[granite1]

i have SO many questions..i just have not been very good this week at all i had a really hard time saying anything in T yesterday.i do try and feel i am trying very hard but it never seems like enough . now again i just feel like she doesn't want to really work with me.i had been sitting there for i don't know how long,it seemed like forever.she asked me if i was feeling stuck again and i just shook my head yes.she asked if i wanted us to do something to help. it was like the the so so scared part of me peeked out from behind her black curtain wanting to know what she had planned.she asked if i wanted to bring out Felix my stuffy and sit on the floor in my head the scared part of me jumps doing back flips onto the new rug she has so i can run my fingers over it and hide.so i took out my stuffy and sat on the rug she got a deck of uno cards and thought me to play uno but she said that i needed to say uno if i had one card left i swear she must have seen my panic and then said to me "not very loud OK".i won and i thought i was OK.i was on the floor feeling somewhat safe and then she asks sternly now how was your week. i know and feel in every part of me that she wants me to talk now.i didn't know what to say and i lightly said so feeling so bad about everything.i wanted to melt into her new rug.she started talking about how i might me angry at her for going away next week(maybe)but she started talking about the part of me we call red and how i cant keep letting that part of me rule my life.she says she know that i feel that part keeps me protected.i don't think she knows how much it keeps me safe and her.she doesn't want to know the other part of me.any time i even let that part out a little it is a problem.like yesterday.the part of me that is red would never allow me to hold a stuffy or sit on the floor or play cards or anything.she was wanting me to talk i got scared red takes over and i start to put my stuffy in my T bag she asks why i am putting Felix awayi shrugged and put it away.she then said "is it time to have an adult conversation ?".i didn't know what to think.she wants to see the part of me that is so protected by the part that is red and when she sees a little of that part she makes me even more scared and horrified of that part of me.she hates that part of me and i never want to go back.she hands me a pad and pencil and asked me if i could right down one thought and we could work with that.it took me forever but i wrote down that i don't want anyone to ever know what i am thinking or feel,except you. and i handed it to her.she didn't look at it and she said to me"you want ME to read this "i shook my head yes and she read it out loud she told me that she felt i was brave for saying that and talked more about the part that is red controlling my life and how i cant keep giving that part of me so much power.how can i not do that when the other part of me repulses her

[Perna]

I don't think any part of you repulses her and I think you are doing extremely well; look at how complicated your session was! How much happened and what you learned, thought, experienced, tried! Remember what everything was like the first couple times you were there -- nothing happened! Now you are doing a little talking and negotiating and trading good, fun, stuff for slightly harder stuff. Yes, progress is slow but it always is! You didn't get to who you are now in a week either, took years, over time.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite I think you did well!

give yourself some rest, now that the session is over, and try to think of other things while you assimilate what happened this time.

what happened? Yr T very gently offered you several ways to feel safer - this is someone who DOES want to work with you - and when she asked you to write down a thought, it was a very deep one (not something I would write, like "I like yr new rug" ). I think you did very well.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i was on the floor feeling somewhat safe and then she asks sternly now how was your week.

I tried to picture her asking you this in a stern way and I just couldn't imagine it.

Originally Posted by granite1

she doesn't want to know the other part of me.any time i even let that part out a little it is a problem. she wants to see the part of me that is so protected by the part that is red and when she sees a little of that part she makes me even more scared and horrified of that part of me.she hates that part of me

How do you know that she is repulsed by this part of you?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I tried to picture her asking you this in a stern way and I just couldn't imagine it.


How do you know that she is repulsed by this part of you?

because she made comments that made me feel this way.when she said are going to have an adult conversation now?i really didn't have any conversation and her saying that just made me see she hated any part of me who wants to sit on the floor or play games or have her read stories(she even asked if i wanted her to read)or someone who wants to hold tight to a stuffy or anything like that all she wants is for me to talk to her and i wont do it now ever.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Granite I think you did well!

give yourself some rest, now that the session is over, and try to think of other things while you assimilate what happened this time.

what happened? Yr T very gently offered you several ways to feel safer - this is someone who DOES want to work with you - and when she asked you to write down a thought, it was a very deep one (not something I would write, like "I like yr new rug" ). I think you did very well.

thanks SAWE my T said i need to give the part of me that she calls red a rest but/ im so hurt by her i will never do that now.i hate this feeling and if i let the part that was red always be in controle i wouldnt feel this way now i so wanted to scream that at her.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think any part of you repulses her and I think you are doing extremely well; look at how complicated your session was! How much happened and what you learned, thought, experienced, tried! Remember what everything was like the first couple times you were there -- nothing happened! Now you are doing a little talking and negotiating and trading good, fun, stuff for slightly harder stuff. Yes, progress is slow but it always is! You didn't get to who you are now in a week either, took years, over time.

perna right now i feel everything in this session was horrible.it hurts to think how much i cant be how she wants me to act or how much she wants me to just talk to her .god she has to hate me now and i dont blame her.she cant even pretend to tolerate me now.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite - I meant give yourself a rest, not isolating some part and trying to do just that one part. You have worked hard today and you deserve to relax a little. can you do that?

