[Chopin99]

I decided to wait a few hours before posting so that I am responding to what occurred in session, not reacting. I'm also going to do a general gist post.

T asked about the work situation that had me in a state of panic when I went in last week. I told her how I processed it, how I blew it out of proportion, how I stood up for myself, and what I learned from it. She thought that was good.

Then...she brought up the email. She said she thought she was quite clear last session: no emails. She thought when I emailed Friday that I was purposefully pushing the boundary in an attention-seeking manner and that's why she responded the way she did. I said she was NOT clear; she did NOT say NO emails. I asked if could we set up those boundaries and make them very clear right now. She said she didn't want me to email right now. I asked why; what if I needed to change an appointment? She said that emailing her in crisis is not helping me to learn or grow. It is enabling me. She said she has given me tons of tools to use over the past year and I choose not to use them. Embarrassingly enough, she is correct. I know what to do, but it's easier to just rely on T. That doesn't help me. She said I am not taking her boundaries into consideration when I email. She was actually pretty specific about her parameters in the beginning.

She went on to say that she didn't understand how I dealt with my previous position at work (on-call for crisis 24/7, weekend on-call for staff coverage every 7 weeks, mounds of paperwork) without totally burning out. I admitted that I was thrilled not to be 24/7 on-call anymore after 5 years of it and that last weekend was my last on-call weekend after 12 years and I felt freedom Monday morning. She said she wanted freedom too, especially at her age.

She said that different T's have different parameters regarding outside contact and whatever those parameters are, they should be respected. She used to think my past borderline diagnosis was bunk; however, through my emails, she is discovering what I warned her of months...I'm manipulative, most of the time I don't realize it. She said I could be manipulating out of habit and I needed to learn a new way of relating. We agreed on no email right now unless I need an appointment change. As I develop my own boundaries and learn how to respect the boundaries of others, we will re-negotiate.

She said during that hour I am in that room, I can say absolutely anything I want to her, cry, scream, or yell; I can hit the couch, pillow, etc...I just can't try to physically hurt myself, her, or the room itself. It is a completely safe place. She said when I take that outside of session via email, taking how she feels about email into consideration (that it is an "outside relationship" of sorts), then I'm trying to make it more than a therapeutic relationship.

I told her I had processed through my feelings about the email and the "short hugs only" boundary. When I looked up from reading these, she was grinning from ear to ear. She said THAT is exactly what she's been wanting me to do. She said I needed to follow up on the resolutions.

I told her I wanted to talk about my work from the "Boundaries" book next time. She actually had a workbook that went along with that book and she loaned it to me. She told me to look at it and see if I think it would be helpful for me. I told her I would make copies of anything helpful I found. She said if I liked the way I was processing better, that was fine by her. Or both.

I told her that I remember a few months ago she told me, "Sometimes all people need is love." I said, "Sometimes I need love, but I also need a kick in the @$$ once in a while." She said, "I am sorry, I really wasn't trying to kick you in the @$$." I told her it got me where I needed to be...to finally get serious about changing. I asked her if she ever thought that I didn't really want to change. She said no.

She had to cancel one of the two appointments I had next week. She has finally been cleared to have her breast reconstruction surgery in a couple of months and her initial appointment is next Wednesday. I told her I understood; she's been waiting months to finish up that surgery. We talked about 10 minutes after session about what she's been going through with it.

We didn't talk about this during session, but it is what I know is true about myself. I am now going to be brave enough to tell the truth, to myself first, to this forum next, and to T next week. Even though I gave up on the idea of "friendship" with T in January, I was still focused on the relationship with her to my own detriment. I still had that "mom crush". I still hoped she would give me everything I wanted. She is not going to and it is for my own good. I am finally doing the work I should. I'm sad about it, but that's okay. I am worthy of a better life. I am worthy of healing. I've had a hard time believing that up until this point, but I've turned a corner this week. That's not to say I won't fall down again, but I will get back up. I will continue on. I will learn to have boundaries, to not allow people to run over me, to not run over other people, and to truly love them by not manipulating. I have to learn to stand on my own.

Reminds me of a song: "Aware" by Salvador

Even in the little things
That never seem too big to me
And the things I thought didn't matter much at all
As simple as my daily bread
To the strength I need to get out of bed
When I fly, or when I'm bound to fall
Oh it's You, in me, that I fail to see

Make me aware, make me see
That everything I am is not all about me
So take my world, turn it around
So that the obvious can finally be found
Make me aware, make me aware

When my life is hanging from a thread
And I think about the things You said
That in this moment seem so far away
Help me see the guarantees
That first brought me to believe
So I can make it through another day
Oh it's You, in me, that helps me breathe

I have been missing so much
Not recognizing Your touch
Or acknowledging that
You're the reason I'm even here
I have been missing so much
Not recognizing your touch
Make me aware, make me aware

And help me see, that everything
I am is not all about me
Take my world, turn it around
So that the obvious can finally be found
Make me aware, make me aware

[critterlady]

Wow, Chopin, that sounds like a really powerful and productive session.

I love your last paragraph. You really are worthy of healing.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Chopin -
I'm really glad that you were able to take this information and use it to push yourself forward. I don't want to hijack your thread, but it has brought up some massive emotions in me (which is a good thing because I can verbalize how I feel So, I am going to start a thread with T setting boundaries as the topic. But I wanted to be supportive of YOU here, so
kudos!
Take care

[rainbow8]

That's wonderful, Chopin. I think you're further ahead than I am now. I'm happy for you. It makes me wonder if my T is enabling me by allowing me to email her even though she doesn't answer them. I'm probably, to be honest, still too attached to her. We each have to go on our own path in therapy, though. I'm proud of you!

[CantExplain]

Hi Chopin!

I'm annoyed that T gets to decide what is "enabling" behaviour without discussing it with you first.