I just need a place to vent I suppose. I try to limit my posting here because I'd much rather give support. My support in real life is not very available right now, so I'll try the online route.

I've been in therapy with my current therapist for a total of almost 2 and a half years, with about a year break in there. Something like that.

I have a long complex trauma history that we have gone in and out of while working together. We had been focusing on ways to reduce flashbacks, nightmares, triggers, etc. But I've realized that over the last several months, I'm much more focused on my relationship with my T than I am about working through my trauma. Focused on wanting her as the "mom I never had". And I'm noticing that this is much more the topic of my sessions - working through what can and cannot be gained from this relationship, what do I mean to my T, where do I stand, etc.

Yes I share pieces of the trauma and the triggers, but it's all for the gain of: what will T think of me, will she still love me and want to see me, will anything change in her eyes? It's all about T.

I'm starting to wonder if I should be in therapy at all at this point. If it's come down to me focusing solely on the relationship with T, and who I am to her, it will come out to me being hurt because of what can't be offered, things she cannot fulfill no matter how badly I want her too.

I am so torn because of course I believe therapy can heal people. Where I get stuck is: Im not sure it can heal ME.

[Snuffleupagus]

Would you tell one of your patients going through a similar experience that it's time to wrap it up? If you're focused on your relationship with your T, I think it's likely happening for a reason. What can be learned from it? Knowing your T can't be what you want is very different from experiencing it and learning from that grieving process/letting go. I'd ask myself if I truly feel done with therapy or if I just want to avoid experiencing something potentially quite valuable because it will probably be painful.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

Yes I share pieces of the trauma and the triggers, but it's all for the gain of: what will T think of me, will she still love me and want to see me, will anything change in her eyes? It's all about T.

I think this is the most important thing you could be working on right now.

[Dreamy01]

I would definitely say continue. What you describe is actually a really important aspect of the work you and T are doing together.

The important thing is allowing the space to grieve what you would want from your T and ultimately what you didn't get in the past. Your T should help you with this. I went through a similar thing with my first t but she actually responded to most of my needs (which was of course wonderful at the time) and this meant I didn't have the space to grieve my losses. Maybe that is just me though. It is only years later with a T who doesn't give me so much that I am learning how to process the abuse and neglect I experienced in childhood.

It's tempting to run at this stage but most beneficial if you can stay and focus on this.

[WePow]

((((Stormy)))) I do get it. Sometimes the relationship with T can overwhelm the therapy itself. Sometimes I wonder if the relationship with T is "easier" to focus on than the trauma junk. Almost like the trauma work just takes too much out of us.

[Nightlight]

I've been seeing my T for three years and that describes that point I'm at too. I feel a bit embarrassed, making it about the relationship we have, so much of the time. Though we also work on problems that arise each week. I think the reason it's coming up for me is because it's so important, because it needs to be worked on, and I hope my T can continue to help me with it. Hopefully I eventually feel better about the situation, I do intend to keep working on it. It's really hard to have missed out on something so important...and it's hard to have one person now, who is so important to me and has given me so many of the things I've missed out on, but knowing it's not exactly equal. Still, I hope there are more positive things to gain from the relationship. Hopefully!

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

For me, telling my T about the bits and pieces of my trauma history feel like they have a positive influence in reducing my PTSD symptoms and in general this work has generated more calmness and ability to be present in a daily and real way in my work and life.

Sometimes I can literally feel how telling her changes the way the trauma "lives" in my head-- what I mean by this is that I think that when it exists just inside my head it gets "rooted" in a spot and it doesn't move or change. When I speak it out loud (which I have a lot of difficulty doing), it seems as if it shifts around because now it "grows" into the space between me and my T. On a good day, I see it disappearing into the universe-- inside my head, it's so big. Out into the universe, it's so tiny and it just evaporates.

I do believe in all that neurological stuff as it relates to trauma and telling. At least the research seems to show that we shift our brains around by talking about it. So I guess I would be thinking that even though you are pointing to talking about the trauma as a way to relate to your T, isn't this part of what you "should" be doing? You're changing it from something that is secretive inside you to something that is part of the relationship between you and your T. Isn't that what we have all needed, and most of us never got, someone to listen to what happened to us? The researchers also say that children who were traumatized but who were able to talk about it/get therapy for it immediately afterwards suffer (for the most part) no PTSD as adults. So I guess I'm wondering (not a question you have to answer, of course) whether even though you feel you have a "relational" purpose for working through the trauma, could you be benefiting in other ways. Is there evidence of other kinds of healing, e.g. a reduction in flashbacks and the other symptoms you mention?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

But I've realized that over the last several months, I'm much more focused on my relationship with my T than I am about working through my trauma. Focused on wanting her as the "mom I never had". And I'm noticing that this is much more the topic of my sessions - working through what can and cannot be gained from this relationship, what do I mean to my T, where do I stand, etc.

I have done this over and over with my Ts, as you probably know, and I think it's the essence of therapy for many of us. What I can and can't get from my T is where I need to be, and if you are focusing on that, it's where you need to be too. The trauma processing is intertwined with the focusing on your T. My T does EMDR for trauma because it's focused on me, not her. So there's a balance. Still, the T relationship is very important or we could just heal ourselves with no T. Have you discussed how you feel with your T?

[likelife]

I'm in pretty much exactly the same place. It can be so very frustrating. I want to talk with my T about the upcoming birth of my daughter, but it's like I have this compulsive need to experience resolution around the relationship issues before I can really go there.

I'm sorry you're struggling with it, stormy. Know that you're not alone.

Thanks for all the support...

I have touched on it with T a little bit, but not much. I've got a lot going on outside of trauma-drama stuff so that's been draining me a lot.

I think I'm triggered from stuff that happened around this time in my past. So maybe I'm unconsciously trying to pull away. Stuff to think about I guess.

stormyangels, I started a similar thread a while back, basically berating myself for focusing in session on how I feel about my T as opposed to addressing my family of origin issues, like the severe physical abuse or the sexual abuse, or even the current issues I am having with them. I felt like an idiot and like I was wasting time. People here told me it was about the connection between me and my T, and about trust, and blah, blah blah. And in reality, a few sessions after that, I was able to tell my T (well, send him an email anyway) about something I had never told anyone, and planned to never tell. Ever. EVER. So, maybe there's something to the whole connection thing, and having to address the relationship to get to the point where you can address the trauma.