[sconnie892]

Ugh. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone right now. Just need a safe place to vent.

I worked really hard between my last two sessions and was really excited to go yesterday. Last time I shared some really deep stuff. I was feeling on the "good" side of neutral for the first time in weeks. I was on an upswing. That all went away about 10 minutes into the session.

T started talking about "your depression" and "why your down right now" and all I could think was, but I am not down right now. I am actually having a good day.. quite a few good days. But no matter how much I said this she kept in at the depression (dysthymia) stuff. Then she started back in about meds even though I have very clearly stated on at least three occasions that I will not take them.

By the end of my session my heart was pounding and all I could think was "breathe in, breathe out". I told her this and that I couldn't take anymore talk that day. Then she started in with, well "think of some enjoyable things you can do when you leave. Don't waste the rest of the day." But by that point I had no fight left in me. I'd gone from a 6 on my mood scale to a 1. I was completely numb mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I am not even sure how I drove the 20 minutes home. I sat in my car of maybe half an hour before I had enough energy to go in the house. Then I curled up in the fetal position on the couch for 4 hours unable to think about anything. Just stared at the button on the back of the couch. Finally dragged myself to bed without turning on any lights. I dragged myself to work today, but don't really want to be here at all.

I am just so frustrated. It seems like every time I go to a session ready to work, actually wanting to be there I leave feeling ten times worse and it takes me days to recover. I haven't been this down in years.

After sharing that deep stuff the session before and now having this happen, I don't feel that safe sharing with T right now.

I remember her saying "You've gotten through this before." And all I could think of was "Yeah. I did. By myself." Maybe I am just better off on my own and should quit seeing my T.

[Sannah]

Your T needs to know how her choice for the agenda during that session affected you. Does she frequently choose the agenda? Will you be able to tell her this stuff?

[BonnieJean]

I'm sorry that this is such a difficult experience for you.

[Fuzzybear]

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Your T needs to know how her choice for the agenda during that session affected you. Does she frequently choose the agenda? Will you be able to tell her this stuff?

My T lets me set the agenda for my sessions. I would feel attacked if she had said the things your T said to you. I would have been insistent that I am fine; not depressed. I wouldn't stop going, but I would advocate for myself. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do.

[unaluna]

Ditto Sannah and Chopin. Maybe she reviewed her notes before you came in, so THAT'S who she was talking to, the "you" that left the previous session. I've told my T that I like that I feel like I get a "fresh copy" of him every time I come in, like he has no preconception of who I am or who I could be. I'm sorry your T did this to you. I guess I would ask her why; how she views depression. I don't think I can look at it unless I am currently feeling it. And why would you go there on purpose?! It's not like it's never coming back! UNFORTUNATELY!!! Dipwad! I'm sorry I'm yelling.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hankster

Maybe she reviewed her notes before you came in, so THAT'S who she was talking to, the "you" that left the previous session. .

this was my thought too. I'm sorry things are so disconnected for you. Can you write a letter to T explaining all this? and email or hand it over? That way you will be sure to get your whole thought out. You've done very well here doing that - for me it would be hard to say it out loud that well. Hugs to you, hang in there

[skysblue]

I think your T did a very very poor job. My T NEVER tells me what I'm feeling or thinking. She asks gentle probing questions so that I learn myself what it is that I'm feeling. Having someone else's opinions thrust at you is not helpful at all, imo, even if they're right. The knowledge/insight/information must bubble up from inside ourselves. If that is the m.o. of your T, you're probably right that she's not helping at all and any gain you make is probably what you've done on your own.

[InTherapy]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It makes sense that you would feel disheartened after that experience.

Have you considered emailing her the post that you you just shared with us? It sounds like she ran over you a bit, which can be exceedingly frustrating.

But she is trying to help you. Perhaps give her a chance to fix it, and see what happens?

My T is pretty careful about letting ME say how I feel. He [mostly] lets me set the agenda for the day. I decide what we talk about, for the most part.

Even today, when we both knew we needed to talk about the session last week, he let me decide how it happened, whether we meandered there eventually or used what he calls "the bandage" technique and just rip off the bandage and start talking about the hard stuff. If you cannot discuss this with your current T, it may be necessary to find someone who lets you be in control.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by hankster

Ditto Sannah and Chopin. Maybe she reviewed her notes before you came in, so THAT'S who she was talking to, the "you" that left the previous session. I've told my T that I like that I feel like I get a "fresh copy" of him every time I come in, like he has no preconception of who I am or who I could be. I'm sorry your T did this to you. I guess I would ask her why; how she views depression. I don't think I can look at it unless I am currently feeling it. And why would you go there on purpose?

