[WePow]

Last night I had a flashback happen but a small one.
It was about something that a co-worker who was a former cop and the best friend of my boss at the time.
I had totally blocked it out of my mind. I mean TOTALLY.
No clue WHY last night it decided that I was safe enough for it to come out. I wrote my T and let him know and I am doing grounding today.
But keep having stuff come back to me in sliver memories that are hot inside my brain like shock bolts. And for the past couple of hours I have been feeling anger. Rage actually. But it is not solid at all. It is like waves of nothing and then red hot spark of rage.

I have always had a bit of anger at work but thought most of it was PTSD stuff or whatever. But it is like now I know something even more direct. That guy and the old boss have not worked there in years. So I don't know why I have the style of rage I do right now. It is like I need to hit someone hard in the face but no idea who. Maybe him. But I couldn't report him. My T would ask me for a darn feeling statement. urrr. Helpless? I was POWERLESS to report him to anyone because of who he was to the boss and I was new. It was a dream job for me. I let him do what he wanted one time (but I don't know what IT was!! My mind will not let me see what happened!!!!) but I know it was only once. And I know I blocked it out. I know I feel like a total looser !! I feel sold out. I feel like I sold myself out and I can't undo it. I can't go back. And I feel like I was an adult at the time and SHOULD have been smarter and able to not do what I did !!!!!!!!

The last time I saw my T he said how happy I was. That is how he sees me. I fight to stay happy. I try hard to look happy to the world because I don't want others to worry about me. But it made me think he has no clue as to how miserable I am every single day at work. I think this might be a small part of why. But how can he even help me if he thinks these things don't impact me?

[SpiritRunner]

I understand about the looking happy and people thinking I am happy .... people want you to BE happy so sometimes that is what they see. Perhaps your T is wanting so much that you be happy that it is looking real to him and he isn't seeing how hard you fight for it right now? Or maybe it's possible that a large part of you is happy in some sense despite the struggle with things at work .... my life is far from perfect right now, and I have some intense struggles with sudden moments of anger/rage you speak of and it makes me feel disgusted to still have such struggles, and yet I survive those moments with nothing drastic happening, and on the other side of them I realize I have much in my life I really am happy with, I really am mostly secure/authentically myself, I am loved/I love ..... so happiness isn't a steady state exactly, and it doesn't mean the absence of struggles or even pain, it can still be there. So maybe you DO have some happiness .... just me thinking out loud here ...
As for what happened, WePow, have some compassion on yourself for it, for yourself then and for yourself now ..... you don't need to blame yourself for someone else taking advantage of you, or a vulnerable part of you they found to exploit. That doesn't mean you sold out, or that you failed or that you were all weak ..... none of that is true, then or now ....

[Sannah]

He can help you when you let him know what is really going on.

[Emptty]

Therapists aren't mind readers, they only know what you tell them.

Everyone if affected by things differently so T can't help unless you tell him what is wrong and ask for help in that area.

Flashbacks are a real damper on any good day, keep your head up.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

Last night I had a flashback happen but a small one.
It was about something that a co-worker who was a former cop and the best friend of my boss at the time.
I had totally blocked it out of my mind. I mean TOTALLY.
No clue WHY last night it decided that I was safe enough for it to come out. I wrote my T and let him know and I am doing grounding today.
But keep having stuff come back to me in sliver memories that are hot inside my brain like shock bolts. And for the past couple of hours I have been feeling anger. Rage actually. But it is not solid at all. It is like waves of nothing and then red hot spark of rage.

I have always had a bit of anger at work but thought most of it was PTSD stuff or whatever. But it is like now I know something even more direct. That guy and the old boss have not worked there in years. So I don't know why I have the style of rage I do right now. It is like I need to hit someone hard in the face but no idea who. Maybe him. But I couldn't report him. My T would ask me for a darn feeling statement. urrr. Helpless? I was POWERLESS to report him to anyone because of who he was to the boss and I was new. It was a dream job for me. I let him do what he wanted one time (but I don't know what IT was!! My mind will not let me see what happened!!!!) but I know it was only once. And I know I blocked it out. I know I feel like a total looser !! I feel sold out. I feel like I sold myself out and I can't undo it. I can't go back. And I feel like I was an adult at the time and SHOULD have been smarter and able to not do what I did !!!!!!!!

The last time I saw my T he said how happy I was. That is how he sees me. I fight to stay happy. I try hard to look happy to the world because I don't want others to worry about me. But it made me think he has no clue as to how miserable I am every single day at work. I think this might be a small part of why. But how can he even help me if he thinks these things don't impact me?

((WePow))

These are obviously very painful feelings.

But look how clearly you are thinking!

[Wren_]

you did the best you could do at the time just like you are doing now ... maybe you are having more happy moments at times and your T sees that; but I hope you can also share with him that there is much more going on than that and that with him, he is the one person you don't "have" to be happy with. It's hard though I know

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by WePow

The last time I saw my T he said how happy I was. That is how he sees me. I fight to stay happy. I try hard to look happy to the world because I don't want others to worry about me. But it made me think he has no clue as to how miserable I am every single day at work. I think this might be a small part of why. But how can he even help me if he thinks these things don't impact me?

It is okay not to be happy with this stuff happening. I image T will understand if you tell him. I had a similar situation where things were going good, I was happy but something over the weekend had set off feelings that weren't so happy and I thought T was disappointed in me for not being happy. She says she was just suprised as she expected me to be different but not disappointed in me. She said feelings change then she was able to listen and hep me would in the unhappy place where I was. I was glad I admitted to her that I wasn't happy....even though it was hard.

Wepow Please tell T what the flashbacks are. Even if they're just slivers , they're important. Please don't blame yourself. What would you say to any one of us who was blaming them selves for abuse happening? The only way T can know and help is if you tell him.

[karebear1]

People here are so smart aren't they WePow? I have to say I agree with everyone. I doubt that just because T sees you as being happy that he thinks you're happy and ok 100% of the time.

Please let T know. You 've always seemed to have good confindence in him, and I know you've kinda been questioning him lately, but I think it could help you anyway. T cares about you WePow and so do we! Please always remember that!

[WePow]

I told my T about the flashbacks. He told me to do grounding. So I did that.
Thank you all for your help and support.

[karebear1]

Was that enough for you WePow or did you want more of a reaction from him?