[Chopin99]

This post was hard work for me. It took me two solid hours! It is a continuation of Chapter 2.

22. Review the discussion of each type of boundary listed below. Then note some biblical support for each. Refer to a time when people honored that particular boundary of yours and consider what hinders you from keeping each boundary strong.
Skin:
Biblical reference: I Thessalonians 4:4 mentions "Then each of you will control his own body..."
Practical application: Skin is the first boundary we learn as infants. It gives us out sense of self and separateness.
Someone honoring my boundary: People tend to honor my skin boundary because I tend not to reach out to others for affection. I come across as "prickly". I have never been raped or violated in that way.
What hinders me: I might hold this boundary too strongly because I am afraid of getting close to someone and getting hurt.
Words, particularly the word "no":
Biblical reference: Matthew 5:37 says, "Just say a simple 'yes, I will' or 'no, I won't'..." James 5:12 says, "Just say a simple yes or no..." II Corinthians 9:7 states, "And don't give reluctantly or in response to pressure."
Practical application: Words can very effectively set boundaries, particularly the word "no". Words let people know where you stand.
Someone honoring my boundary: Recently, I told my boss that I could not attend a meeting he scheduled at the same time as an appointment I had. He respected my "no" completely.
What hinders me: I am a people pleaser and tend to have a difficult time saying no because I don't want anyone to be upset with me.
Truth:
Biblical reference:Proverbs 8:7 states ("wisdom" talking), "For I speak the truth and detest every kind of deception." Exodus 20:16 says, "You must not testify falsely against your neighbor."
Practical application: There is safety in the truth; especially when you know who you are.
Someone honoring my boundary: ex-GF and H often tell me the truth, even when it hurts. They are committed to telling me the truth.
What hinders me: It was hard to keep this boundary strong when I was younger because most of the time, I didn't know the difference between the truth and a lie.
Geographical distance:
Biblical reference: I Corinthians 5:11 mentions, "I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people."
Practical application: Sometimes to maintain boundaries, you have to physically remove yourself from a person or situation.
Someone honoring my boundary: When I told ex-GF that I needed time away from her while I processed some things, she didn't like it, but agreed to do so because it was in my best interest.
What hinders me: I am afraid to lose people, so generally I am afraid to distance myself from someone close to me, no matter the circumstances.
Time:
Biblical reference: Ecclesiastes 3:5-6 states, "A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away."
Practical application: Sometimes we need time away from others, a project, work, etc. to recharge or possibly even learn a new way to live.
Someone honoring my boundary: The example I gave for distance also applies for time.
What hinders me: My impatience. My fear of losing others.
Emotional distance:
Biblical reference: Luke 3:8 says, "Prove by the way you live that you have repented from your sins and turn to God."
Practical application: Sometimes we need temporary emotional space away from someone who has hurt us. We should forgive that person, but give them time to prove themselves changed.
Someone honoring my boundary: The example I gave for distance and time also applies to this concept. I emotionally broke away from ex-GF during this time period.
What hinders me: My fear of losing others; if I pull away, they may pull away also and I'll be alone.
Other people:
Biblical reference: Joshua 1:9 says, "The Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Matthew 22:39 states, "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Practical application: Other people can help you set and keep boundaries.
Someone honoring my boundary: T is helping me learn how to create and maintain boundaries in my life. H, *friend*, *friend*, and *friend* are also supporting me in the establishment of these boundaries.
What hinders me: I don't have many people in my life that can help me with this.
Consequences:
Biblical reference: II Thessalonians 3:10 states, "Those unwilling to work will not eat." Galatians 6:7 says, "You will always harvest what you plant."
Practical application: Natural consequences are the best teachers of boundaries (in my opinion).
Someone honoring my boundary: After years of trying to get me up to get to work on time, H gave up and allowed me to experience the consequences of being late.
What hinders me: I haven't had to deal with many consequences in my life. Someone has usually "saved" me from the consequences I deserved based on my actions.
23. Which boundaries, when they are set by other people, do you need to do a better job honoring?
Skin (in relation to T), words (especially "no"), time (I am impatient..."have you had enough time yet?"), emotional distance (I think the person has abandoned me), and consequences (don't like negative ones).
24. Why might you have a hard time honoring people's boundaries, especially certain ones?
Skin because I ache for motherly touch, words (especially "no") because alternately in my life I either heard no too much or not enough, time because I am very impatient, emotional distance because my parents and teachers withdrew when I did something wrong and I was taught God turned away from me too, and consequences because I either had too many placed on me or none at all.
25. What will you do to be more respectful of the boundaries of the people in your life?
I will try to think about how the other person feels about my reaction to their boundaries. As I form my own, I will see how others respond to mine and learn from them. I will talk to them about their reasons for their boundaries. I will pray for strength to help me accept their boundaries.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Other people:
Biblical reference: Joshua 1:9 says, "The Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Matthew 22:39 states, "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Practical application: Other people can help you set and keep boundaries.

"Love your neighbor as yourself" seems inconducive to boundary building.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

"Love your neighbor as yourself" seems inconducive to boundary building.

In Christian tradition, this is a major tenet. I believe it can be done within the context of boundaries. You can love someone and not give in to their every whim. You can love someone and not allow them to abuse, misuse, or otherwise control you. People can love you by helping you with your boundaries.

[pbutton]

Thanks for posting these. I am finding this interesting. I'm learning more about my own boundary issues.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

"Love your neighbor as yourself" seems inconducive to boundary building.

why, CE? it means that you should allow yr neighbor all the good things you allow yourself. If you like to take a drink, don't be criticizing yr neighbor for drinking.

Or - as happened last week - if you are annoyed with your neighbor for keeping you waiting a long time, by all means tell your T about it, but not outside T's door, in the hall, after your session time is over, for 15 minutes, while you are keeping the next client (me ) waiting...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

why, CE? it means that you should allow yr neighbor all the good things you allow yourself. If you like to take a drink, don't be criticizing yr neighbor for drinking.

Or - as happened last week - if you are annoyed with your neighbor for keeping you waiting a long time, by all means tell your T about it, but not outside T's door, in the hall, after your session time is over, for 15 minutes, while you are keeping the next client (me ) waiting...

So you read that as "Allow your neighbour the same boundaries as you allow yourself."

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

So you read that as "Allow your neighbour the same boundaries as you allow yourself."

I never thought about it as referring to boundaries, but then until I came to therapy I had never heard that word at all anyway!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

why, CE? it means that you should allow yr neighbor all the good things you allow yourself. If you like to take a drink, don't be criticizing yr neighbor for drinking.

Or - as happened last week - if you are annoyed with your neighbor for keeping you waiting a long time, by all means tell your T about it, but not outside T's door, in the hall, after your session time is over, for 15 minutes, while you are keeping the next client (me ) waiting...

I think these are good examples of loving one's neighbor. It's basically treating other people as you would like to be treated by other people.