[northgirl]

I'm sorry to post something that seems like a lot of thinking out loud, but am just so confused and upset right now. I'm gearing up for the end of semester, which means end of therapy sessions as I won't be on campus over summer. T has been preparing me, we're going through termination, trying to reflect on my experiences and how I will survive the long 4 months. Yesterday's session I didn't bring up what I was feeling. In a way I just want to pacify termination process and not introduce new crap that I won't be able to work through. T wanted a lot of imput from me about therapy, which makes me very uncomfortable. wanted my sense of how successful it's been, my disappointments, fears, etc. Then he asked how I felt he had been a part of those factors, which I said he hadn't. Said everything that i was discouraged about was my fault, which is true. I guess I didn't know how hard this would be. Looking at a period of time where I won't have the ability to try to spill my guts and know I have a safe place. Everything I'm relying on right now to get me through is going to be gone. My friends are going home, leaving me here alone. He wants me to admit how hard that will be for me. But I can't. Everytime I think about it privately, I fall apart. Feel like someone is ripping my heart out. Can't function, overcome by paralyzing fear of how I"ll cope. But In therapy, I have this defense mechanism where I can just put up a wall and say it will be OK, I will be OK. What a liar I am. If only I can be truthful with myself.

[WikidPissah]

all I can recommend is to try and be honest with him. Maybe he can set you up with someone to talk with over the summer...a way to vent. Please tell him how hard it is, he can't help if you don't tell him.

[CantExplain]

((NorthGirl))