[granite1]

i'm never going to bring my stuffy or anything to T ever again.i don't want her to sit on the floor with me i dont want her to read to me or draw or anything.i don't want to see her now ever.i'm glad she is gone for 2 weeks.maybe by then i will be able to be the perfect person she wants me to be LOL ya right.i'm just hurt so bad i feel like she betrayed me in leading me to believe that she thought things that she didn't like when she told me bringing a stuffy to T was ok with her if it was ok with me.but it wasn't.nothing i do seems ok with her at all.it seems like it was all a lie.but i can't figure out why.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Granite - I meant give yourself a rest, not isolating some part and trying to do just that one part. You have worked hard today and you deserve to relax a little. can you do that?

i really am going to try SWAE.i know you didnt mean anything bad at all.i just feel really blindsided by her

[unaluna]

granite - so did you go help your father yesterday? why didn't you tell your T about it? I know you can see how it affects you. I'm not trying to tell you what to do? - i'm just trying to reach out to you.

[granite1]

to be honest hankster i dont think i even thought about it.i just think i panicked about everything.i don't know why .i dont think my farther was that bad yesterday i think he said a few things but i think he was ok unless i don't remember.i was mad at him because he decided he wanted to take a way home he didnt know and we got completely lost and i was scared i was going to miss my appointment without calling but he got me home just in time to jump in the shower and go.i guess i could have said he wasnt bad.kind of strange now that i think of it. wonder what was wrong.maybe i could tell her and maybe even though he was ok it could be the reason i was so closed off.i just closed myself off for the day so i could deal with him and it was the first time i was out for any length of time. i still hate how everything made me feel .it could be part of it

[unaluna]

I think that stress is a lot harder on us than we realize. how do you feel when you see kids throwing tantrums in the store, or they fall on the street and cry (we have a lot of preschoolers taking walks downtown and those poor little kids are always tripping! You think it's the end of the world, and they don't even have a scratch on them!) - when I see them, I think, that was NEVER me making that much noise. So yesterday you got completely lost, were almost late - THAT'S HORRIBLE! THAT'S STRESSFUL! Tuesday a neighbor offered me a ride, but said she had to get gas first - I said, we have half an hour, I need a guarantee! She looked doubtful so I said thanks but no thanks, i'll take the bus. Sometimes I feel like I have been under so much stress for so long...!!! Or trying so hard and getting zero or negative results. T even acknowledged this week that I did something, or didn't do it, just to avoid the stress. It was a very simple thing, he surprised me that he saw my reasoning. But I think we absorbed all that stress into our bodies, me with my bodyfat, you with your bodyart. To where we simply cannot carry any more. Not add another drop.

[granite1]

i use to throw the hugest tantrums ever in T i am now thinking of chopin's T demonstrating a tantrum.i know if i did that now she would lock me up. i just want to be able to figure out a way to talk to her so she wont be so angry and frustrated with me.so i can start to feel better and start to heal and not always be scared and angry

[rainbow8]

granite, I'm sorry your session was so hard. Your T isn't the mean person you think she is. She just wants to help you. Therapy is hard work. Be nice to yourself. You're doing okay!

[granite1]

i am trying to believe this rain i really am but it is hard when every part of me feels like she hates me again.i just dont understand the stuff she does and says sometimes.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

because she made comments that made me feel this way.

Exactly............. you were triggered? Your past in your head is ripe for triggering granite. The stuff that is in your head colors how you view what others say and how they act towards you.

People get triggered by their therapists. It is almost guaranteed. People's issues get triggered in therapy.

Originally Posted by granite1

when she said are going to have an adult conversation now?i really didn't have any conversation and her saying that just made me see she hated any part of me who wants to sit on the floor or play games or have her read stories(she even asked if i wanted her to read)or someone who wants to hold tight to a stuffy or anything like that all she wants is for me to talk to her and i wont do it now ever.

She sees your parts?? She sees your child parts and your adult parts. I don't think that she was passing judgement granite.