[BonnieJean]

In session today, T said that what I need to do is to get to know my "little girl BJ". She says I need to be able to hug her and give her understanding for what she went through and give her the caring she didn't have. I need to accept her and take care of her and love her.

This is my 15th month in therapy and the first time T has suggested anything like this. I asked her how I would do something like that. She said by doing exactly what I was doing at that moment. As T knew, I'd spend the whole session feeling lost and confused. My feelings and reactions to things had been irrational and I guess childish in a way. I told her how embarrassed I was for her to see me like that - falling to pieces. She said I'd said that before but that these are the times she values and is excited about because I have to experience them in order to grown in new ways.... Then she threw the "get to know & love little BJ" recommendation at me.

Does anyone have any idea or suggestions about this? Have you ever done anything like that? Where do I start?

- Big BJ

[CantExplain]

I'm still working on that one...

[Butterflies Are Free]

I get in touch with my child self by journaling and drawing with my non-dominant hand. I also keep several pictures of me as a child close by.

[unaluna]

I think we all come at it in different ways. I brought in a pair of sock monkeys a few weeks ago, one is T, one is me. My monkey is pink and at least 4 times bigger than T's - so yeah, they're to scale! He had told me he had brought his monkey home and was making room for it on his shelf, but we never talked about pink monkey, even last week when I showed him how to MMS me the picture of the pair.

So today I finally got up the nerve to ask him where pink monkey was, if he had given her to his stepdaughter, or to a little girl client? He said it was still in the office, that he was thinking about taking it home and putting it with his other stuffies. I said, "You don't have to do that." He said, "I know I don't have to, I wouldn't do it if I thought I had to." I remember now that's something we used to talk about a lot, feeling forced to do something, neither of us likes it. Anyway, then I started telling him about granite's compassion thread today, and the way that tied in was, I also remembered when my kitten ran away when I was married, I was at my parents' house crying, and my dad said, very angrily, "That's why I never got attached to anything, you just get hurt!" and I told T, I was so stunned, I couldn't stop and process what he was saying - I knew i would have had to redefine my whole life. (Which I guess is what i'm finally doing now.) So I says to T, you don't have to make a place for me; which is what i've been talking about recently, about there not being a place for me at my parents' house, and not even ever at my own apartments. And tonight, I thought, wondering if T gave the pink monkey to the other girls meant, there must have been little girls my parents liked more than me, because they sure weren't showing ME the love, so it must have been going someplace else? Snuff said she wanted to see the movie about the life this other girl lived that my mother had in her mind.

That idea of a little hankster always sounded kinda phony to me? some ideal happy little shirley temple, wtf. but this is my story, and it's real. so this ghost hankster I can relate to, that my parents saw instead of seeing me, and there was no room for ME.

I do not in any way, shape or form deal with a "child" me. The very thought of myself as a child repulses and disgusts me. It's a horrifying thought.

[tohelpafriend]

I'm learning to love my inner child when I get rid of the punitive parent and/or the adult. I felt my inner child when I felt delight at seeing two kites flying at the beach today and got all excited about it. Like something within was set free. I'm learning the child is still intact, though a bit wounded, the child was in me as a mother (my core personality.) I love the child in me when I recognize and recall good moments of childhood, although in some ways the child grows, but still remains the child within. ?? So I can nurture my inner child as I did my own children, really.
I know it's always supposed to be good to love the child in you, even if something got hurt or lost, because this was the essential time of
innocence.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think we all come at it in different ways

So I says to T, you don't have to make a place for me; which is what i've been talking about recently, about there not being a place for me at my parents' house, and not even ever at my own apartments. And tonight, I thought, wondering if T gave the pink monkey to the other girls meant, there must have been little girls my parents liked more than me, because they sure weren't showing ME the love, so it must have been going someplace else? Snuff said she wanted to see the movie about the life this other girl lived that my mother had in her mind.

That idea of a little hankster always sounded kinda phony to me? some ideal happy little shirley temple, wtf. but this is my story, and it's real. so this ghost hankster I can relate to, that my parents saw instead of seeing me, and there was no room for ME.

That's a pretty powerful connection between what your experiencing in the present and what ghost Hankster must have experienced. I'm sad that there was no room for YOU. There should have been. You deserved for there to have been. It sounds like, then, you're getting in touch with what it must have felt like even if some of that feeling as a child might have been in your unconscious? Do you spend any time thinking about ghost Hankster?

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by tohelpafriend

I'm learning to love my inner child when I get rid of the punitive parent and/or the adult. I felt my inner child when I felt delight at seeing two kites flying at the beach today and got all excited about it. Like something within was set free. I'm learning the child is still intact, though a bit wounded, the child was in me as a mother (my core personality.) I love the child in me when I recognize and recall good moments of childhood, although in some ways the child grows, but still remains the child within. ?? So I can nurture my inner child as I did my own children, really.
I know it's always supposed to be good to love the child in you, even if something got hurt or lost, because this was the essential time of
innocence.

