[labelledame86]

Hi,

I'm sorry for writing but I really need support at this time. Basically, my therapist used to respond almost every time to my calls and texts and emails. But, then at his whim it seems like he changed his mind without ever explicitly telling me why. I noticed that he stopped responding as much and I confronted him on it directly in session. He basically then told me that he tries not to do much out of session contact and that he would continue to read my emails that I send him during the week, but that we would talk about them in session instead of him responding via email. When I asked him why he first answered all my contact but then seemed to change, he said basically that he didn't realize I would be contacting him so frequently or that it would be an "issue". He then proceeded to read out to me a list of my text messages to him over the past week . I told him to stop because it was embarrassing to hear them aloud, but he nevertheless continued. It felt like he was doing so just to scold and humiliate me and present explicit evidence of my wrongdoings. I did text him frequently over the last week, but mostly because he wasn't responding and that was creating anxiety. So I texted a lot of things such as "Do you hate me?" and "I don't think I deserve to be ignored" to which he eventually responded via text and reassured me that he did not hate me and wasn't sick of me.

I feel like he just arbitrarily changed his boundaries on me and now thinks that I'm too needy and demanding of his time. He knows that I struggle with attachment, getting too close to people or pulling away. I did text him later tonight that he had really hurt my feelings today and he apologized that he had done so. I really think he's trying to shift the blame on me when in reality he never set out any boundaries or expectations for contact from me in the first place! I'm so sad and upset because I feel really attached to him but he clearly wants me to just leave him the f*** alone. He offer that we could have 2 sessions per week instead of one so that I wouldn't have to go so long between seeing him, but he knows it's hard with my schedule. Ugh... I don't know what to do. I've just been crying about it and so upset, because I really love him and just wish we could be close. I don't know how to calm down. I would really appreciate anyone sharing their experience with something similar or sharing your thoughts on this.

Thank you.

[justbreathe1994]

That sounds really excruciating and hard. I do think it's up to Ts to know their boundaries and limits ahead of time so as to avoid any abrupt changes and ruptures in the relationship. If your T doesn't see his responsibility in this and it's negative impact on you, I'm honestly not sure what advice to give you. It sounds really painful. I'm going through a similar experience with my T as she has abruptly changed her boundaries many times throughout our work together. In the past, I have written her letters which seem to be somewhat helpful way to get the words and feelings out.

[toomanycats]

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry.
I have had this experience as well (of a therapist arbitrarily changing boundaries and his own behavior). I want to reassure you that you have done NOTHING wrong. It is the therapist's JOB to establish and maintain the boundaries. It is even part of therapy for you to PUSH against these boundaries. So, his lack of defined boundaries is a red flag. (Not saying he's a bad therapist, just that this was a crucial mistake on his part - to allow contact without clearly defining boundaries and expectations. Outside contact can be really beneficial if it's handled in this way! Once again - you have done NOTHING wrong, nor is it wrong to want or ask for outside contact.)

After a really awful experience with a therapist who had NO boundaries, I found my current therapist, who has really well-defined boundaries. In our first session or so, we talked about outside contact. His rule is that I can text or call at any time and request a paid-for phone or text conversation. He then charges me his usual rate for the phone/text conversation. I am allowed to email as often/as much as I like, but he is not obligated to read or respond to it. Any response he does provide is free. (I should add that, thus far (2 months I've been with him), he has always read and responded - I email usually once per week - though I also respond to his responses to thank him.)

Because our outside contact began with these very clear boundaries, I do not have that torturous anxiety over "will he respond or won't he? what will that mean about our relationship??" ...at least not right now. And, he state the "no obligation to read/respond" bit in case my emails became overwhelming or he had no time to respond. Did it hurt a bit to hear that? Yes... my ex T said he'd always respond (but didn't)... his 'fantastical' overpromise felt good to hear... but current T's realistic and, more important, consistently adhered to promise/rules are immensely more comforting in the long run.

