[rainboots87]

I have a lot of issues with my mom that still impact how I deal with problems and interact with others in my mid-twenties. She tries to run my life and keep me tethered to her. I prefer to be independent and travel/live in different places, and explore who I am in the world. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my family, but I don't see what I should live in my hometown forever (and I haven't spent more than a few months there in 7 years anyway. I'm in another state for grad school and work, and will be going to a different grad school in another state this fall. I'm very excited about the change and the opportunities that await.

I went to visit the new school recently, and my parents decided they wanted to go too. I was perfectly fine going by myself, got my plane ticket, was arranging a place to stay, but they wanted to come. If you want my honest opinion, it would have been nice with just my dad, but I didn't want my mom there. I just didn't have the heart to say it.

As happened the first time I moved to a new state, my mom yet again started telling me I should live back home and that I have too much debt (it's not that bad) and this and that...and they can't support me, etc. But I never ask for their help financially. I don't want her help or advice on how to live my life. The woman tried to brush my freakin hair, not one, but on two separate occasions last week. I can fix my own hair, I can decide when I should go to bed, and I can do it all without her, despite what she thinks. Sometimes, I feel like she thinks I'm some naive little girl, but I'm an adult. I support myself completely. She was telling me I can't get a dog when I move, it'll be expensive, too much trouble, blah blah blah. I don't care what she thinks. I will consider the situation myself and decide if it's a good idea or not once I'm there.

In therapy today, my T challenged me to accept her (mom's) advice. Not to necessarily change what I plan to do, but to help prevent escalating the situation/discussion/argument that usually occurs with my mother. I also admitted that I don't always say "I love you" back to her, and T thinks I should always say it, because my mom will die someday and I may regret not saying it. But the reason I don't always say it is because I'm not sure I do. I don't wish anything bad on my mom, but I honestly don't know if I love her. T suggested considering my mom's advice to help improve my relationship with my mom by showing I respect her opinion, but I'm not sure that's my goal. I really just want my mother to leave me alone and let me live my own life. I want to avoid conflict for sure, but I don't think it's possible that we'll ever have a good relationship or that I even desire one at this point. I just want to get through it. I can't cut her out of my life, because then I wouldn't be able to talk to the rest of my family (dad, aunts, cousins, niece & nephews, etc.) either. I just don't know what to do.

Also, T's advice and the whole conversation left me really upset this evening, and I'm a mess. I texted T (though she probably won't see it till tomorrow) that I didn't want to talk about my mom anymore, that I was hurting, that I wanted to quit all my therapy (indiv. & group). This is just too much for me.

[unaluna]

Sounds like T has a horse in this race! Whose side is she on, anyway? Whose life is she trying to make easier? Who is she identifying with??? She's not even being an impartial listener! My mother pulled that "you have to do what I say because someday i'm gonna die and then you'll be sorry" crap on me MY WHOLE FREAKIN LIFE!!! i'm 60 now and she's still here - she ain't dead. she was LYING. This was actually the subject on dr phil today in the US, only about sons. I am actually quite shocked your T gave this kind of advice.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by hankster

Sounds like T has a horse in this race! Whose side is she on, anyway? Whose life is she trying to make easier? Who is she identifying with??? She's not even being an impartial listener! My mother pulled that "you have to do what I say because someday i'm gonna die and then you'll be sorry" crap on me MY WHOLE FREAKIN LIFE!!! i'm 60 now and she's still here - she ain't dead. she was LYING. This was actually the subject on dr phil today in the US, only about sons. I am actually quite shocked your T gave this kind of advice.

Well, I think part of that stemmed from the fact that I just found out a good friend from years ago passed away last week at the age of 25 and I had regrets about not seeing her a few months ago when I had the chance. And my T also offered her own experience of butting heads with her mother and how she tries to manage it. T did say at the end something about that her advice was assuming I wanted to improve the rship w/ my mom, and if not then there would be other things to do like setting boundaries with my mom. I probably need to talk abt it more with T, but it brings up so much emotion. I feel like some kind of monster for not wanting to try and have a super close rship w/ my mom.

