does seem excessive.

They are both true. I have only CALLED twice. But the weeks during which I never called, I often did send an email.

Originally Posted by missbelle

Are you calling t in his office?

I called his cellphone: I believe it is ONLY his work cell, but it is possible that it's his only cell. This was around 8:30 or so at night.

What you guys are saying about expectiations and being emotion-laden are ringing true. I am still pretty upset and so it is hard to see ojectively about it. Hopefully things will be clearer by Monday. (session day).

[Perna]

The very few times I called my T in crisis the conversations were somewhat disappointing for me but when I looked at it rationally, I realized there isn't a whole lot anyone can do for us on a phone (or in email, etc.). Most such interactions are doomed to be disappointing, I think.

[CantExplain]

What's missing from this conversation is...

T: Try to hold on to those feelings because I'd very much like to hear about them in our next session.