Thanks for this. It's a helpful way to view it. I generally see T every two weeks and she wouldn't know what's been going on in between. I know T reviews notes before each session because she told me about it a few sessions ago. It is very difficult to look at depression when you are not feeling it. That may explain why I was so upset - I wasn't in that place but now I am. I will try to ask her why. I really don't ask T that many questions. Might be a good time for me to start.

Originally Posted by InTherapy

...
Have you considered emailing her the post that you you just shared with us? It sounds like she ran over you a bit, which can be exceedingly frustrating.

But she is trying to help you. Perhaps give her a chance to fix it, and see what happens?

I did feel a bit run over this time. T starts sessions asking how things are going or what I want to talk about. This time I said things were going "ok" and expressed some concerns with side effects from a supplement I started. Maybe I should have said "great" and left it at that. I usually feel like I have a bit more control in the sessions. I really wanted to discuss some anxiety I've been having again but never got a chance to bring it up. This session I felt like I was on one of those giant amusement park slides and once we started down the depression discussion there was no stopping.

I wish my T had emailing. We've never discussed contacting her outside of sessions. I'll give her a chance, but I think I've learned that I need to be more assertive if I feel the session spiraling me toward a bad place.

I will have to write out what I want to say to T next week. Otherwise I will lose my courage and not say anything.

I think I actually shocked T when I asked for an appt in one week instead of two or three! I can't make it in two weeks and three weeks is too long for me between sessions. It was a logisitcal thing...not me wanting to be there so soon.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

Ugh. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone right now. Just need a safe place to vent.

I worked really hard between my last two sessions and was really excited to go yesterday. Last time I shared some really deep stuff. I was feeling on the "good" side of neutral for the first time in weeks. I was on an upswing. That all went away about 10 minutes into the session.

T started talking about "your depression" and "why your down right now" and all I could think was, but I am not down right now. I am actually having a good day.. quite a few good days. But no matter how much I said this she kept in at the depression (dysthymia) stuff. Then she started back in about meds even though I have very clearly stated on at least three occasions that I will not take them.

By the end of my session my heart was pounding and all I could think was "breathe in, breathe out". I told her this and that I couldn't take anymore talk that day. Then she started in with, well "think of some enjoyable things you can do when you leave. Don't waste the rest of the day." But by that point I had no fight left in me. I'd gone from a 6 on my mood scale to a 1. I was completely numb mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I am not even sure how I drove the 20 minutes home. I sat in my car of maybe half an hour before I had enough energy to go in the house. Then I curled up in the fetal position on the couch for 4 hours unable to think about anything. Just stared at the button on the back of the couch. Finally dragged myself to bed without turning on any lights. I dragged myself to work today, but don't really want to be here at all.

I am just so frustrated. It seems like every time I go to a session ready to work, actually wanting to be there I leave feeling ten times worse and it takes me days to recover. I haven't been this down in years.

After sharing that deep stuff the session before and now having this happen, I don't feel that safe sharing with T right now.

I remember her saying "You've gotten through this before." And all I could think of was "Yeah. I did. By myself." Maybe I am just better off on my own and should quit seeing my T.

I know this is kinda old now, but I'm interested since I had an awful session not too long ago too.

I don't think I like that your t is pushing you on meds. I've had a very few t's do that when I first started with them, and it was clearly their pro-med orientation, I think, since they brought it up on the first visit and since I just have mild or moderate depression. IDK if dysthymia is the same thing, but if medication is not necessarily always recommended for your symptoms, maybe your t just has different beliefs about meds than you. I can't say meds would be awful for me either, since I've never tried them, just wanted to point out that there can be a huge variation in opinions from one t to another about this.

Anyway, I identified with a bunch of stuff you said- I was also much worse than I'd been in a long time after my awful session, I didn't feel safe sharing with my t, and I thought I might be better off quitting. I think it's great you're planning to keep going and planning to try to advocate for yourself more. I think maybe that's what I need to do- tell t what I want more clearly. It's hard though. I hope your t respects your views with the medication thing too.