[CantExplain]

Some might say that it is T's job to save your good relationships and terminate your bad ones.

What do you say to that?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by rainboots87

In therapy today, my T challenged me to accept her advice. Not to necessarily change what I plan to do, but to help prevent escalating the situation/discussion/argument that usually occurs with my mother. I also admitted that I don't always say "I love you" back to her, and T thinks I should always say it, because my mom will die someday and I may regret not saying it. But the reason I don't always say it is because I'm not sure I do. I don't wish anything bad on my mom, but I honestly don't know if I love her. T suggested considering her advice to help improve my relationship with my mom, but I'm not sure that's my goal. I really just want my mother to leave me alone and let me live my own life. I want to avoid conflict for sure, but I don't think it's possible that we'll ever have a good relationship or that I even desire one at this point. I just want to get through it. I can't cut her out of my life, because then I wouldn't be able to talk to the rest of my family (dad, aunts, cousins, niece & nephews, etc.) either. I just don't know what to do.

Your relationship with your Mom sounds a lot like my relationship with mine. I would actually like to have a better relationship with my Mom and my therapist and I have talked about it some. My problem is that my Mom doesn't realize there is anything wrong with the relationship, and I don't know if she ever will. Here's the thing, though...I've always done the things your T is suggesting...always tell my Mom I love her, even when I'm not sure I feel that way right then, accept her advice and don't argue, even if I just go do my own thing as soon as I'm away from her. Ya know what...as my T keeps telling me, it doesn't work!

As my T is fond of pointing out to me, I can't change the relationship if I don't set boundaries and enforce them. I can't change the relationship if I keep pretending that everything is fine. My T has suggested that instead of just going along, or challenging what my Mom is saying (two extremes), that I try questioning the thought process. If my Mom were to say that they couldn't help support me, I might try asking why she felt that they would need to support me, rather than agreeing with her or arguing. Basically, what my T has challenged me to do is push my Mom's issues back on her in a questioning/curious way. I'm not very good at this questioning the process thing rather than defending myself or agreeing with Mom, but it's a work in progress. My T has been helpful, and I'm slowly learning how to interact differently with my Mom. It takes a lot of courage to change the relationship, and sometimes I'm just not sure I can do it.

Anyway...maybe my experience will give you some thoughts on how to deal with your relationship with your own Mom.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Some might say that it is T's job to save your good relationships and terminate your bad ones.

What do you say to that?

That sounds like decent advice, though I don't really like good/bad terminology. And while my mom annoys the crap out of me, is generally unsupportive, and hurts my feelings, she's not abusive or anything. I just want to deal with her as needed when interacting with my other family members.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Your relationship with your Mom sounds a lot like my relationship with mine. I would actually like to have a better relationship with my Mom and my therapist and I have talked about it some. My problem is that my Mom doesn't realize there is anything wrong with the relationship, and I don't know if she ever will. Here's the thing, though...I've always done the things your T is suggesting...always tell my Mom I love her, even when I'm not sure I feel that way right then, accept her advice and don't argue, even if I just go do my own thing as soon as I'm away from her. Ya know what...as my T keeps telling me, it doesn't work!

As my T is fond of pointing out to me, I can't change the relationship if I don't set boundaries and enforce them. I can't change the relationship if I keep pretending that everything is fine. My T has suggested that instead of just going along, or challenging what my Mom is saying (two extremes), that I try questioning the thought process. If my Mom were to say that they couldn't help support me, I might try asking why she felt that they would need to support me, rather than agreeing with her or arguing. Basically, what my T has challenged me to do is push my Mom's issues back on her in a questioning/curious way. I'm not very good at this questioning the process thing rather than defending myself or agreeing with Mom, but it's a work in progress. My T has been helpful, and I'm slowly learning how to interact differently with my Mom. It takes a lot of courage to change the relationship, and sometimes I'm just not sure I can do it.

