[zooropa]

I don't think this belongs here, although certainly part of what is going on with me is related to therapy and both my current and former therapists.

But it's more than that, it's everything. It's money and kids and life and school and anxiety and stress stress stress. It's everything. I'm almost completely overwhelmed right now, and I don't know where to post, where it fits, who to talk to, how to get help. I say almost completely overwhelmed, because I still have enough left to reach out here, but that's about it. I'm trying to get my kids to quit talking to me, to quit expecting me to break up their squabbles, because I really think I'm just about to snap and I don't even know what that would look like but it's never pretty.

[unaluna]

how old are these kids? and you know you always have a home right here.

[zooropa]

I have 3 (teens and a preteen) at home now, the oldest of them will be 18 next week. And he's the main source of my distress right now. He's emotionally, verbally, abusive. He says it's not abuse, he says I'm too sensitive. I know he, like all my kids, grew up hearing their dad call me those names and talk to me that way, so I understand that it comes naturally in a way. I also know that he is making a choice to be abusive.

The emotional toll of finding myself living with an abusive man, one that used to be my darling baby, is huge. Knowing that his birthday is coming up and that I will probably have to tell him he can't live here anymore is breaking my heart. I need to be able to be safe at home, I need and want to provide a safe home for my other kids as well as for myself. And at the same time, I love my son. I don't want to hurt him, and I certainly don't want to inflict the kind of abandonment wounds on him that I have carried all my life. I feel like I have to choose between hurting him and hurting me, and I keep trying to remind myself that it's not MY choice. If he chooses to not be abusive he can stay, if he does not then he has to go. It's HIS choice, not mine, but...I'm the parent. It feels like I created this monster and now it's gotten too big for me to control. It feels like failure and fear and pain and all the bad things.

phew. I needed to get that out. There is more going on, but that's the big thing. I just cannot live like this anymore, walking on eggshells so I don't set him off.

[unaluna]

what did somebody here say about "too sensitive"? You tell them there is no such thing as TOO sensitive; you're either sensitive, or you're NOT. That might give a teenager something to think about, idk. I'm sure other people will chime in soon.

[rainbow8]

zoo, it's nice to see you here but I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time with your almost 18 year old son. It sounds like you're handling the situation in the correct way, giving your son the choice to change his behavior if he wants to live with you. I know how hard it must be for you, though.

Are you still seeing the same T? Has she gotten any better? I hope so! I hope you can get the help you need. It seems that your T would be a good place to start. I know how it is to feel overwhelmed. Can you make a list of what you need to do, and prioritize it?

I wish I could make life easier for you. Hang in there. You're a strong person and you can get through this too.

[rainbow_rose]

i'm glad you reached out, zooropa. i have no wise words, but wanted to offer my support.

safe hugs, if that's ok.

[BonnieJean]

Zoo, that's so much to deal with! None of it is easy. I hope telling us about it helped a little. Sometimes when things are overwhelming me, I break things down into smaller bits; either time periods to make it thru or actions to try to work on some part of it. I hope you can talk to your t about it, too.

Hi Zoo
as if all the other stuff isn't enough, you have to deal with (almost) 18 yr. old hormones. I'm not sure if girls are any different but if I survived my girls teen(and older) years, anyone can. Yikes they can make you feel so horrible. I am really not trying to make light of this, but if you had seen me about 10 years ago.....you'd understand. I totally believed it was me or my daughter. One of us wasn't going to make it. And eggshells OMG eggshells! It didn't help that my anger came up so fast that I would snap at a moments notice. My doctor suggested CHINS. Children in need of support. I didn't do that however because it's a court process and I feared it would further distance my daughter from me. If you do choose to do CHINS, you must do it before his 18 th birthday.
I can't tell you what happened but she grew up. She became human and loving and kind. I know having a son is different i.e. his size and all, but believe me when I say my daughter and I made a fierce wrestling match.
It does get better. You need to demand respect in order to have your son see that he cannot treat people like he does.
We're here for you. Sorry if my post wasn't exactly helpful, but I tried. Good luck and please keep posting.

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by hankster

what did somebody here say about "too sensitive"? You tell them there is no such thing as TOO sensitive; you're either sensitive, or you're NOT. That might give a teenager something to think about, idk. I'm sure other people will chime in soon.

That was my fantastic T, and I totally agree with her!

I recognise that desperate on the edge feeling too. I've just managed to claw my way through the last week. So sorry you're having such a hard time too!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I have 3 (teens and a preteen) at home now, the oldest of them will be 18 next week. And he's the main source of my distress right now. He's emotionally, verbally, abusive. He says it's not abuse, he says I'm too sensitive. I know he, like all my kids, grew up hearing their dad call me those names and talk to me that way, so I understand that it comes naturally in a way. I also know that he is making a choice to be abusive.

That must be very distressing for you.

But remember, he's still a kid and still a teenager. Teenagers say a lot of stupid and hurtful things. They think the world is against them. It's best not to take it too personally. Easy to say, I know!

[darkrunner]

(((Zooropa)))

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.

And at the same time, I love my son. I don't want to hurt him, and I certainly don't want to inflict the kind of abandonment wounds on him that I have carried all my life.

This is NOT abandoment. He is 18 and you are giving him the opportunity to stay. You every every right to set out the expectations for his behavior and establish boundaries when your are the one footing the bill for his life. If he chooses not to behave within those expectations, how is it abandonment? It's not. In fact, you are teaching him a VALUABLE life lesson that too many parents are afraid to teach their children. You would do him a great disservice by enabling his bad behavior.