I guess I kinda said this in my other post, but t was trying to respect what I was saying in the awful session. I'm still having a little trouble believing he didn't know he would hurt my feelings interpreting what I was saying the way he did, but I guess I have to admit it wasn't a terribly unreasonable interpretation. So anyway, I think things are likely to get better for you if you talk to your t.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by learning1

I know this is kinda old now, but I'm interested since I had an awful session not too long ago too.

I don't think I like that your t is pushing you on meds. I've had a very few t's do that when I first started with them, and it was clearly their pro-med orientation, I think, since they brought it up on the first visit and since I just have mild or moderate depression. IDK if dysthymia is the same thing, but if medication is not necessarily always recommended for your symptoms, maybe your t just has different beliefs about meds than you. I can't say meds would be awful for me either, since I've never tried them, just wanted to point out that there can be a huge variation in opinions from one t to another about this.

Anyway, I identified with a bunch of stuff you said- I was also much worse than I'd been in a long time after my awful session, I didn't feel safe sharing with my t, and I thought I might be better off quitting. I think it's great you're planning to keep going and planning to try to advocate for yourself more. I think maybe that's what I need to do- tell t what I want more clearly. It's hard though. I hope your t respects your views with the medication thing too.

I guess I kinda said this in my other post, but t was trying to respect what I was saying in the awful session. I'm still having a little trouble believing he didn't know he would hurt my feelings interpreting what I was saying the way he did, but I guess I have to admit it wasn't a terribly unreasonable interpretation. So anyway, I think things are likely to get better for you if you talk to your t.

I am sorry you had a rough session also.

T was very clear she would never force me onto meds. Anyway she's not a prescribing doc, so I'd have to go to my MD to get them...I feel like that's a bit of a safety buffer for me. I am incredible adamant that I won't take them until we have tried every other possible option, so I was really bothered by her bringing it up again. I suppose she wants to remind me its always there as an option or maybe wanted to see if I'd changed my mind since the last session.

Hope you find a way to tell your t more clearly what you need. I'm working on that this weekend - writing out some stuff so all I have to do is read it at my next session....or if I can't read it just hand her that paper.

[kitten16]

I love the "fresh copy" idea. That's right. I mean I don't want my T to totally forget who I am, but he should be waiting to see what I'm up to and how I'm feeling, before stamping me with "You're depressed." Ugh.

My T has some quirks and things that drive me crazy, but I do like his openers. So far it's always the same one, but it works for me: "What did you think of our last session?"

I think it's brilliant. He's the first to speak, usually, but this is the kind of question that doesn't steer me one way or the other. I can say, "Great," and get to what I want to talk about, or I can go into something that bothered me or intrigued me from our previous session.

Best therapeutic opener I've seen in ages...

Originally Posted by hankster

Ditto Sannah and Chopin. Maybe she reviewed her notes before you came in, so THAT'S who she was talking to, the "you" that left the previous session. I've told my T that I like that I feel like I get a "fresh copy" of him every time I come in, like he has no preconception of who I am or who I could be. I'm sorry your T did this to you. I guess I would ask her why; how she views depression. I don't think I can look at it unless I am currently feeling it. And why would you go there on purpose?! It's not like it's never coming back! UNFORTUNATELY!!! Dipwad! I'm sorry I'm yelling.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by kitten16

I love the "fresh copy" idea. That's right. I mean I don't want my T to totally forget who I am, but he should be waiting to see what I'm up to and how I'm feeling, before stamping me with "You're depressed." Ugh.

My T has some quirks and things that drive me crazy, but I do like his openers. So far it's always the same one, but it works for me: "What did you think of our last session?"

I think it's brilliant. He's the first to speak, usually, but this is the kind of question that doesn't steer me one way or the other. I can say, "Great," and get to what I want to talk about, or I can go into something that bothered me or intrigued me from our previous session.

Best therapeutic opener I've seen in ages...

Yeah, I like that one too. Keeps the focus on the issues you're in therapy for instead of what's going on day to day. Suppose there needs to be some of both though, and day to day sometimes is the main issue.

Hope the writing goes well Sconnie. My t seems to like me to be in-the-moment, and I think that's part of what I want to work on, so I haven't given him much writing. I think writing has a lot of advantages though.