[rainbow8]

I'm probably going to make up for not being around much the last two weeks. How can I stop being so jealous of my T for going on her trip to Europe? I'm always jealous of people going on vacations I wish I could go on, even though I've been to Europe and Hawaii too. We were supposed to go somewhere this spring or summer but I don't think it's happening. I don't count visiting my daughter as a "real vacation" though we went to some fun places. She doesn't live in a particularly scenic part of the country.

Besides feeling anxious about my T's trip, I'm incredibly jealous. Any suggestions what I can do about these feelings? I just want her trip to be over with already but she hasn't even gone.

[Wren_]

((((((Rainbow))))))))) that's a lot going on between your own recent trip; your T being away and then thinking about your own future vacations and being jealous and trying to deal with it as far as what to do with them, maybe keep doing what you are? talking about them, with her and with us; write about them if you can ... see what looking at the feelings teaches you and if it can be used to help you I'm sorry this is so hard

[rainbow8]

Thank you, tigergirl. It IS a lot going on for me and I appreciate your validation. Something in RL just came up for me too. Awful timing.

[unaluna]

maybe i'm not in touch with my own jealousy and bitterness - huh! ya think? - but I can't believe you admit to having these feelings - I guess that's a good thing. was your visit to your daughter that terrible? worse than my being sick in bed (alone) for a week? I recognize that it's my choices or mistakes in life that have brought me to this point, but that helps alleviate any envy or regret. Is that it? Do you feel things have been beyond your control for too long?

[rainbow8]

hankster, I'm sorry you were sick in bed alone for a week. No, my visit to my daughter wasn't horrible, just stressful and tiring. I love my kids and grandkids.

I tell my T everything, so why wouldn't I tell her I'm jealous of her going on vacations to places I wish I could go to? Jealousy and envy have always been issues for me. I never learned to be satisfied with what I have though I "should" be. Yes, I'm very grateful for what I have, and many people have never traveled at all, whereas I have, in the past.

Interesting question about things being beyond my control. I do feel like that, but I feel it's my fault for not traveling more. I love seeing new places, and loved the trips I went on but I always worry about airplane crashes. I COULD have gone on some more trips with my H when he went all over the world for business, but I was afraid. So I blame MYSELF. My H saw the world but I didn't. Now we don't have the money or mileage to travel to exotic countries. So, I'm angry with myself. I should have done something about my fear of flying. Somehow I put it aside to go on the trips I did go on, but I felt I was pushing my luck to travel more.

I am worried about my T and family flying though I know driving is more dangerous. So I am worried and jealous both.

[unaluna]

that's interesting - I think the jealousy comes AFTER the fear of flying, which maybe comes back to control - of your death, your T's, your mother's, or just of control issues in general? idk. i 'm saying now, I don't hear you being ungrateful or envious even though you are SAYING you are jealous of these trips - it just sounds like a little part stamping her foot and yelling, no! don't go! not without me! maybe when brother left for school and you had to stay home?

[seventyeight]

maybe when your therapist is in the office (or at least not on vacation), there's somehow this idea that she's still thinking of you or that you're still on her radar in some way or another. i think the vacation is hard because it's a big sign that a) she has a life outside of work and that b) it's possible she'd be off somewhere, having fun, and not thinking about therapist-y stuff (aka you). that's just what comes to mind when i read about your jealously issues..

[rainbow8]

Hey, seventyeight! I've missed you; it's been a long time since you've been around. Are you feeling okay now? Thanks for replying to me. I know what you wrote is part of it, and it's true I don't like to be reminded of her life with her H and kids. Yet I hate when she doesn't mention them either. She said "I'm going to such and such place" and I asked her "what do you mean, you're going? Isn't your H going too?" Of course he is, and so are her kids. Maybe she thinks it's less hurtful if she doesn't mention her H, and she knows I'm jealous of him.

