[SoupDragon]

My T (not sure whether he is current or ex at this point in time - jury's still out ) says that our feelings arise in us and we then atttach them to something external to us.

Sometimes I can get my head around what he means, but other times I really don't get it. I just wondered whether anyone had another way of explaining it that may help me understand what T means.

[neuropaper]

I see it as meaning that our feelings are provoked or initiated by the things we apply them to, I am thinking of either partners or someone you trust.

If I have not seen a good friend in a long time, i feel very happy, other wise i have no apparent emotion.

Things like that, i think

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

My T (not sure whether he is current or ex at this point in time - jury's still out ) says that our feelings arise in us and we then atttach them to something external to us.

Sometimes a feeling we have we think that someone else has it. Or, we attach feelings to things ("it" is bad) when feelings are only inside of people.

[carla.cdt]

For me it means that you don't control your feeling/emotions and when they come we try to attach a thought or reason to it instead of just noticing/accepting it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

My T (not sure whether he is current or ex at this point in time - jury's still out ) says that our feelings arise in us and we then atttach them to something external to us.

Sometimes I can get my head around what he means, but other times I really don't get it. I just wondered whether anyone had another way of explaining it that may help me understand what T means.

I read it like this. Sometimes you are angry, but don't know why. But anger needs a target. In that case, you may end up shouting at anyone or everyone. That's transference.

Or you're fearful and don't know why, and end up with an irrational phobia.

Or you have a lot of love to give but no one to give it to. So you fall in love with your therapist.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sometimes if a person is uncomfortable feeling a feeling, they'll transfer that feeling to someone or something else. My daughter does this a lot with anger, so it's not her being frustrated with the pencil that broke its lead, it's "the pencil is being mean."

[growlycat]

Sometimes I feel like my T is mad at me, he turns it around and says I must be mad at him. It gets confusing!

[Perna]

I think of feelings as information that help me act in my own best interest. They work with my intellect to give me a clearer picture of what I am thinking about myself, others, my world around me. But then, I love my defenses too; my personal super hero powers that keep me safe :-)

I don't think feelings are attached to just external things; we feel about ourselves too, based on our own actions. When we think we did something "stupid" for example, we don't feel too good about ourselves? Unless we use our intellect to examine the "stupid" and check it out, figure out exactly what it means, how it compares to our other behavior, whether other people we know do similar things, etc. If we don't pair our feelings with our intellect/reasoning, we can end up stewing in our own negative feelings which, if accepted, unchallenged, cause negative thoughts to arise which cause more negative feelings, etc.

I was with a college dorm neighbor "friend" and we went to the local college-town grocery store, were walking around, it was a week day and there weren't many people in the store. She picked up a Tastykake or something, unwrapped it, and starting eating it.

I felt afraid.

That's direct and easy enough; I was with her, afraid she/we would get caught and punished; afraid because I had never seen or done anything like that and did not have "control" over the situation; I'm basically honest and it's stealing so I saw this "friend" as not just a thief but an I-don't-care-about-these-people person and if she did not respect them, where was the line between she and I? Would she steal from me if she wanted something of mine?

I asked her, "Are you going to pay for that?" She said, "Yes." I relaxed a little bit. The situation became less chaotic and more understandable; I thought she was hungry, would get the couple other items she wanted, present them and the cake wrapper to the checkout clerk and all would be well.

She casually put down the cake wrapper on a shelf in another aisle. Okay, my brain thought quickly, she'll tell the clerk what it was and the clerk will add it to her bill that way.

We went through the checkout aisle, no mention was made of the cake. We exited the store.

I felt afraid.

Did you notice I did not really "do" anything in the above story, the story is really about someone else? I just felt and thought? Yes, my feeling and thinking did get me to ask if she was going to pay. . . and that helped me momentarily lower my level of anxiety (did not have anything to do with her).

What happens if I tell myself, "You should have stopped her!"?
What happens if I tell myself, "I'm glad that is finally over with."?
What happens if I tell myself, "You should go back in the store and tell the manager."?
What happens if I tell myself, "Hey, I should try that!"?
What happens if I tell myself, "Go back in there and give the clerk the money, tell her "we" were hungry, ate the cake and forgot to pay for it."?

Remember, I told you when we got outside, I was afraid (different fear now from when I saw her take the cake and eat it); how does that color the answer to the above? Which of the above is "most likely"?

That's what we do every day with our emotions, but in split second time and without as much analysis, often, not enough. One of my stepmother's favorite sayings was, "The truth if it kills you!" and she was serious about that My thoughts, feelings and behavior growing up were trained by that woman. The idea of "Hey, I should try that" did not enter my thoughts that day :-)

So, we go to therapy to look at a few of our "bigger" memories and explore what we were thinking and feeling and where it came from and what we might have been thinking and feeling but it came/went so fast we were unaware. Was I perhaps jealous that my friend got away with it and I never seemed to? How about anger at my friend for putting me in that position, especially with no warning? And me, Miss Goodie Two-shoes, why did I accept the word of a thief instead of calling her on her thievery right then and there? Because it was "easier" for me? Why didn't I at least walk away from the train wreck I suspected was going down? I felt really strongly (obviously, here I am talking about it and recalling it 40+ years later?) about a 79¢ item, was it really THAT big of a deal?

[ClementineK]

That is a confusing one, to me anyway.

I guess I would just have to agree with what others have said. I'm not sure what to think.

To me, though, it is confusing because a feeling always has an external cause. It doesn't come out of nowhere. But if we don't *know* what has caused our feeling, or what it is, I imagine it could cause us to "project" as others have said. Is your T saying this in the context of projection, or having a hard time identifying your feelings or where they come from?

My T constantly asks me if I'm projecting. Not in those words. But I often ask her if she is angry with me. She then asks, "Do you think you could be the one that is angry?" It used to frustrate me, and I wondered what in the h*** she was talking about. But I can see it now. If I think she is angry at me, I may either be angry myself, or feeling very judgmental of myself or unworthy.