[karebear1]

I just posted some very personal thoughts on another board and it is really sending me to a bad place.

I could really use some support and encouragement right now. It's making me feel really, really hopeless and like I want to just disappear.

Here's what I posted on the SI board to someone that was talking about overdosing on meds and using them inappropriately. I really hope I did the right thing.





"TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER!!

Please do whatever you can to get yourself under control with these meds. If you think you are only self harming by taking these meds the way you are- you're wrong! You do hurt those who love you and care about you- you just are not aware of what it does to those that can see your self destruction.

My older sister died this past fall because of prescription drug abuse. She abused her meds for years. It tortured us to see what she had become. Once a vibrant, beautiful, active woman, she became a prisoner to those prescription drugs. They jailed her personality inside her mind and her body into her bed- never leaving her room for any length of time. She became a stranger to us, her family, her husband and her children. She once told them that they could try to take her pills away from her, but it wouldn't work- she wouldn't quit, She liked the way they made her feel and she was going to do it whether they liked it or not.

We appealed to her Dr.- telling him of her actions only to hear him tell us that he couldn't talk to us about her. Her prescription drug cocktail grew as more and more new meds were added. Abuse of one drug led to abuse of any drug she had prescribe to her. She would save them, hoard them, take them from other people- anything she could do to make herself feel better in the long run. It became an ugly, destructive ritual in her life. I can't tell you how often I would go up to her room to see her and she would be sitting up in her bed, her back against the headboard, with her head fallen forward, drool dripping from her mouth, her eyes rolled half back into her head, slurring her words in an attempt to answer a question someone may have asked her,not because they could understand anything she was trying to say, but, just to make sure she was alive. It was not unusual for her to vomit in her sleep, not be aware of it, then , when she finally woke up enough to understand what she was sleeping in, scream and yell at one of her kids for coming into her bed and vomiting on her pillow! Last fall, her husband found her, dead, in that very same position. Her face planted in a plate filled with food and vomit.

I'm sorry if this post is too graphic for some here, but I really want to make you aware of what can happen if you misuse prescription drugs. IF YOU ARE USING THESE DRUGS FOR ANY PURPOSE OTHER THAN WHAT THEY ARE INTENDED TO BE USED AND PRESCRIBED FOR, PLEASE TELL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. Tell him/her what you are doing and why you are doing it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. If you continue to hide it, it will only hurt you and those around you in the long run. If you make your Dr. aware of what is happening, he can prescribe medications that will help you and be cautious of giving you something you could become addicted to. I know we're not talking about addiction here, we're talking about misuse- but that is the first step to the other.

It started with one prescription drug for my sister- using more than what was prescribe to get away from all the pain and hurt and anxiety she was feeling and turned into a lifetime of hell for her and everyone around her.

Please forgive me if I seem harsh in this post. This is the first time I have spoken about my sisters death to anyone and it is all so fresh in my mind. I only posted because I wanted to make you aware of what can and often does happen in these cases.

I hope for your health and your ability to get your thoughts and feelings under control so you can all have a beautiful, successful and peaceful life"

[Sannah]

Karebear, you feel bad because you "exposed" yourself or do you feel bad because you feel that you were being mean? Or did it just bring your pain out?

I can see where someone's post of prescription drug misuse would be really triggering, karebear. My mother does the same. The entire top of her refrigerator (a big, regular size frig) is COVERED in her prescription medications. I actually took a photo of it to take in with me when I talked to her doctor. I took a photo of her daily drug regime -- which involves SIX ziplock sandwich bags of drugs. She is at a point where she weighs well over 300 pounds and has to use one of those chairs that lifts so that it even stands up for you and wears adult diapers because she cannot be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom. Her doctor will not listen to me and my sisters don't think it's a problem. I keep expecting to get the call about her fatal overdose.

It is so horrible to watch someone you love do this to themselves. I've stopped talking to my mother or people in similar circumstances, and just walk away. You are incredibly brave to put yourself out there to try to save someone else.

[SoupDragon]

((((karebear)))) - I am so sorry to hear what happened to your sister and I can't imagine how painful that was to go through at the time and now. You have clearly highlighted it with a trigger warning, so people can make their own choice whether they feel able to read your words.

