My fault

*Trigger for mention of sui thoughts*

Okay this weekend I got upset that T didn't respond to my reaching out to him when I was having sui thoughts. I honestly couldn't understand why he wouldn't when he made me promise to contact him if I ever did, when we first started seeing each other.

So Monday we had our session...again I tried to address the sui thoughts. He AGAIN didn't bring much attention to it. He just matched my negative reasoning with positives and said I know how to cope better than that. I left a bit frustrated with him.

That night I wrote this email (but I didn't have the gutts to send it until this morning)...

"What would you say if I told you I have suicidal thoughts on a continual basis, but with NO actual intent? (thoughts like walking into traffic or off a train platform) I have no intent on doing ANY of this it's just kind of impulsive thoughts that enter my head, when I'm overwhelmed with emotions and don't know how else to cope. It's kind of like a fail safe coping mechanism for me. How do I change this way of thinking? I've been super afraid to bring this up because I don't want you to bring up hospital stuff like you did that one time. So I've just been dancing around the subject, and bringing it up in pieces during sessions. BUT...I know it needs to directly be addressed. I can't keep using suicidal thoughts to cope with my intense emotions, but I will if we don't talk about it. Okay, now...would your thoughts change if I told you I've been doing this since I was 15 years old? I almost don't think it's possible to think or cope differently. It's almost all I know."

I was absolutly TERRIFIED to send it to him. Even though I knew he needed to know everything to help me. And guess what...it worked. My honesty got through to him. He got right back to me, and made me re-promise I would not act on any of this. But also promised we would not have to talk about the hospital as long as I had no intent. He also said we would need to discuss this tomorrow in session, which is what I wanted all along.

I guess what I learned from all of this was it was my fault I wasnt getting what I needed from T because I wasn't being open and honest with T with what was going on.

I hope all goes well tomorrow.

Good luck tomorrow.

good for you for being honest and open! i dance around issues alot too.....sometimes i think T can read my mind....and she cant. they cant assume either. its our part of the deal to tell them what we need. easier said than done. and if they dont go to bat when we do tell....well then u cross that bridge when u get to it i guess. good luck tomorrow!

My T always tells me he doesn't have a crystal ball...I always tell him he should probably invest in one.

That is so good, lost! I am kind of the same way, it's like it's always an option in the back of my mind. Frankly, I think it's because the FOO was always half-planning to get rid of me. So we absorbed their intent. Not so much drink the Kool-Aid as it became part of our cheesecake swirl. And when we get depressed, the swirl is right there, isn't it? There is a technical term for this (I forget what it is). Then something happens like I get bronchitis? and I say, well, all I have to do is not go to the doctor and that could be the end, ya know? but I don't like being in pain, or some survival instinct kicks in, idk. anway, so glad you guys worked this out!

Lostmyway, can you talk about the thoughts in that email with T instead of having to email it to him, call him between sessions, etc.? That's great your T responded and is open to discussing this topic. I'm wondering if the between session email and phone call are more about your need to connect than to express suicidal thoughts? Maybe both. If your reaching out is to express the suicidal ideation with no plan, it seems that in session might work for that. My T encourages clients to express ideation. He says it helps relieve their anxiety and tension and they leave feeling better and less suicidal because they were able to discuss it. He also makes those who discuss suicidal ideation with him contract for safety. If he thinks it is more than ideation and they have a plan, he will call the hospital. He said many clients are grateful for someone who will listen to and talk about their ideation.

Good luck at your session.

GREAT JOB!!! It is a huge risk to ask for what we need. And sometimes T can't give us what we need at the time. And that is ok. The big accomplishment is in our ability to ASK.

You should give yourself a big reward!! :-)

I always have a need to connect, but I can freely email for that. I have horrible abandonment issues, and he is pretty good about responding if I ask for a simple, are you there? I've only reached out twice in 6 months between session for contact regarding suicidal thoughts. I would much rather talk about in session. BUT those times I was in crisis about at night, and I needed grounding. We have a verbal safety agreement and have since I first brought up my sui thoughts. It's enough, and he knows it. We have a very strong theraputic relationship, our promise is sufficient.

Thank you guys.

Ok is there any chance that T is just being supportive to get me to come to session that way he could force me to go inpatient for these thoughts? Yeah I'm normally not the paranoid type, but right now I'm second guessing going.

Seriously, there is a technical term for thinking about it a lot but not really being a follower-thruer. So it is recognized as a "thing" and they don't see you as a danger to yourself because by definition the people tend not to follow thru on it. cross my heart, hope to die, stick a pin in my eye! not to worry.

I really don't think he would do that. Thinking about sui without intent isn't really cause for involuntary commitment.

Yeah so I panicked and messaged him. I decided to keep being honest, I told him I was paranoid he would try and hospitalize me for telling him about those thoughts, AND that I was scared to go to session tomorrow. I asked him to promise me that nothing was going to happen if I went tomorow, and he immidiatly replied..."promise".

I guess it's all good, I don't think he would make a promise to me he would break.

So today's session went better than expected. When I got there he reassured me right away by kind of laughing that he wasn't going to hospitalize me. But then became serious and made me promise him again that they were just thoughts, and if they ever became anything more I would call right away. Then jumped right into talking about them. He made it really safe and okay. Then at one point of the session, he asked me if I ever thought about the reprocusions and I said sometimes I didn't care. He snapped right back at me with "why are you even coming here then?"

That totally hit me hard and hurt me. So much so I emailed him while I was on the ferry going home. I sent him this...

"Why am I even coming? ...Because I need to get better. I want to learn to cope with my disorder. I want to heal from my past and move forward with my future in a positive direction. I need a stable positive influence in my life. I need to learn to trust that somebody won't hurt or abandon me, and that it's possible to be safe again. Maybe I rely on you too much atm, but honestly I could care less right now. I know as start to "get it" I will become more self reliant. I know your teaching me everyday how to become a stronger person. I know your teaching me how to form positive relationships. I know your changing my life. Thats why I don't give up & that's why I'm come to therapy."

He replied to me, "I love that answer."

I am so grateful that we have such a great therapeutic relationship. I know I'm lucky to have found such an awesome therapist. just thought I'd share how it went.

Hi,
the thoughts you described at the top of the thread are very similar to some that I had as a teenager. (jumping of a bridge when driving on one, jumping in front of a subway while waiting, when driving heading toward a big truck...) The therapist I saw then told me those sudden quick "impulsive" thought were part of my OCD, they were not suicidal thought. Someone else might have some other ideas on that, but I would encourage you to check with you therapist to see if it falls under OCD or not. If it is, CBT or another behavioral with exposure therapy would help.
I might be way of track here, but that was my experience.
Take care

Hm that's interesting. I could definitly ask. I'm not very OCD at all. I am very impulsive though, but I think that's my bipolar.

Lost- You sure are lucky to have the T you do. I loved your answer to him (Good going for being so honest with him) and I think I love his answer too.

TOTALLY!!! when my T said, tell PC about our tell the truth pact, I thought about you specifically, I said, they ARE doing it, I'm the one who needs to catch up. awesome awesome post.