[mixedup_emotions]

Yesterday, I was really angry at the idea that my T would want me to bring up the whole jealousy issue in group T.....

My initial reaction was F THAT, I WILL NOT BE A HUMAN GUINEA PIG IN YOUR EXPERIMENT!

And, I am still not planning to address it in group T.

BUT, what HAS come into my awareness is that part of the feelings surrounding that come from the lack of safety I feel in group T....especially with the one person that I felt jealous towards....(He and I have had a troubled past in group T - he called me a drama queen, it was awful to go through...and he tends to be manipulative, etc.).....and it reminds me of my sister!

When I was younger and got upset over whatever feelings I had - many times jealousy - my sister would get all pompous and throw it in my face, telling me how much they love her more than me (it was true, they admitted it)...and would insult me, etc.....And my parents would just get explosive physically towards me. It was NEVER ok for me to express feelings of jealousy, sadness or hurt....I would be punished for it in so many ways.

Although I don't see the group members punishing me for it, I DO TOTALLY 100% believe that this one group member would gloat...perhaps he'd put on a BS concerned face and not admit it....but he would be thrilled with the idea that T favors him.....and I am not sure I can handle that. I'd want to rip his throat out, right then and there.

Ahh, the joys of therapy work.....

[unaluna]

Omg! brilliant work, mue! I wonder if T realizes how his "simple rule" of boys R gud, girls R bad, plays into sibling rivalry situations. I bet HE had a sister issue! SHE got affection, was allowed to cry, but T was not? So he is identifying with and comforting the male group member. This is why NON-discrimination by gender is important. I've been reading a book, the last chapter covers T's mistakes, it says mistakes can be re-traumatizing if not acknowledged. It also says the client is more attuned to every nuance of the session than the T ever is - well, duh! Just brills, mue! Your description reminds me of TV Monk's T's OTHER patient, where the two are always fighting for who is T's favorite patient, I love how they work the sibling rivalry into the plot so subtley yet campily. The book is: PRE-OBJECT RELATEDNESS: Early Attachment and the Psychoanalytic Situation by Ivri Kumin. A lot of big words, but short sentences, and a lot of quotes from Winnicott, who my T recommends.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

he called me a drama queen, it was awful to go through...and he tends to be manipulative, etc. and it reminds me of my sister!

Although I don't see the group members punishing me for it, I DO TOTALLY 100% believe that this one group member would gloat

It was unfortunate that you were badly triggered; but his name-calling and actions are his and about him and I think your candid discussion in group might get you points with others in the group who would call him on any gloating and/or you could call him on his changed behavior if he "faked" concern?

We had an attacking woman in group who was just "out there" in her attacks; whoever she attacked (don't remember if it was me or another girl) somehow reminded her of her daughter. The attacks had nothing at all to do with the actual person in the group and their life. Unfortunately our group leaders were younger/newer at leading than we in the group were so they did not do any good interventions.

Good luck!

[Snuffleupagus]

That is great work MUE. I'm so proud of your discovery. (Do I sound like your T?)

Here we have more demonstration of the universal truth that to learn stuff we have to hurt. Doesn't that just suck? But at least it gives pain a purpose, right?

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone.....

I am getting ready to go to group T now.....I have been struggling with my feelings about all this. I really don't want to address it in group. I don't want it to get in the way of being present with what's going on in group. I don't want to be called out for being so silent last week. I don't want to have trouble making eye contact with T.

BLECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

Here I go.....

[WikidPissah]

How did group go MUE??? I want to hear all about it, if you want to talk.

[mixedup_emotions]

Aww, thanks!!

I survived group T. I didn't really talk much during the session, still felt very distant - but not totally detached.

The one group member that I'm struggling with was presenting an issue....and people were trying to help him with it....But I chimed in with something that my T later said was a risk and was valuable.

Another member then mentioned her concern that I wasn't participating in group and on the blog the last couple weeks....and that she was wondering if there was anything the group could do to help....A couple of other people also mentioned that they liked having my voice in the room, that I bring a lot of depth and meaning to my insight.

I was uncomfortable with being put on the spot like that - but it also felt good to know that people want me there....I told them that I was struggling with some things, but that I didn't feel comfortable or safe at the moment in group - but that I appreciated their feedback and am working on it.

I then turned to that one group member and told him that my biggest struggle was with him, feeling conflicted and mistrusting.

Since it was so close to the end of the session, we didn't get anywhere with it...but after the session, this member came up to me, gave me a hug and said that he can relate to my pattern - of shutting down and detaching - and that he knows we have work to do. He said he hopes some day I will be able to trust him.

So complicated.

[Sannah]

It would be really good if you could bring this issue to group. I think that you would learn a lot from it. Good progress in group!

[unaluna]

wow. unexpected stuff? that is one thing I like about strangers as compared to family - they don't know you well enough to be able to predict what (they think) you want them to say, so they say whatever they want.

[WikidPissah]

Wow...that was brave...mentioning your relationship with the other group member. How did it feel to get a hug from him?? What was T's reaction to this?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It would be really good if you could bring this issue to group. I think that you would learn a lot from it. Good progress in group!

I'm sure it would be a great opportunity for the entire group....I'm just not willing at the moment to put myself out there like that. *sigh*

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by hankster

wow. unexpected stuff? that is one thing I like about strangers as compared to family - they don't know you well enough to be able to predict what (they think) you want them to say, so they say whatever they want.

LOL....Oddly enough, there's really no one in my life that has been able to predict what I want them to say...I'm kinda at the place where I either have no idea what I need/want at the time....or I figure out afterwards that it was helpful....or I'm direct with asking for what I need/want. Human beings are so complicated.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Wow...that was brave...mentioning your relationship with the other group member. How did it feel to get a hug from him?? What was T's reaction to this?

Thanks....It felt good to get a hug from a person, in general, to be honest. I haven't been able to process the hug just yet...so I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

T wasn't there to witness the hug. After group, he usually walks out of the room to the reception area to accept payments....This happened in the parking lot as some of us were leaving.

T's one comment to me was that despite feeling distant and uncomfortable, I still took a risk in making a valuable contribution to the group - which apparently he feels is important for me.

I see T tomorrow for my individual session, and I'm not sure how I want to raise this whole issue...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

T wasn't there to witness the hug. After group, he usually walks out of the room to the reception area to accept payments.

In the Good Group, we always started with payments. It was an excellent source of shame and anger, apparently!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

In the Good Group, we always started with payments. It was an excellent source of shame and anger, apparently!

LOL.....

I used to hate making eye contact with T at the end group while handing him my payment. Felt so awkward.

Now, I just pay the receptionist once a week before my individual session, so I bypass the 'end of group payment line'....LOL