I know for me I can feel very raw and vulnerable when I disclose something for the first time, but talking about those painful things is the first step in being free of the overwhelming painful grip they can have on us.

I think you are very brave to have shared such a personal experience and it is a reminder to many of us of the pain that can be caused if we go too far down the wrong path without turning back.

Hugs to you - Soup

[Silent_tsol]

((((Karebear)))))
I can relate to that post, I haven't read the original but I would very much appreciate if my sister were to read that.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Karebear, you feel bad because you "exposed" yourself or do you feel bad because you feel that you were being mean? Or did it just bring your pain out?

All of what you said.

I am not use to talking about much of anything on a personal level. I'm frightened someone in the family may read this and be angry I said something, or be hurt because I said soemthing. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do want to help people if I can.

I don't think I was being mean, but I do think people could interpret what I was saying as being judgemental or mean- and I don't want to alienate people. My posting what I did was to help- not to hurt.

And yeah, it brought out the pain for sure. I haven't cried at all for her. I feel like I'm dead. Like I died before she did. Early on I tried to help her, but it didn't work. It didn't matter what I said or did or what anyone said or did. We meant nothing to her. It just makes me so sad- and I don't know how to talk about it.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I can see where someone's post of prescription drug misuse would be really triggering, karebear. My mother does the same. The entire top of her refrigerator (a big, regular size frig) is COVERED in her prescription medications. I actually took a photo of it to take in with me when I talked to her doctor. I took a photo of her daily drug regime -- which involves SIX ziplock sandwich bags of drugs. She is at a point where she weighs well over 300 pounds and has to use one of those chairs that lifts so that it even stands up for you and wears adult diapers because she cannot be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom. Her doctor will not listen to me and my sisters don't think it's a problem. I keep expecting to get the call about her fatal overdose.

It is so horrible to watch someone you love do this to themselves. I've stopped talking to my mother or people in similar circumstances, and just walk away. You are incredibly brave to put yourself out there to try to save someone else.

Are we from the same family???

My mother (and my sister) stores her drugs in a big ol make up case(s). How they ever kept them straight is beyond me. Well........... I guess neither of them really ever kept them straight.

I no longer talk with my mother as well. There was an episode of her overdosing at my nieces funeral a few years ago and since then, I just can't take it. I do fell guilty about it. She is getting older, and I don't think she'll live much longer, but the hurt from what happened at the funeral (and childhood memories) have just really put me in a place where I'm having a hard time recovering. It's a long story-

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

((((karebear)))) - I am so sorry to hear what happened to your sister and I can't imagine how painful that was to go through at the time and now. You have clearly highlighted it with a trigger warning, so people can make their own choice whether they feel able to read your words.

I know for me I can feel very raw and vulnerable when I disclose something for the first time, but talking about those painful things is the first step in being free of the overwhelming painful grip they can have on us.

I think you are very brave to have shared such a personal experience and it is a reminder to many of us of the pain that can be caused if we go too far down the wrong path without turning back.

Hugs to you - Soup

Thanks Soup. I do hope people understood my posting what I did as you did. I appreciate your thoughts and your hugs too!

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by Silent_tsol

((((Karebear)))))
I can relate to that post, I haven't read the original but I would very much appreciate if my sister were to read that.

Silent- My heart is breaking for you if you have a sister in the same condition as mine. It is unbelievable how painful it is for those who have to stand by and watch it happen. I can only imagine the kind of pain she muist be in. My prayers are with you and your sister.

Originally Posted by karebear1

Are we from the same family???
. . .
I no longer talk with my mother as well. There was an episode of her overdosing at my nieces funeral a few years ago and since then, I just can't take it. I do fell guilty about it. She is getting older, and I don't think she'll live much longer, but the hurt from what happened at the funeral (and childhood memories) have just really put me in a place where I'm having a hard time recovering. It's a long story-

Speak of the devil, I guess. I talked to my mother today. She was giving me a big guilt trip about not caring about her, blah, blah, blah.

anyway, I feel for you about the overdose. Shortly before my dad got sick last summer, he and I had to get my mother's huge bulk into a car and get her to the hospital for an overdose of her pain killers. She was really angry at me that I refused to call an ambulance for her. Frankly, I didn't want my dad to have to deal with the expense of an ambulance when I was pretty sure she wasn't dying because she was already puking everywhere. Dealing with this stuff really does make you kinda cold and dead inside.

