Just sick to death today of people using these two things as an excuse for cruelty. It may be true, but it doesn't mean you have to say it out loud, or that it gives you an excuse to be cruel. And too many times people say they are doing or saying something to HELP others when it's just an excuse to stir things up or be mean.

It's not treating other people like infants to attempt to be civil or kind.

My own practice, as much as I can control myself to implement it, is to evaluate first whether something I'm thinking of saying is true. If it isn't, then the analysis should stop there. If it's true, is it kind? If not, is it absolutely NECESSARY for some reason to say it? If not, I should just keep my mouth closed.

In my own therapy, in reference to my current frustration with my T, I have to assume he thinks doing what I don't want him to is NECESSARY. I'm still going to talk to him about finding some other way to achieve the same result.

"I'm just being honest with you"

I hate this phrase. Hate it. It's one of my pet peeves (along with people who say "oh, I'm always late", but then never do anything to change their behavior to BE ON TIME). I think people just use it as an excuse to be a bully. I think of myself as a very honest person, but I use your criteria- is this kind? Is it necessary?- before I say anything.

In t, I think it's a little different. Sometimes we have to accept that our t may have to say something that is hard to hear. But in your particular case- when you have specifically asked for him to stop doing something- than we go back to the null hypothesis- he's being a bully. Or at least acting like one.

[stopdog]

I despise "it's for your own good." I doubt if there is any phrase which has been used to justify damage perpetrated upon others more than that one.

My response to but it's true is usually so how does that help me or what do I do with it? Just because something is true does not mean I know how it is supposed to be useful to me.

[InTherapy]

"I'm just keepin' it real."

Ugh. Also hate that ****.

[SpiritRunner]

There was some saying going around on FB about that a while back, but I couldn't find it - to think about what you were saying; if it was true, if it was helpful, if it was important, if it was necessary, if it was kind, and if there were some part of that wasn't the case, then NOT say it! So....a thing might be true, but if it wouldn't be kind or helpful to someone to say it to them, then it isn't necessary to say, no matter how right or true you feel it is (or you are).
I've had true things said to me that actually caused more damage than if they had been left unsaid (by friends, relatives, Ts) ..... and I have done the same, sadly enough, so I try to watch this unruly tongue of mine more now.

"You're Too Sensitive" is my pet peeve ...

Um, perhaps the people who say this simply aren't sensitive enough?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Just sick to death today of people using these two things as an excuse for cruelty. It may be true, but it doesn't mean you have to say it out loud, or that it gives you an excuse to be cruel. And too many times people say they are doing or saying something to HELP others when it's just an excuse to stir things up or be mean.

I agree.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Just sick to death today of people using these two things as an excuse for cruelty. It may be true, but it doesn't mean you have to say it out loud, or that it gives you an excuse to be cruel. And too many times people say they are doing or saying something to HELP others when it's just an excuse to stir things up or be mean.

It's not treating other people like infants to attempt to be civil or kind.

I'm also not fond of people saying "You're too <whatever>," like emotional or touchy or some other thing. It implies that there's a "right" amount of it and the person who said it is the arbiter of what that amount is.

[WantingtoHeal]

'it's for your own good"

My parents said this all the time. Hated it. Still do.

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by BrokenCloud

"You're Too Sensitive"

My T told me that someone said that to her once. Her response was "what is too sensitive? You're either sensitive or you're not sensitive".

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

My T told me that someone said that to her once. Her response was "what is too sensitive? You're either sensitive or you're not sensitive".

Oh that is an AWESOME response! I used to get that from the FOO all the freakin time! I'm gonna get that tattooed on my butt.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by hankster

Oh that is an AWESOME response! I used to get that from the FOO all the freakin time! I'm gonna get that tattooed on my butt.

and then moon 'em? (sorry, couldn't resist......)

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

and then moon 'em? (sorry, couldn't resist......)

you read my... mind!

[stopdog]

I get annoyed when someone tries to be overly gentle or sensitive with me. I don't know if they think I am going to crumple, if they cannot handle the info themselves, or if I even really understand what is being said. It makes me very uncomfortable to not know what is really being said and sometimes the convoluted language of sensitivity/political correctness confuses me.

[Perna]

I generally don't have respect for people who are into cliché statements either about me or in defense of something idiotic they said and activate my mirrored deflector shields and blind them with my own form of bs.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I get annoyed when someone tries to be overly gentle or sensitive with me. I don't know if they think I am going to crumple, if they cannot handle the info themselves, or if I even really understand what is being said. It makes me very uncomfortable to not know what is really being said and sometimes the convoluted language of sensitivity/political correctness confuses me.

I'm not talking about being Politically Correct, stopdog. I think there are some things that just don't need to be said at all. When the only point is to hurt someone, I think it's no excuse to say, "but it's TRUE" as if that somehow gave you an excuse just to be gratuitously cruel. Wow, that haircut makes your ears look huge! [something my mother said to me.] Or a comment that one of my mother in law's friends made to my son, "Wow, with that height you couldn't possibly really be a [our last name]. All of the [our last name]'s that I've ever seen are really short." Who the **** says things like that to a 17 year old anyway? And ALL of my uncles are over six foot and all of my husband's cousins are over six foot, so it's neither true nor helpful to insinuate I'm a ***** or my son isn't biologically my husband's child.

Or the therapy culture thread. The whole, I'm just trying to help or it's for your own good thing as an excuse to mess with people's heads.

I'm just in a nasty mood, I suppose.

[stopdog]

I agree the truth is no excuse for cruel behavior.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I agree the truth is no excuse for nastiness.

So, I'm the one using the truth now as an excuse for nastiness??? UGH. I suck. That is not what I intended.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

So, I'm the one using the truth now as an excuse for nastiness??? UGH. I suck. That is not what I intended.

No. That is not what I meant. I was trying to get back on track and be supportive.
I will quit now for awhile as I cannot seem to convey support at this time.
I did not mean to use the same word you did - it was an accident.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Oh that is an AWESOME response! I used to get that from the FOO all the freakin time! I'm gonna get that tattooed on my butt.

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

and then moon 'em? (sorry, couldn't resist......)

I have a 6 year old nephew that mooned his kindergarten class at school a few weeks ago. He didn't have anything tattooed on his bum, but he did get sent to the principals office.......... that was probably done for his own good!

I don't mind people giving the sincere non judgemental opinions to me, but when it comes wrapped up in the "But it's true" wrapping paper- It's a gift I'd rather not receive.

[mixedup_emotions]

This seems a little related to what I've been working on in group T over the last few years...We are encouraged to express what we're feeling - even if it is hurtful to someone else. I couldn't grasp this concept AT ALL in the beginning, and I STILL sometimes have trouble with it, even though I do see the value in it.

The cliches...no. But the idea of saying something that might be hurtful - if it's not judgmental and is, say, an expression of how someone feels as a result of something you said/did that elicits feelings of shame, hurt, etc.....can be of importance to relationships.

Difficult concept....But yes, I agree that using cliches that minimize or make excuses for making a judgment or being intentionally hurtful is awful.

[KazzaX]

Yeah I find things like what was said in the OP to be frustrating.

I find that people who say things like what was mentioned ("its for your own good" etc) are the first ones who rage when it doesn't work. Like if someone asks me (using those words) to try X, then I try it and it doesn't work. These are the people who get angriest about it. I'm too busy trying to say "well lets try Y or Z or Q instead" and they are sitting there raging about how X didn't work, and how they just can't understand it and it normally works every time. They get stuck on it. Meanwhile I am adapting and moving on, lol.

Who needs the therapy again? I forget :P