[Swimmersusan]

I don't really know what to say, nothing will really help I feel, but all I can say is I understand how much boundary changes can suck and can be unsettling.
I think Ts don't realise just how damaging it can be to change something for clients, especially those already with attachment and abandonment issues/fears!
I also on a more level headed side can see that sometimes things need changing/adapting if they feel it isn't working or isn't in the clients best interest in the long run, however if that is the case. They should expect to somewhat be able to pick up the pieces as such from the client who inevitably feel devastated whether to them it seems rational or not.
I hope you can work it out with your T, I believe boundary changes however hard can be worked out for the most part, of both parties and willing and able to, but I don't think it can be fixed overnight and will take some hard work, especially hard work from the T who will seem less trustworthy in thecliebts eyes!
I'm sorry you are going through this and I really hope you can find the strength to continue and work through it with your T, f not I hope you can find a T that gives you the things you need.

I am so sorry you are feeling hurt & abandoned by your t. I agree with most of the others, that your t should have taken responsibility for his boundaries & to just change without a proper discussion with you to establish what you need from him, is nothing less than cruel. You have done nothing wrong as he has allowed this up until now. We are very fragile people who don't need the rug pulled suddenly, from underneath us. I do think you need to thrash this out with him, even if it's just to tell him how, what he's done, is impacting on you. Lots & lots of hugs to you & you have done NOTHING WRONG.

[Out There]

I'm sorry this is happening for you. T's need to be very careful with boundaries and they aren't always - changes can hit people very hard. I just had the opposite issue with one of my T's , he offered out of session contact which wasn't for me and affected my boundaries although it was well intentioned. They hit the wrong notes sometimes. And your T should understand how it makes you feel.

[Anastasia~]

I have texted some of my most embarrassing/humiliating texts to T when I thought he wouldn't answer. I don't feel embarrassed or humiliated at all, though, as my T never shames me for how I feel and how I express myself when trying to tell him what is going on with me. I have felt embarrassed at times when he reads them aloud, but it wasn't major. Sometimes people don't know where their boundaries are until one is crossed. I would expect a therapist to know his/her boundaries as far as this topic goes.

He doesn't want you to leave as evidenced by him offering you a second session with him. I would encourage you to find time in your schedule, and take him up on his offer. It sounds like you need more support during the week.

Ts have to keep records of our texts, our emails, and what they write back. Many Ts don't do email therapy (mine doesn't), I suspect because the nonverbal language is just as important, if not more, than the written/spoken language. Just a guess.

I hope your T will be able to help you with your feelings about being able to/not being able to email.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've had issues with T1 regarding e-mails...she was good with them for a long time, saying she had another client, too, who tended to process things through e-mail. How she'd always read them, but not always respond. And that sending them was fine. This went on for like 2 years.

Then, I sent her a couple in a row that weren't super important that she responded to. Followed by one where I was very upset about something (I forget if it involved her, my husband, or MC), where I really wanted a response--and she didn't respond. I told her next session that I was upset that she'd responded to the lighter ones, but not that. And she was like, "Your e-mails just kept getting longer and longer, and I only have so much time." It really bothered me because it took my bringing it up with her for her to say she was unhappy about it. And that's one of my big issues (which she knows)--fearing people are angry at/annoyed with me, but not telling me.

It led to a rupture, from which I'm not sure we ever completely recovered (I just started seeing a different T earlier this week, just to try it out). Like, I'd still e-mail her at times, and she'd sometimes respond, but there were times when I really wanted to reach out to her, but then wasn't sure it was OK to do that. And she wouldn't tell me what was too much. Then recently, she said something about ethically having to give equal time to all clients. To which I said, "But you said most don't e-mail?" She said she still had to give equal time. Which is not something she'd ever said before. Which partly is what led to looking for a different T...just the inconsistency and feeling of rejection.

So, in other words, I get it...