[Dreamy01]

Ok I've been pondering a lot since yesterday and realised the main issue with my former T is that while she accepted me in many ways, MOST ways, she didn't accept the part of me that needed her.

She accepted me as a person, she thought I was great, she loved my creativity, my studying and my ambitions. I grew well on her acceptance of these things. She helped me come to terms with a lot.

But there was a part of me who needed her and she didn't accept that. The overriding feeling was that I was strong and capable and she wanted me to go out there and live it.

But I needed her. I wanted that need heard and understood.

I think that is what was missing with her. I understand that therapy is about recognising our strengths and moving on, but if the therapist doesn't ever accept a needy part that wants to stay with her, do we ever move on? It reminds me of my childhood where neediness was not accepted, it was about rejection and being pushed away. I left home and m. didn't care, she was relieved.

I was always aware that former T was defensive about my neediness. She didn't like it. It took us away from the 'purpose' which in her eyes was to move on.

I've never felt it's okay to need anyone but current T has helped me see that perhaps it is natural to do so, but that doesn't mean being dependent on the person or staying with them forever.

Right now staying close feels better than moving away and I need acceptance of that feeling. I know it's a delicate balance. Any sort of feeling I have to move on makes me feel pushed away.

Can anyone relate?

[BonnieJean]

Dreamy01 - I can totally relate. That has been a difficult but necessary part of my therapy. Some of my neediness comes from needs that weren't met in the past. By allowing closeness with T, I'm learning about those needs and healthier ways to take care of myself. I couldn't work with a t that didn't allow that. -BJ

[Dreamy01]

Thank you BonnieJean, glad you can relate!

I guess my overriding fear is that I'm clinging on where I should be letting go. This goes back a long way. I'm trying to understand why I've gained a lot from past ts yet I still want to go back and feel nurtured and understood.

Perhaps I just do. Perehaps I just need that longing to be understood. Perhaps it's just as simple as being true to all of myself not just the strong and capable bits.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I've never felt it's okay to need anyone but current T has helped me see that perhaps it is natural to do so, but that doesn't mean being dependent on the person or staying with them forever.

Right now staying close feels better than moving away and I need acceptance of that feeling. I know it's a delicate balance. Any sort of feeling I have to move on makes me feel pushed away.

Can anyone relate?

YES!!! This is what I wrote in an email to T last night: "I want to keep talking about dependency... I thank you so much for being consistent about our relationship being collaborative. For so long, I feel like I've been told by authority figures/parents that I don't know what's best for me, I can't judge this, my opinion doesn't matter. Thanks to your approach, I'm feeling like I can make important decisions in relationships and what I want is OK (not that I'll get it all the time--still have to work on this one a little more in tough moments...). More important, I'm learning about putting up boundaries that are good for me, and therefore for others. It's tough to do this... particularly when a boundary conflicts with a deep desire. And I know that I still have room to improve on this and I'd like to think about this on my own first and then talk about this. I truly believe that unless I can be the one in a relationship such as ours (i.e., one that is very safe) responsible for putting up healthy boundaries, I will not learn this for other relationships. Of course the boundaries in our relationship won't be totally the same as those for a friend, partner, etc., but I do think that it is nonetheless good practice for working on dependency/independency."

It is indeed a delicate balance with no right/wrong answers... Ts that allow us to work this out are indeed special and it takes someone who doesn't struggle w/ boundary issues him/herself.

My 1st therapist was like that, and it hurt a lot.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

Ok I've been pondering a lot since yesterday and realised the main issue with my former T is that while she accepted me in many ways, MOST ways, she didn't accept the part of me that needed her.

...

But I needed her. I wanted that need heard and understood.

...

Can anyone relate?

My T is exactly the opposite. She says (in effect) that I need to accept my neediness.

[Dreamy01]

But isn't that the same? Acceptance is acceptance, whether in self or someone else.

I've never accepted my neediness.