[rainbow8]

This is the first time in a long time that I haven't posted about my session on the same day. I've been preoccupied with a time-consuming hobby that I love. It's taken over my brain and I even talked in my session about whether that's good or bad because this high is not going to last forever. It was a great distraction from thinking about my T's upcoming trip, though I didn't plan for it to be!

So, I told my T over and over that I, or the child part, wants to go with her on her trip. She immediately said we're going to do EMDR about it. It was very hard for me to do. The negative feeling about myself was "you don't want me" and I was supposed to start with the way kids treated me when I was 10 years old. But I kept thinking about wanting to go with her, and finally got the words out "it hurts when I get close to people and they leave or die". I had written that in an email but saying it was a completely different story. I always talk in a soft, quiet voice when I do EMDR. Does anyone else do that? I felt very close to my T even though my eyes were closed. I didn't cry though I felt like I wanted to. I could FEEL her caring about me. We talked about my mother a little, too.

Afterwards, I said "hold my hand" so she did, and I noticed that she put her other hand over mine. She never did that before. After EMDR I'm usually kind of drained and dizzy so I'm never quite sure what's going on, but I do remember her hand on mine. She said "you did great" but she always says that. I feel weird when I think about the session. I think in a good way, like I'm starting to get in touch with my feelings more. I like that my T will let me tell her things like "the 4 year old wants to jump into your lap and hold on. She wants to go with you. She wants that very badly".

Before I left, she told me again how I am always there for the child part and I can take care of her. I don't like when she tells me that but I know I have to listen because what if something does happen to my T? She says I will be all right but I don't believe her.

She will give me an early appointment on the day we're leaving if I need it. We're not sure which day we're going yet, and a different day when we come back so I can see her before she goes away. So, it may turn out that I only miss 2 weeks, not longer. Maybe. I'm still scared about her going.

[WikidPissah]

So glad you might get in that extra session before you go away.

Sorry this is all so hard for you. I hope you can learn to soothe little rainbow but keep T to soothe her too....this way she gets double the soothing!

[granite1]

i think it is great that you are able to talk so openly to you T about what is going on.even if it is so hard.i know it is going to be hard for you to not see your T for so long.so what is this hobby that you have discovered.maybe it will help in dealing with you T being away

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Before I left, she told me again how I am always there for the child part and I can take care of her. I don't like when she tells me that but I know I have to listen....

Yeah, this one gets me too and makes me sometimes... But if all the good ones are saying it, it must be true, right? And on our good days we know this, too...

[/QUOTE]She will give me an early appointment on the day we're leaving if I need it. We're not sure which day we're going yet, and a different day when we come back so I can see her before she goes away. [/QUOTE]

Yay!!!! This is great, rainbow. She obviously cares deeply for you and you are very important to her.

[/QUOTE]So, it may turn out that I only miss 2 weeks, not longer. Maybe. I'm still scared about her going.[/QUOTE]

Not that I don't do this, too, but the worrying about missing seeing T for a month might have been for naught! Something to tuck away for next time?

[Sannah]

Good work Rainbow! I'm so glad that you told her all of those things about how you really felt.

[rainbow8]

Thanks for all the hugs.
Wiki, that sounds like a good idea. Often T says to picture her AND me holding little rainbow together.

granite, yes it's nice to be able to tell my T how I feel, but what's next? I can't stay at this level forever. I have to progress and not want her to take care of me all of the time. I have to learn to do without her.

eastcoaster, thank you. Yes, it's what Ts must be told to tell us. I just don't know how to let go of my T, but like wiki said, I can have her and me, at least for a while, like training wheels. A long while. It's 2 years with my T already. Yes, I know AND feel that my T cares a lot for me. She's great. I just can't be sure, since we're driving, what our schedule will be. My H doesn't like if I say I want to be home so I can see T. I don't blame him, either.

Sannah, thank you. I'm glad I told her too. It makes me feel awfully close to her, which means I'm vulnerable. I'm scared. But something is different. I don't feel those teenage feelings; I feel more adult, like love, not infatuation, toward her. I know some is transference, but a lot is for her as a person. THAT is the scary part, I think. She's a real person being there with me in my pain. I'm letting her SEE me and I'm terrified.

[rainbow8]

I keep bumping up my own thread. I've emailed my T 3 times about something happening during the session, the EMDR part. I don't know what it was/is. I can guess it's about feeling vulnerable and close to her, but maybe it was about my Mom. It all kind of hurts. I can't tolerate my T seeing me and caring about me--somehow. I'm all mixed up!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It makes me feel awfully close to her, which means I'm vulnerable. I'm scared. She's a real person being there with me in my pain. I'm letting her SEE me and I'm terrified.

Good work Rainbow! Keep working on THIS!

[rockymtngal]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Before I left, she told me again how I am always there for the child part and I can take care of her. .

If anyone has this figured out, can you please share how?

[rainbow8]

Sannah, when I read what I wrote and you quoted I get scared and feel like I can't breathe. My T is there for me and it makes me scared--of losing her and of NOT losing her. It's too overwhelming.

[Sannah]

I'm sorry Rainbow that it is so hard. This does seem like a very important, key issue that if you work on it will give you a lot of relief. Do you need to contact your T? What can you do to soothe yourself?

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Sannah. It's all related to my need to connect deeply with people. I recently connected with some relatives I didn't know I had via email but they are going to disappoint me. People always disappoint me. I want them to continue at that deep level, heart and soul, but they don't. That's what I get from this forum and from my T --the deep connection. But I expect too much from others so they leave, die, or don't want the kind of deep relationship I do. I think this is my problem in a nutshell, right here. I will tell this to my T next week. It hurts me incredibly.

I can tell myself I'm aware of this more than I ever was and I'm going to get better. These parts always have ME who feels deeply with and for them, I guess. Plus, I have PC!

[Sannah]

Maybe you are choosing people who cannot get close? This is what I did because I was afraid of intimacy. I worked on this and now I choose people who are able to be intimate.

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe you are choosing people who cannot get close? This is what I did because I was afraid of intimacy. I worked on this and now I choose people who are able to be intimate.

That's what I was just thinking. My therapist encouraged me to volunteer in the human services field so I could develop friendships with people working in that particular field, because on average they are more likely than people in the technical/scientific field to want closer friendships. They also tend to have a greater understanding of human behavior because they have to deal with many different people who have lots of issues, and they've often had their own issues to work through as well, so it's generally easier to be yourself in that kind of environment. His advice was excellent, because I really did find a place where I can be myself, with my quirky sense of humor and all my weirdness and all my fears, anxieties, and insecurities, and people actually LIKE and accept me!
So maybe it's not that other people don't want the kind of closeness you want, Rainbow. Maybe you've just been choosing the wrong people to try to be close to.

[rainbow8]

Thanks Sannah and Preacher. I'm not sure it's that the people don't want to be close; it's that I want too much. I find that my friends who have been or are in therapy are more willing to discuss things on the level that I seem to want or need. People are busy and so am I. I'm not quite sure what it is I'm looking for in them. It could be just the attention. I can be myself with most people now; I don't pretend to be what I'm not. That's not the problem. I did recently find someone to connect with on that deep level so I don't know why I'm still not satisfied. I have to discuss it with my T and try to figure it out.