Yes, it seems in some ways the child grows, but still remains the child within: It felt like an odd concept to refer to the child me in the third person because the person experiencing childhood was me. That sounds like a freeing experience you had today seeing the two kites at the beach! I think it is going to be important for me to remember and appreciate moments of joy or wonder that I can still experience today. I think also that T was getting at trying to identify and empathize, if you will, with the hurts and stresses and adaptation child me went through. Then I guess to provide what was missing back then from my adult vantage point? IDK. It is still a mystery to me. I appreciate your response, tohelpafriend.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I do not in any way, shape or form deal with a "child" me. The very thought of myself as a child repulses and disgusts me. It's a horrifying thought.

roseleigh, thanks for responding even though it sounds like a real tough subject for you.

[Sanada]

Hey, I am 41 year old 'boy'..lol.stuck @ 25 ish..lol

This one is still hard for me... My T has modeled a lot how to talk to the scared, young child: not to yell at her, try to understand her needs with compassion and why she might feel the way that she does, remind her that she is loved and just fine how she is, and that I will not abandon her. I do have a pretty good sense of when the child part is more prevalent/shows up (I think discovering this took a while for me). Either she is really silent and holds me back from talking or she lashes out and if I'm cognizant enough, I'll cringe as I hear her words. So, when I feel her there, I try to be patient and compassionate with her, just as my T has shown me. My T also had me bring in some pictures from my childhood. She told me to use these images and close my eyes and imagine the adult me hugging the little kid.

Learning about why the child can be prevalent, how she's been hurt, and why she acts as she does is a big part of my therapy. We're using Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and going through the book Self-Therapy by Jay Earley to learn about all the different parts of me.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

This one is still hard for me... My T has modeled a lot how to talk to the scared, young child: not to yell at her, try to understand her needs with compassion and why she might feel the way that she does, remind her that she is loved and just fine how she is, and that I will not abandon her. I do have a pretty good sense of when the child part is more prevalent/shows up (I think discovering this took a while for me). Either she is really silent and holds me back from talking or she lashes out and if I'm cognizant enough, I'll cringe as I hear her words. So, when I feel her there, I try to be patient and compassionate with her, just as my T has shown me. My T also had me bring in some pictures from my childhood. She told me to use these images and close my eyes and imagine the adult me hugging the little kid.

Learning about why the child can be prevalent, how she's been hurt, and why she acts as she does is a big part of my therapy. We're using Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and going through the book Self-Therapy by Jay Earley to learn about all the different parts of me.

Thanks for sharing this Eastcoast. You sound like you're pretty in touch with it. I'll have to concentrate on what t models, hopefully she'll help me more with it like your t did. I'll check out the Self-Therapy book.

[mommyof2girls]

I personally am learning how to love the child me....It is a very difficult and intense subject for me to handle but I do have a very good t and she is able to help and guide me ....

[lostmyway21]

I'm still learning how to love the child me. I only notice the child part of me surfacing on my walks with T. I feel really young, maybe about six. I feel safe, but after the session I am totally lost, concussed and embararssed that I regress that far back on our walks. Sooo I've still got a lot to learn in terms of understanding my inner child before I can love her.

[Sannah]

Hi BJ, I think that first a person needs to deal with not liking that inner child. That stuff is in the way of you being able to be compassionate towards her. Deal with the negative stuff first and get it out of the way. (Talk about it in therapy, journal, write her, write here, etc.)

[tohelpafriend]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

Yes, it seems in some ways the child grows, but still remains the child within: It felt like an odd concept to refer to the child me in the third person because the person experiencing childhood was me. That sounds like a freeing experience you had today seeing the two kites at the beach! I think it is going to be important for me to remember and appreciate moments of joy or wonder that I can still experience today. I think also that T was getting at trying to identify and empathize, if you will, with the hurts and stresses and adaptation child me went through. Then I guess to provide what was missing back then from my adult vantage point? IDK. It is still a mystery to me. I appreciate your response, tohelpafriend.

BJ,

I know what you mean, but a psychologist might understand better the third person, but I do remember me as a child that way, and I was like her "observer", (from now's vantage point, remembering how she 'felt' in certain situations; the observer me recalls the scene, the people, but no really strong emotions; just how it all looked and then the observer recorded it in the subconscious for the adult to process.) I can't imagine how many adults have survived childhood traumas; mine was relatively free of that, except my mother's coldness.

I guess the mind has to do that to integrate past and present. I hope you do feel the moments of wonder and joy! It makes sense what you wrote about identifying and adapting. It is a mystery I agree. In my T childhood has not been the main focus, although what I do remember most about my child is always knowing when something was amiss, someone was sick or needed a job, or a family member had died. It seems for many who've suffered traumas in childhood, the integration process is critical if the child's experiences were compartmentalized for protection. (DID) IDK either! Thanks for your feedback, too; every little bit helps. A great day to you with moments of wonder and joy, "to help...."

[Coraline]

Aaaagh, I hate this question. No offence to you, BonnieJean, I just don't understand this general fixation on a child part/inner child.