You can't do anything about the past. If his father was a bad role model, that is unfortunate, but that doesn't excuse his behavior now. He knows right from wrong. Does he treat others this way - his teachers, boss, etc?
I'm sure he knows how to control his behavior and be civil when it is in his best interest to do so.

He needs to learn that as an adult sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, and actions comes with consequences. I understand how hard it is, because 'tough love' is tough.

And yes, you absolutely deserve to have a safe environment at home for you and your other children.
Big hugs.

[WikidPissah]

(((zoo))) It's good to hear from you. Sorry things are so very crappy right now! I remember my son at 18...yikes.

[Sannah]

Walking on the eggshells sounds like the problem. Are you afraid of him?

This is the problem because the parent needs to take control of the situation in order to solve it.

I can understand how you are probably being triggered and how difficult this must be.

Actually, children are frightened when an adult isn't in control. If the adult isn't in control it means that they are and this doesn't feel very secure.

If you are afraid of him do you fear physical violence?

[zooropa]

sorry it took me a few days to get back here. Thanks so much to you all for your replies and your consistent support.

I am still seeing the same T. I guess she's not new-T anymore. I saw her this past week, and talked some about the situation with my son. She just...she was empathetic, sort of. She stared at her desk and shook her head regretfully. Then she said "well...I'm excited because I'm going on vacation next week!"

I mean. It's like we're friends and she wants to make sure she gets equal time to talk about what's been going on in her life since the last time we talked.

so that situation isn't great, and I haven't decided what to do about it.

As to your question, Sannah, I don't know that I fear physical abuse as much as I fear continued and more intense verbal abuse. It could be that I fear the way I feel when he is yelling at me, when he is saying horrible things. I fear the hopelessness that comes with not feeling safe at home.

I'm not sure what I fear, and I don't know how to sort all this out. So I'm just getting through the days, scraping by in school, going through a med change, holding on through the rain and waiting for the rainbow.

[Victoria'smom]

Is there any way you can delegate some of the stress, even house hold chores? Is 18 yr old son enrolled in high school, or college? You may want to have him look for a studio that he can share with a friend. Even if you pay for half ~ 200, it may cause less stress in your life. Your children are old enough to give you three hours of relaxation. Your teens should be at least volunteering or having part time jobs. I completely understand money stress and hope you can find an easier way to deal with those issues. If you can you may want to see if dropping to part-time school is an option to ease stress.

[googley]

((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I agree with the others that it is up to your son to have appropriate behavior. He is making choices. Is he in therapy? If not, it might be a good thing for him (at least until he is 18). At that point it is his decision how to act. I agree with others that your children should be able to give you some space. I would suggest that you set up specific times to give them all your attention (dinner and/or some other activity), and then let them know that there are other times that are 'you' times where you aren't to be disturbed unless it is an emergency. That way they get time with you, but you also get time for yourself. Knowing that they are going to get set times with you should help to make them less demanding of your time when it is 'you' time. I hope you find some peace. Whatever yoru son has saw, it does not excuse his behavior.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I saw her this past week, and talked some about the situation with my son. She just...she was empathetic, sort of. She stared at her desk and shook her head regretfully. Then she said "well...I'm excited because I'm going on vacation next week!"

I mean. It's like we're friends and she wants to make sure she gets equal time to talk about what's been going on in her life since the last time we talked.

This is therapy? You deserve better.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I fear continued and more intense verbal abuse. It could be that I fear the way I feel when he is yelling at me, when he is saying horrible things. I fear the hopelessness that comes with not feeling safe at home.

Sounds like you are being triggered back to the feelings of your previous abusive situations? Children need their parents in charge. If the parent isn't in charge this means that the child is in charge and this is scary for them. When they are scared they act out of control. If you can get a handle on your being triggered and not feel out of control then you can act like you are in control, or at least act like you are not out of control and then your son can feel like an adult is in control and then he won't be so scared and acting out of control.

Zoo
I feel I didn't say the right things to you and hope it didn't upset you more. What sannah said about kids needing the adult to be in control is 100% right. It does scare them when they feel no one is in control.
I hope you find a resolution to this; I can offer you my hand because I have been thrpough it.

[zooropa]

calista, your reponse was fine. Better than fine, it was appreciated. No worries.

Sannah, yes, it's triggering for me. I'm trying to work through it. Things kind of came to a boil with my son the other day but we have had a couple of good conversations since then and he told me that he does see that if I define it as abuse then it has to stop, whether he means it to be abusive or not. That's progress.

I also know this is the cycle of abusive relationships, and that we are in the honeymoon calm period right now, and that eventually things will boil over again. I'm just doing the best I can and enjoying the now without worrying too much about what might happen in the future.

[googley]

((((((((Zoo))))))))))

Thank you for reaching out and letting us support you. Let us know how we can help you.

[roads]

zoo, I agree with Sannah that you are not getting a full measure of therapy from this T. In some ways (e.g. Friendship) she appears to profit more than you. Right now, with the 18yr-old, you need hard support with past abusive issues--which she does not seem (able) to be providing.

Has this been ongoing, since you began with her? Or is this something you've recently settled into?

And I am concerned about whether you're in any physical danger. Clearly this conflict with your son hasn't reached anything like a conclusion yet, so no one really has any idea what the real dimensions may be. That's frightening. It seems to me that some sort of family counseling might me helpful, to avoid any escalation or acting-out.

zoo, you say he learned some of the terminology from his dad? Is there any behavior that he might have learned?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

we have had a couple of good conversations since then and he told me that he does see that if I define it as abuse then it has to stop, whether he means it to be abusive or not. That's progress.

I'm just doing the best I can and enjoying the now without worrying too much about what might happen in the future.

Very good! Keep up the good communication with him. Keep us posted?