[zooropa]

in this case, The Talk is about how I'm not getting what I need in therapy, and what we (or I) can do about that. I'm still trying to formulate exactly what it is I DO need in therapy, and as I typed that just now I realized I actually have that on a list that I made months ago. I just need to find that, edit it to meet my needs now vs my needs then, and bring it with me. I guess that's as good a starting point as any.

I'm just tired of going to therapy and not getting anything out of it, not feeling supported or heard or seen, not making any progress because there are no goals to be progressing towards.

On the other hand, it is a huge and refreshing change to not think about T between session, to not have any desire to contact her, to not care so much about pleasing her or making myself lovable in her eyes.

I sometimes wonder if I won't hold back from any and all future therapists in my life, at least a little, so that I don't become so invested in the relationship. I doubt my ability to go through a traumatic termination again, ever.

[growlycat]

I personally find it hard to read my own list out loud--so hard putting words to needs I don't want to admit having!!

[ECHOES]

I don't know about future therapists, but you are where you are right now and protective holding back is what feels right at this time.

After what you've been through, a time of transition makes sense, and it may need to last as long as it lasts. I do wish you felt supported and heard right now, but maybe that is part of what your protective shield is keeping out at this time because of how it can make us aware of some vulnerability?