I think the jealousy is more to do with "why can she travel and not me?" I feel that way about others traveling too. I had my chances to travel and I blew most of them, due to my fears. I should have taken the risk. It's hard because I really do fear airplanes. Also there's the aspect of it that she earns a good living and I've only earned peanuts at my jobs. I'm jealous of her career because it allows her to be able to afford to travel.

hankster: You're right about control issues. I feel out-of-control about everything because we can't control when we or our loved ones are going to die. That includes my T.

I never thought about being upset when my brother went to school and I didn't. I was so shy I think I liked being home with my mother. I didn't want to leave her on the first day of Kindergarten. No preschool in those days, of course.

[CantExplain]

What does travel mean to you?
Is it a joy, ritual, a measure of success?
When you did travel, was it as much fun as you expected?

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Can'tExplain. For replying to this thread. When I'm anxious like now, I feel a need to keep my threads going. Interesting questions.

Travel: I fondly remember family driving trips with my FOO. We always had a good time and I didn't worry about car accidents then. I also enjoyed trips with my H and then with our kids, but I became more anxious through the years. I especially became afraid of flying but I loved seeing new places, especially scenic ones.

When my H traveled for business and I went with, I enjoyed the trips once I got there. I was a wreck beforehand, and always worried that the plane would crash.

Now, I get jealous when other people travel. It's not a measure of success as much as something I like once I arrive there. I truly enjoy seeing new places, visiting museums, oceans, etc. I'm afraid but I want to go too. I don't want to miss out on traveling.

I don't know if it's as much "fun" as I expect because of my worries, but thinking about Scotland (I chose to go there once) I really loved Edinburgh and would happily go again. I loved Hawaii too.

I want to travel again and don't know if it's going to happen. I know some people have never been out of their country, and I have, but I still wish I could have more. It's hard because my H has been all over the world for business so he has no desire to travel anymore, even if we could afford it.

I wrote an awful lot in answer to your questions. Hey, my T is probably there now. Distraction is good for me. Thanks.

[rainbow8]

I'm crying again and I feel so selfish. That's the worst part of it. I looked up one of the places my T is going, and it's absolutely gorgeous. She's so lucky to be able to go on this trip and I'm very envious. I'm afraid my feelings are going to cause something bad to happen to her. I know that's irrational. She deserves her vacations but the child part is saying "it's not fair!!!" I'm reacting very badly right now. My T would tell me to accept my parts and not to judge them. It's okay if I'm angry and resentful. I also care that my T and family are safe.

I have to take one day at a time. I'm grieving a loss that didn't happen, or maybe my traveling days are over and I'm grieving that. I don't think I'm going to be able to get away this summer though my H had said we could go to Banff in the spring. Things came up. Maybe we should get passports anyway and see if we can fit it in. I'm so confused though. I don't want to go just to "get even" with my T. I know that's not the case; I just want to see beautiful places too.

[rainbow8]

Today I think the problem is that I want to travel-- more than missing my T. I felt the same jealousy of my own daughter when her family went somewhere I would have loved to go last summer. I react that way when people travel.

It's worse with my T because she's my T. It seems that way. She is doing something I want to be doing. I always felt like I "settled" for things in life and never got what I wanted. It's been too long since I've been somewhere I want to go. I'm afraid I'll never get to be where there's water and mountains again.

I think there's something wrong with me to obsess about this now. Why can't I be happy with what I have? I feel totally miserable and selfish and needy and jealous. Is there a forum for jealousy and envy?

[likelife]

Are jealousy and envy things that can in any way compel you toward action, Rainbow? Specifically toward seeking out the kinds of experiences you want to have? I know that there are constraints of time and money. Those factors notwithstanding, is your anxiety related to preparing for travel something you and your T can work on directly? It seems like some focused anxiety-related work might be helpful to try to circumvent some of the jealousy and envy.

I get why it's different when it's your T, though. Sometimes I think the limited knowledge we do have about them is just enough to create anxiety, but not enough to allay any of it. Transference at work, yes, but not necessarily in a helpful way.