As I said in my previous thread, I told my T that I wanted him to think about sex with me but not do anything about it, and worrying that he would think I was disgusting and never think about sex with me was keeping me from discussing certain things with him. I know that's weird, but is it a huge boundary crossing? Sannah seemed to be saying it was, but I thought that we were kind of allowed or even encouraged to talk about weird crappy things that we think with our therapists.

I plan to never say anything like that again EVER, but now I'm worried that I did to him what my mother did to me -- just selfishly tromp all over his boundaries because I cannot get my **** together.

And I know I'm being obsessive about this. I just cannot seem to shake this feeling of nausea and pain and shame that I even brought this up with him.

[pbutton]

Telling him how you feel is perfectly acceptable.

Demanding that he start thinking about having sex with you is where you'd start demolishing boundaries. You didn't do that. You weren't insisting that he think that way, you asked him if he did it. Big difference.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

As I said in my previous thread, I told my T that I wanted him to think about sex with me but not do anything about it, and worrying that he would think I was disgusting and never think about sex with me was keeping me from discussing certain things with him. I know that's weird, but is it a huge boundary crossing? Sannah seemed to be saying it was, but I thought that we were kind of allowed or even encouraged to talk about weird crappy things that we think with our therapists.

I plan to never say anything like that again EVER, but now I'm worried that I did to him what my mother did to me -- just selfishly tromp all over his boundaries because I cannot get my **** together.

And I know I'm being obsessive about this. I just cannot seem to shake this feeling of nausea and pain and shame that I even brought this up with him.

if this was me and my therapist no it would not be crossing the boundaries. in fact my therapist and I had many conversations about sex. the first time it came up was when she realized i was attracted to her behind.. she would come to the lounge and say hi Amanda and then she and I would walk to her office, her in front of me..one day I wrote in a journal entry that she had a great rear view lol completely forgetting that was in there I let her read my journal.

she started putting signs on her "rear view" bumper sticker style.

since then some days I would walk in and like the way she had her hair or a new piece of clothing and say something like "dang woman if you werent married and I wasnt seeing someone (or as I now say happily married) .."

she would laugh and say "pray tell what would happen" and we would "build a story together" she would even add her own input like in one story line I had her and I hiking up a mountain and she had a helicopter meet us at the top and fly us to a down town restaurant that serves the best roast beef meal in the city (Im a country girl type person and shes city through and through lol) and then well wont go into the details but suffice to say we had a great time both talking about it together and with in the story.

My therapist is big on boundaries but what we talk about isnt one of them. I can talk with her about anything including sex.

[SpiritRunner]

Pbutton is right. You only told him about your thoughts and feelings and asked about his. That is acceptable; that is not a boundary crossing, or violation (which is really more than a crossing). That is honest communication.
The boundary crossing, or the more serious boundary violation, would be trying to physically act on the thoughts, get him to act on those thoughts, or manipulate him into having those thoughts if he didn't have them (or even to manipulate him into confessing he did). You did no such thing; you asked in a direct manner. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with you for asking, either!
I see nothing in your posts that indicates to me that you selfishly tromp over, or disrespect or disregard, anyone's boundaries. If anything, it's more like you work really hard to not come anywhere near close to anyone's boundaries, or feel like they might have really rigid, tight, narrow boundaries which would hurt you if you did come near - which might just take away a lot of liberty from you in expressing yourself with others, and seems to with your T.

[unaluna]

That is so not crossing a boundary. That is using the transference productively. That is being honest about how you feel, that you feel yucky. I know y'all may not think i'm the the best benchmark in the world, but I am a pretty good comedian, and good comedians just say what everybody else is thinking, and I have a proven track record in that. so if the shoe fits, wear it. I loved his answer to you. so much better than my T's "I can be your T or I can be your boyfriend but I can't be both, so because I was your T first, I can't be your boyfriend." Talks to me like I have 40 IQ instead of 140. I told him that was the stupidest thing I ever heard, and it sounded like it was written by somebody who was trying to be somebody's boyfriend AFTER being their T. Your T showed he got what you were saying about your history? did to your self-esteem? I usually go rolling along okay, but when I got in a r/s, I felt like the other person could tell I was dirty (not bathed enough, etc) when I was a kid, like there was still a stink on me. I need T to fix that on me. I think that's the gist of what you're saying, when you say you "want him to, but you don't want him to."

[struggling2]

i agree with exactly what spriritrunner and hankster said. you showed extreme courage in saying what you were thinking/feeling. GO YOU!

[granite1]

others have said it great .i cant see how talking to your T about anything is crossing a boundary

[critterlady]

There are very wise people in this forum.

Asking your T about his thoughts on anything isn't a boundary violation. If you insisted on him answering when he thought it best not to, that would be. But you didn't do that. There is no topic off limits to bring up with your T. There are off limits actions, but not thoughts.

Ditto ditto.... My T would ask me why I wanted to know. Besides, he kind of challenged you to hit a nerve.. And when you did, i think his answer was a good one, a curve ball perhaps... But it gave him time to stop the situation and perhaps let it simmer for awhile to discuss later. I mean who knows but him right? So ask... Can you email, i forget?

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Ditto ditto.... My T would ask me why I wanted to know. Besides, he kind of challenged you to hit a nerve.. And when you did, i think his answer was a good one, a curve ball perhaps... But it gave him time to stop the situation and perhaps let it simmer for awhile to discuss later. I mean who knows but him right? So ask... Can you email, i forget?

He has let me email him once, but typically, he doesn't allow emails. The one time was to let me forward a story I wrote him about my childhood.

I know he's going to want to discuss it again, but I most emphatically DO NOT wish to discuss it with him.

Perhaps you could type a quick email...to prevent yourself from obsessing all weekend, just a simple. I regret asking you that, and I needed to know the answer because.... , your answer has left me feeling..... And I am so mortified over the avoidance answer, i care not to discuss this ever again. I am emailing to avoid obsessing all weekend. Thanks....yada yada - MKAC

Subject line: it was this or a phone call

[learning1]

I thought you communicated more openly and honestly and just plain better than your t did (and better than most people could) about a difficult topic. I bet if he could have thought fast enough, there would be a way he could have responded to let you know he would find you attractive without inappropriately saying he'd want to have sex with you. I thought he probably just wasn't able to think fast enough- probably at least partly because he felt anxious about potentially saying something he shouldn't.

[likewater]

I liked your Ts answer a lot. I think it is flattering. It suggests he could've been a boyfriend under different circumstances. I think I' M in love with your T now too. What a guy.

You are NOT like your mother. I understand that fear. My mom was very abusive in that way. It was really difficult for me to even look on the mirror because i have her eyes, her mouth. I'm afraid all the time of hurting people like she does. You will never be like
that-abusive i mean. It's ok to have sexual feelings and ask questions of your T. It's normal because no one taught you healthy
sexuality. Ick. Now i just triggered myself. Good going, me.