It doesn't make sense to me, if we have a child part then why is it one child - don't we have to have a 3 year old, 4 year old, 5 year old etc?

This is my personal view and I know that probably the rest of the world disagrees, but I don't think "child part" is a helpful concept, in the sense of thinking there's a part of you that might benefit from being treated/taken care of like a young child. If there's a child aspect to us, I think it's to do with qualities that are strong during childhood - like curiosity, sense of adventure, learning, potential for change - and the flip side of vulnerability etc. For me personally that has nothing to do with treating part of myself as a six year old.

I have to say - take it or leave it and I expect everyone will leave it lol - that I think this is one of those big misapprehensions that everyone invests in for a few years/decades. Like when psychoanalysis centred around ideas of repressed sexuality and the oedipus complex.

Or maybe it's more that we're each very influenced by a particular stage of development, and for a lot of people that stage of development is - understandably - in their childhood. For me, it's age 20 that has been hugely problematic and that I've had to work on in therapy. Childhood was bad, too, and there's a lot to be healed from that but I don't believe part of me is a child now more than part of me is every age I've been and all the experiences I've had.

[granite1]

in T, i draw, sit on the floor ,read kids stories,play games,hold stuffed animals.

[tohelpafriend]

Originally Posted by Coraline

Aaaagh, I hate this question. No offence to you, BonnieJean, I just don't understand this general fixation on a child part/inner child.

It doesn't make sense to me, if we have a child part then why is it one child - don't we have to have a 3 year old, 4 year old, 5 year old etc?

This is my personal view and I know that probably the rest of the world disagrees, but I don't think "child part" is a helpful concept, in the sense of thinking there's a part of you that might benefit from being treated/taken care of like a young child. If there's a child aspect to us, I think it's to do with qualities that are strong during childhood - like curiosity, sense of adventure, learning, potential for change - and the flip side of vulnerability etc. For me personally that has nothing to do with treating part of myself as a six year old.

I have to say - take it or leave it and I expect everyone will leave it lol - that I think this is one of those big misapprehensions that everyone invests in for a few years/decades. Like when psychoanalysis centred around ideas of repressed sexuality and the oedipus complex.

Or maybe it's more that we're each very influenced by a particular stage of development, and for a lot of people that stage of development is - understandably - in their childhood. For me, it's age 20 that has been hugely problematic and that I've had to work on in therapy. Childhood was bad, too, and there's a lot to be healed from that but I don't believe part of me is a child now more than part of me is every age I've been and all the experiences I've had.

the "child" is part of personality development and apparently is quite significant in adult relationships, i.e., some lead strongly with the child (dependent), adult, or punitive parent. It helps greatly they say in marriages where two strong "children" confront, or two strong "parents", and a balance has to be struck. But I'm no expert on psychological theory.

Coraline, I wouldn't say that I have one child part - there are many who have different issues. I'm trying to work through each of these. These parts show up in me now as an adult and they are the ones that hurt me and my relationships with others. Dealing with them, learning about them, and trying to modify their behavior has made a huge difference in my present life.

[tohelpafriend]

How do we identify where we got emotionally stuck? I'm going to pursue study
with this child thing.

[Perna]

BonnieJean, I look for ways my childhood thoughts, feelings, memories intersect my adult ones, example, if I am feeling "lost", and I have started teaching/taught my adult self to join in as the one who can help (rather than the adult running around looking for a child self to comfort :-) Maybe try the "opposite"; when you feel something distressing, assume it is from a younger you and summon your "now", adult self and her adult knowledge and experiences to help.

I was making biscuits from scratch for dinner one evening and got the biscuit mix all over my hands (sticky, yucky :-) and suddenly "wanted my mother" and almost simultaneously remembered my stepmother was being operated on that day (and my mother had been dead 50 years) The distress was something fierce but the 54 year old me was able to center and bring it all under control, comfort the me who wanted her mother because of the messy/yucky hands (cleaned my hands immediately so they weren't messy/yucky anymore!) and thought, as an adult, about my stepmother and what was going on with her (shifting my emphasis from wanting what was unavailable to thinking about an actual person (not a "thing" a want) right now) and how, if my mother had been alive she and I would have been friends like my stepmother and I had begun to be, as adults, etc. Dealing with the whole of me, the whole situation made me very proud, all by itself! I could contain my self, myself, did not need T's help this time, I was definitely getting close to the end of therapy :-)

[tohelpafriend]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

roseleigh, thanks for responding even though it sounds like a real tough subject for you.

This might help anyone interested. 'not sure if it is OK to use websites?

http://www.relationships-explained.c...ate-model.html

Peace,
"tohelpafriend"

Also, I love my child ego state almost like she was a guide.....carefree, quick silver and ethereal, yet strong and elusive.

By doing my best to give her all those things she should have gotten as a child but didn't ... I haven't quite mastered it yet, but I'm learning ...

Lots of TLC ... Being extra Patient, Gentle & Kind ... Treating her with Dignity & Respect ...

She responds right nicely to all this ...

[doogie]

Do we have the same therapist? I had the exact same discussion this week. No idea how to do it, thought.