[likelife]

From another thread (hope it's okay I excerpted you, stopdog):

I quit almost every week for the first year. Now I only cancel an appointment every three weeks or so and quit every other month. I don't think it causes the therapist that much grief.

I've been thinking A LOT about quitting T. The desire to do so seems to be coming from some combination of frustration, anger, and hopelessness that things will ever change for me. I've told my T indirectly and directly (in email and in person) about my thoughts about quitting, though probably not in a great amount of detail.

The only thing that she's said in response is that I'd be fine if I quit, but it's up to me to decide if I want to continue working on things. This feels like the world's vaguest response. I suppose it's also true, but I'd like some help from her on actually talking about both sides of the coin.

I was this close (fingers a centimeter apart) to emailing her and telling her that I just don't want to come back. That therapy no longer feels helpful, and that I'm having a difficult time tolerating the hurt feelings that seem to arise every time I show up there.

For those of you who have quit therapy and returned, how has your T handled it? I get the distinct feeling that my T wouldn't really say anything in response (not that she necessarily should, but it feels like after five years there should be something there), take me off her calendar, and that would be that. I know that my decision to leave would be about 80% based on emotion and 20% on reason arising from that emotion (i.e., why would I continue to return to a situation that only seems to be hurting me).

[rainbow8]

Is this your first and only T? It could have been a mismatch and maybe quitting but finding someone else would be better. I stayed with my former T for about 6 years even though I knew something was "off" and I was too critical of her. If you don't think therapy is helping you, why stay unless you're hopelessly attached like I've been with my Ts. Your T doesn't seem willing to probe deeply enough for you so perhaps another type of therapy would be more productive?

[likelife]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Is this your first and only T? It could have been a mismatch and maybe quitting but finding someone else would be better. I stayed with my former T for about 6 years even though I knew something was "off" and I was too critical of her. If you don't think therapy is helping you, why stay unless you're hopelessly attached like I've been with my Ts. Your T doesn't seem willing to probe deeply enough for you so perhaps another type of therapy would be more productive?

Thanks for your response, Rainbow. No, I've had a string of T's, because I've moved a lot. My current T is the 3rd I've seen for any significant length of time, and I've seen her longer than any of my previous T's. I do feel hopelessly attached, as you put it, which is a major factor in making it difficult for me to leave. It feels like there was a time when my T was willing to go deeper with me, but things have become pretty pro forma recently. There probably is potential for another T to be more helpful, but if I were to leave now, I don't think I'd seek out another T right away. I just feel too wary of the therapy experience, I think.

ETA: How did you end up deciding to leave your former T?

[stopdog]

Excerpt away. The one I go to doesn't say anything about it all usually other than it is my choice. Once when talking about ending she said we would decide together. That made no sense to me at all. I have read several books on ending therapy. I found them of no use.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Excerpt away. The one I go to doesn't say anything about it all usually other than it is my choice. Once when talking about ending she said we would decide together. That made no sense to me at all. I have read several books on ending therapy. I found them of no use.

That's too bad that the books on ending therapy weren't helpful. It would be nice to have some established thoughts on the process.

How does your therapist respond when you un-quit?

[rainbow8]

The question should really be: why did I stay with my T so long, not why did I leave. She even asked me that herself because I criticized her so much! I didn't know she didn't have an appropriate degree or a license until I was already attached, which may have been after only a couple of sessions. I'm very stubborn. I had to pay $100/week for all those years because I thought she could help me. Stupid!

I didn't realize that I wanted to talk about my past but that wasn't her orientation. I was naive though I had seen 3 other Ts in the past! She said so many unhelpful things to me but all I did was cry in the car after my sessions, and call her because she was so mean.

She wasn't really mean, but she treated me as a "borderline", not as a person. She wouldn't hug me because it wouldn't be good for me. She wouldn't accept my child parts. She told me that she didn't like being the "object of my obsession". She told me I had to grow myself up. I guess she was a "tough love" kind of t but it didn't work for me. Yet I was so attached to her I couldn't leave. I kept trying to get more from her than she was willing to give me, and she won. The flip side is that she did help with what she was good at, problem-solving, taking risks, and daily living.

After about 5 years, I had to see her less for financial reasons. I couldn't stand that but I did it. Then she told me that I had to move forward and make steps to become independent. Meanwhile the child parts of me were starving for love. I saw her monthly for about a year but I 'lived" for the monthly appointment. During all of this time, people on another board had been suggesting I see someone else, and then the same on PC. I didn't want to see anyone else.

Okay, I'm making this too long. I decided to quit when at one session SHE almost cried and said she "wished she'd been able to help me with my attachment issues". I had told her something I finally realized. She couldn't help me anymore!! It was a poignant moment but when I accepted that I knew it was the right decision. I wanted a T who would let me explore my past and not just tell me it wouldn't help, and borderlines never get better.

So, I decided that for the first time I would search for another T who I selected. The others sort of "got selected" for me. I found my new T and immediately knew how different therapy was going to be with her. Hindsight, you know.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by likelife

That's too bad that the books on ending therapy weren't helpful. It would be nice to have some established thoughts on the process.

How does your therapist respond when you un-quit?

She doesn't really say anything about it. Stuff goes along like it did not happen.

[stopdog]

Here are the books if you are interested:

Termination in Psychotherapy - Joyce, Piper, Klein
Positive Endings in Psychotherapy- Steven Kramer
Terminating Therapy- Davis
Good enough Endings – Salberg
Endings in Clinical Practice -Walsh

[likelife]

Thanks for the book titles, stopdog.

[likelife]

Thanks so much for your reply, Rainbow. It sounds like that was an extraordinarily difficult experience - "knowing" intellectually that you weren't getting what you needed, but feeling emotionally stuck.

Even though you reframed the question as why did you stay as long as you did (which I understand), it seems like the realization that you needed to go was a powerful one.

[WikidPissah]

Maybe you should "take a break" instead of quitting? If you tell T you need to take a break to see how you do, then she can schedule something a month out for you to return and talk about how things went. This way you're not quitting, you're just seeing if quitting is the best action for you.

[likelife]

You're right, Wikid, taking a break would be better than quitting. I know that on some level, wanting to quit is a knee jerk response to feeling angry and hurt. But I've also been contemplating it for a good 6 weeks, so it's not entirely impulsive.

In the meantime, I sent my T an angry email and am waiting nervously to hear back from her. I don't think I've ever expressed anger in such a mean, sarcastic way to her before. I sent a two-line follow up, apologizing for my nastiness, but I haven't heard from her yet.