[Silent_tsol]

Trigger for talk of death and sui (but in teeny tiny font)

I really appreciate everything that everyone shares on here. In the past months it's been so helpful to be able to come on a read and just feel like I'm not the only one who thinks...or feels...

I've posted now and again but never really let anyone in. So now I'm going to peek out a little. The last few months have been hard and I've been at sort of a standstill in my relationship, after 6 years, he decided we should take a break. He insisted it was temporary while he figures out his stuff. I've been sort of frozen since then, then being 3 months ago. Only recently have I started to wonder if I'd actually be able to go back to the relationship, but it's brought up a truly terrifying idea to me that has really set me out of whack. It took me a few weeks to be able to tell t and the idea of writing it here is making me nervous again. Well, to be honest, I haven't felt not anxious about it since the topic came up.

I feel like I'm trapped because I'm so afraid that if I were to do anything to upset him, mainly break up that his reaction would be extreme. And I feel like a bad person just saying it. I told t that I couldn't tell her because I thought she would think I'm a bad person. Bad person because she would assume I think I'm worth such an extreme reaction. Badder person that the idea of not continuing the relationship is still even an idea considering what I'm afraid the reaction will be. Now the thing is, he isn't the type of person to jump to this reaction, he doesn't have a history of it, or even talking about it. It doesn't have anything to do with him. In fact, I've deeply feared it for a lot of people I've been close to in my life. Afraid that if I hurt them, something bad will happen. Afraid that it will lead them to commit sui. It all started out, when I was young I had to have the bathroom shower curtain either all the way open or all they closed. Open meant seeing what I was afraid of wasn't there. Closed meant there was no bath tub on the other side. If it was open part way, I was so afraid that there would be a witch in the tub. I guess you'd say it was my version of a monster under my bed. But I never called for help. I never told anyone about the witch. As I got a little older, the witch wasn't a witch anymore, it was a dead body. But my same technique remained. Had to either have the curtain all the way open or fully shut. And a little older still, it became clear that the body wasn't only dead, but the person had killed them self. If the curtain wasn't set properly, it's as if I can "feel" it there. Even talking or typing about it, I can "feel" it. Worse than seeing it. I can't describe to you how the death happened, but it's the same way every time. And it's the same way I "see" anyone who I hurt doing it. It really has nothing to do with the boyfriend, he doesn't even have a bath tub in his house.

So this week, T had me sit in her chair and kind of knelt beside me. We of course empty chair-tried to tell him about what I was feeling. It actually went pretty well. I'm still afraid but T was really good. She put her hands on my feet so I would keep them on the ground, I guess keeping me grounded, since I have a tendency to curl in my chair (although I don't think I could curl in her chair - she doesn't know that). She said she could feel me trying to move my feet, I really was trying to get them away. First, it was weird for her to touch me, as that's the first time we've had any physical contact. I think I appreciated it but didn't want her to know. It made me anxious. And at the same time, I didn't want to talk to the chair. I don't have a very visual imagination. I can explain a metaphor for anything and everything but if you tell me to "picture A in that chair", all I see is chair. So anytime we've tried anything like that before, I've just kind of rolled my eyes and felt silly talking to the wall. This time I think I got the idea. Or at least one I could work with. I don't need to "see" or imagine anyone there. I just need to picture their response. Which I can do. And my reaction to it. Which I did.

Anyways, there is my long winded way of opening the door and saying hi. Sorry if it was too much. And sorry about the font size. I think the only way I could type all that was if I thought no one would be able to read it.

[CantExplain]

What did T say about the witch?

[rainbow_rose]

sounds like a good, productive session.

[pbutton]

Great job sharing

[Silent_tsol]

I think she agreed that the witch, being a fantasy character, was easier to make sense of at the time. we didn't dwell on out that much, moved on to the rest if the fear

Thanks for the hugs