[karebear1]

MKAC- just try to remember that most of the time they don't know (or at least aren't keenly aware of) what they are doing or saying. I know it's to think that way in the moment.

I'm thankful that I was able to know my sister when she was healthy and more gentle and kind. She was a good mom, when she was a mom. I feel bad for her youngest as he never really got to experience him mother in any other way.

I think you did the right thing...very informative, so I personally thank you for it. Sorry about your sister & I wish you healing from this. You made the 1st step by writing it out & I know that was hard, but you did it. It will eventually become easier to handle & you will continue to use your story to help others. Keep posting & when you're able to talk, keep talking. Someone somewhere needs to hear/know this. Glad you chose PC to be the 1st. Take care & stay strong 8) *hugstightly*

[granite1]

wow that all must have been so hard to watch and i am so sorry to hear about your sister.thank you for sharing that part of you with us karebear.i don't think it was to much to say i can see how much this has affected you and can see how much you wanted to help this person and save someone else all this pain

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by SoFragile88

I think you did the right thing...very informative, so I personally thank you for it. Sorry about your sister & I wish you healing from this. You made the 1st step by writing it out & I know that was hard, but you did it. It will eventually become easier to handle & you will continue to use your story to help others. Keep posting & when you're able to talk, keep talking. Someone somewhere needs to hear/know this. Glad you chose PC to be the 1st. Take care & stay strong 8) *hugstightly*

Sofragile- thanks for your post. It helps me to feel better about saying something vs. just keeping quiet. PC is a woniderful to start to open up about things- you've all been so wonderfully supportive the few times I ahve posted. Everyone here seems to have so much of a better understanding of how therapy works and how best to use it. I'm often in awe as people read what I write and then can turn around and write something or ask me questions that lead me to a second dimension of what I am experiencing while I'm writing it. I guess I'm pretty young at all this thinking through stuff- and I so appreciate those that have a more complete understanding of questions to help me move from one levekl to the next. Thanks you all so much.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by granite1

wow that all must have been so hard to watch and i am so sorry to hear about your sister.thank you for sharing that part of you with us karebear.i don't think it was to much to say i can see how much this has affected you and can see how much you wanted to help this person and save someone else all this pain

Thanks granite. It was a terribly frustrating and painful experience- one that I am still going through with my mother. I wish I could reconcile with her, but it's just so hard- and I don't have the energy or resilience to do it right now. It's been about 3 years since I've had any real conversation with her. I saw her at my sons wedding and my sisters funeral, but we barely spoke at all- and quite honestly, I'm in a much more peaceful state if I don't think about her.

it makes me feel like I'm an awful daughter.

[WePow]

BIG hugs to you!!!!! I am so sorry you went through that and have this heartbreak.

[karebear1]

Thanks WePow.

Watching members of my family go through this has had a surprising affect on my own family- we are soooooooo careful about taking any kind of medication. We put off going to the doctor if our bodies can somehow heal themselves to avoid having to take meds. My kids even avoid having to take aspirin for a head ache! It's ridiculous. I, personally, fought my T for a year about going on meds or seeing a PDoc to get meds for my depression because I knew if I took those kinds of meds, I'd become like my sister and my mother. Finally after that year and because I was so untouchable in T, I went to see the PDoc and trusted her enough with giving me a prescription med after she told me she was aware of what I had gone through with my sister and she would be very careful and keep in close contact with me. AND after she said I could take just a little nibble of one pill over several days to introduce myself to that med. She promised she would not give me anything that was addictive and she gave me full conrol over how much I put into my body at anyone time ( she prescribed the lowest dosage of the med and one pill would last about 4 days in the beginning, until I felt confident enough to work up to taking one whole pill as presribed). Over time I learned I could trust her and she has been really wonderful. As a result, we've found the right med for me to be on, I am clear in thought and doing so much better with my depression and PTSD, and my anxiety and sui thoughts have all but gone away totally.

