[critterlady]

I had something of a breakthrough this weekend and in this morning's therapy session. I've been feeling numb about my CSA - I knew I should feel anger, along with a bunch of other emotions, but I didn't feel anything.

My abuser died a few years ago. I didn't find out till this past summer, which is when I started spiraling down. I'd compartmentalized the abuse for decades, but the news of his death brought it all out. I knew nothing about how or when he died or how he lived the last few years of his life. Well, over the weekend, I finally googled him to see if I could find anything out. Seeing the memorial pages, his widow's blog about his battle with cancer and so many pictures of a happy, smiling perpetrator made me mad. Really mad. Livid. Finally.

My T and I talked about it this morning. I'm not a yeller, but he could tell I was angry. I got out a lot of the reasons for my anger. I feel just a tiny bit guilty about being happy that he suffered for years before he died, but T put that thought out of my head - he told me that he was happy the guy suffered.

One interesting thing - we were talking about the perp's name. It's not a common name, so I was able to find stuff using google, unlike if he'd been John Smith. I've never shared the name with anyone, not even T. I figured using his name gives him a humanity I don't want him to have. T gave me an interesting perspective on it - he said that to him, the abuser will always be evil and knowing the guy's name won't change that for him. Not using the name gives it power and I might find it having less power if I say it.

[skeksi]

I'm glad you were able to express some anger! I am trying to do that and it's terrifying but it feels like the way out. It sounds like your T is really helping you by showing his feelings, too. It's nice to not be alone with any of it.

I definitely agree with you about using the name--T has always pushed me to say the name instead of just "he" and "him." Using the name makes him seem less powerful--more like just another person and less like a monster I'll never escape.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by critterlady

One interesting thing - we were talking about the perp's name. It's not a common name, so I was able to find stuff using google, unlike if he'd been John Smith. I've never shared the name with anyone, not even T. I figured using his name gives him a humanity I don't want him to have. T gave me an interesting perspective on it - he said that to him, the abuser will always be evil and knowing the guy's name won't change that for him. Not using the name gives it power and I might find it having less power if I say it.

Reminds me of Voldemort in Harry Potter...He Who Shall Not Be Named. I thought the concept was a bit silly as it gave a sort of power to Voldemort...if nothing else, it played into people's fears (we're so afraid of him, we dare not speak his name).

I see the situation with your perp similarly. Call him by name, scream it out loud; he was human...but the lowest form of human. Your T is right, he will always be evil, but you don't have to be afraid of what he did to you forever. I'm assuming that through your therapy, you are hoping to rise above and heal from those past wounds. Good luck to you and keep posting!

[pbutton]

This is so interesting to me. I've also never used his name in therapy. I didn't realize it until T was talking and paused because T didn't know his name. I just now started to wonder if the pause was to see if I'd supply the name. Interesting stuff, I am so glad you posted this thread.

[granite1]

WOW thanks for sharing this story with us .it really hit home.i think it was so awsome that you were able to talk about it with your T and give this experiance a voice name or no name.how were you able to just open up and talk about it and share your story with him?did you just open your mouth and start telling it?.my heart is with you and wishing you huge amount of strength as you deal with this

[Sannah]

Good work! Anger can be a motivating force so it isn't all bad.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by granite1

how were you able to just open up and talk about it and share your story with him?did you just open your mouth and start telling it?.my heart is with you and wishing you huge amount of strength as you deal with this

My T and I have been talking about it for a couple of months now. When I first told him, it was really hard. I started by telling him I had something old and really painful I needed to tell him and that it was going to be very hard for me to say. He told me to take all the time I needed and was so patient. It took me quite a while to get the words out, but once I did, he helped me by asking a few questions. He's been wonderful for me - he always (always!) empathizes with everything I say. He's 100% on my side. No judgement, nothing but support. That makes it a lot easier to talk about.

[purple_fins]

Thank you so much for sharing this.
What great work you and your T. did!

you know,
I've never thought about the notion of NOT using the perp's name gives them MORE power......
I have to roll this around in my brain a bit....
as, just thinking of their names gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.... blech....
but actually speaking/using their names??....

I think it's so great it has helped you- that must be such a feeling of some relief.

best to you
fins