Anyway...maybe my experience will give you some thoughts on how to deal with your relationship with your own Mom.

Thanks so much for your reply and sharing your own experience. I'm not quite sure what I want in the relationship, but you've given me a lot to think about.

[elliemay]

my mother steals my tranquilizers and threatens to kill herself/just outright die if I don't come live with her (the two are unrelated events).

She also calls me at work all the time (how she got my cell # I'll never know) and tells me that "she just can't go on, I have to come home right then". I live 4 hours away.

When I tell her that she is welcome to come visit she says it is just too hard to come see me and that if I really loved her I would move back home like a good daughter.

When I got my PhD she told me that "great now no man will really never want you". Her first response to me getting a great job was "How could you do that to me".

When I do go back to see her on holidays and the like she pushes and pushes until she finds the right leverage to hurt me - just like a caged predator scanning to find the weak part in a fence.

The really odd thing is that she is *a lot* better than she used to be. Miles and miles of improvement.

I was unable grow a thicker skin when it came to her - achilles heel type thing. I am working on teflon armor.

She's your mother. She's unlikely to change. I can almost 100% assure you that there will be no 180 degree turn on her part and she will finally become the mother you deserve. I suspect that she will remain self-centered and see you only as a thing in relation to her.

We got the short end of the stick when it came to mothers. All we can do is work on how their behaviour affects us, and keep moving in the direction we want to go.

How they react to that is their business and their problem. Not ours.

[sarahplainandshort]

I agree with some of the other replies--it sounds like T has a little bit of a personal agenda here.

It's hard for me to be neutral about this, too, since I just had to break all contact with my family of origin, largely due to my relationship with my mother. This was a last resort, though, and I'm certainly not recommending it as a cure-all.

So I will just say, don't be afraid to set boundaries: you are an adult, and your finances, living situation, educational choices, and hair (!) are your responsibilities. It is not your mother's place to try to control your life. Your mother will either learn to respect those boundaries, or she may escalate her boundary-pushing behavior, which could mean that you have to set even more rigid boundaries.

There is a long history of multipe types of abuse in my family. I do not love my mother, and I think it's mostly due to the emotional abuse and neglect, including her inability to see me as a separate person who deserves love and respect--in her mind, she and I cannot exist as two separate people. It's very hard for me to say that, because most people are horrified by the idea, but being honest enough to admit that to myself actually lifted a great burden from my shoulders. Telling my mom that I loved her made me hate myself in a way, because honesty is very important to me.

I don't think it's your T's place to try to run your life either, and it sounds a wee bit like that's what he's doing here. Please don't be afraid to tell him that you need authenticity in your relationships and you need to space from your mom--and if he doesn't handle that well, then that would be a huge red flag for me.

And I apologize if I've read too much of my own situation into yours

[stopdog]

Perhaps the therapist is trying to get you to recognize and try different ways of responding to your mother because it will help you and how you feel when you interact with her. The benefit would be to you, not your mother.

[likelife]

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with all of this. It seems that your T is replicating your mom's pattern of giving "advice" (though I would guess that it comes from a place of wanting to help you). Hopefully she doesn't become another person whom you feel you have to please and/or get embroiled in conflict with. I'm glad you were able to tell your T how you felt about talking about your mom.

[rainboots87]

Thanks for everyone's input My T called me this morning to check on me (since I sent her emotional texts after yesterday's session). She explained that it's not about fixing the relationship, but how I can feel better and handle my daily life now. Basically how to change things to make myself feel better, as stopdog said. Emotions about the relationship still overwhelm me, but I'm not ready to address them just yet. My T acknowledged how hard it is for me and just wants to help me figure out what I can do on my side, since I can't change my mother (as much as I'd like to sometimes). This is certainly a work in progress.

[stopdog]

I am glad she talked to you and explained.