I appreciate my PDoc being sensitive to my fears. It's amazing what a good, empathetic PDoc and the right meds can do for you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by karebear1

I haven't cried at all for her.

Maybe it's time.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Maybe it's time.

Maybe. But if I do...... I may not make it out the otherside.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Maybe. But if I do...... I may not make it out the otherside.

I think that you will. It will be hard, though, but you will be in a better place afterwards.

[Towanda]

Originally Posted by karebear1

"TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER!!
Please do whatever you can to get yourself under control with these meds. If you think you are only self harming by taking these meds the way you are- you're wrong! You do hurt those who love you and care about you- you just are not aware of what it does to those that can see your self destruction.

My older sister died this past fall because of prescription drug abuse. She abused her meds for years. It tortured us to see what she had become. Once a vibrant, beautiful, active woman, she became a prisoner to those prescription drugs. They jailed her personality inside her mind and her body into her bed- never leaving her room for any length of time. She became a stranger to us, her family, her husband and her children. She once told them that they could try to take her pills away from her, but it wouldn't work- she wouldn't quit, She liked the way they made her feel and she was going to do it whether they liked it or not.

We appealed to her Dr.- telling him of her actions only to hear him tell us that he couldn't talk to us about her. Her prescription drug cocktail grew as more and more new meds were added. Abuse of one drug led to abuse of any drug she had prescribe to her. She would save them, hoard them, take them from other people- anything she could do to make herself feel better in the long run. It became an ugly, destructive ritual in her life. I can't tell you how often I would go up to her room to see her and she would be sitting up in her bed, her back against the headboard, with her head fallen forward, drool dripping from her mouth, her eyes rolled half back into her head, slurring her words in an attempt to answer a question someone may have asked her,not because they could understand anything she was trying to say, but, just to make sure she was alive. It was not unusual for her to vomit in her sleep, not be aware of it, then , when she finally woke up enough to understand what she was sleeping in, scream and yell at one of her kids for coming into her bed and vomiting on her pillow! Last fall, her husband found her, dead, in that very same position. Her face planted in a plate filled with food and vomit.

I'm sorry if this post is too graphic for some here, but I really want to make you aware of what can happen if you misuse prescription drugs. IF YOU ARE USING THESE DRUGS FOR ANY PURPOSE OTHER THAN WHAT THEY ARE INTENDED TO BE USED AND PRESCRIBED FOR, PLEASE TELL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. Tell him/her what you are doing and why you are doing it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. If you continue to hide it, it will only hurt you and those around you in the long run. If you make your Dr. aware of what is happening, he can prescribe medications that will help you and be cautious of giving you something you could become addicted to. I know we're not talking about addiction here, we're talking about misuse- but that is the first step to the other.

It started with one prescription drug for my sister- using more than what was prescribe to get away from all the pain and hurt and anxiety she was feeling and turned into a lifetime of hell for her and everyone around her.

Please forgive me if I seem harsh in this post. This is the first time I have spoken about my sisters death to anyone and it is all so fresh in my mind. I only posted because I wanted to make you aware of what can and often does happen in these cases.

I hope for your health and your ability to get your thoughts and feelings under control so you can all have a beautiful, successful and peaceful life"

Karebear, you are an angel sent from heaven for posting this

Because of your post, I just stopped myself from taking a handful of pain meds I had left over in my kitchen cabinet. I threw the whole bottle in the toilet. They're gone.

May God bless you for your courage and your honesty. I can't thank you enough

[karebear1]

Towanda- Thank you for your post. It has helped to calm me down so much. Bless you for courage to take what I said to heart and to throw the meds away. I know how difficult it is to go on day by day and feel like there's no control- only anxiety and need to make it all go away. I'm so proud of you for making the hard choice, but the right choice. I hope you will find the all the strength you need to do what is good for you.

I wish my sister and my mother had the courage to do what you have done.