[Chopin99]

I've been on a sabbatical from therapy for two weeks while T had surgery. For the past 5 days or so, I have actually dreaded going back to T. While she was out, I was supposed to do work in the Boundaries workbook and write a letter to my (deceased) grandfather. I did neither.

Once I got past the fear of literally losing T (from surgery complications; she's higher risk due to heart problems) and found out that she was fine, I felt good. Very good. So good that I stopped thinking about her. It has been nice. As an obsessive individual, I tend to think about T and therapy a lot while I'm going through it.

My last appointment was two weeks ago today. For 3 days after that, she and I emailed back and forth because I wanted to see if she would see H and me because he thinks he may be burned out at work. Then I was trying to help her with her iPod; therefore, I felt connected. For the next 4 days, I anticipated her surgery and thought about her a lot. When I found out last Tuesday that she was fine, she more or less dropped out of my mind. Then I called the office to schedule the appointments for H and me, which was a disaster with the office staff. Once these were scheduled (last Thursday afternoon), she dropped out of my mind almost completely. It popped into my mind over the weekend that I'd see her this Thursday. Instead of feeling relief or glad that I would see her again, I began to dread it.

Right now, I don't want to have to deal with the strangeness of a therapeutic relationship. I don't want to obsess on therapy and T herself. I don't want to open up to her. I am coping very well. The changes in my life that I have already made are working well. I continue to be more confident in myself and my thought patterns are different.

Therein lies the rub. I know it could be even better because I realize I still have patterns of maladaptive thinking and behavior. If I keep going, it could get better, but right now is better than it's been in years. I will go to my appointment on Thursday for two reasons: one, for my H because I think he needs assistance with his workload and learning how to combat burnout, two, because I know it could be better. I think I need her to convince me of that.

I don't know how successful she may be. I feel a huge disconnect. I planned to email her late last week to say I was praying for her (which I am), but then I didn't want to send it. I felt too distant. So I didn't.

What do y'all think? Is this me being in a good place or in denial? Or both? Or something else?

I say go and see whay you think after that...... for me, outta site outta mind and even though you are doing well now, you said you could be even better.....so I vote for EVEN BETTER! question: If it all fell apart now, would you want to go Thursday, or could you handle it all alone?

[granite1]

i can completely understand that disconnect .i am glad you seem to be coping well but you also said that you know things could be better. don't you think that means the work isn't done yet. i would go and work on the stuff you feel can be better.

[critterlady]

I can't tell whether this is you being in a good place or in denial. I can say that the first thing that came to mind when I read your post is that maybe you're experiencing some protective measures - your mind let you stop thinking about T because you knew you wouldn't be able to see her.

Just a couple of weeks ago, you posted a lot about how exciting these recent breakthroughs have been and how much you're looking forward to working on them. What's really changed in the last couple of weeks? You have made a lot of progress and done a lot of hard work right up until she went out for surgery. You had a lot of momentum, but with her being out, the momentum has faded. That's perfectly natural. Don't worry at all about the homework - she'll understand.

If you do really want to terminate, may I suggest that you make that decision with your T and then end the therapy process gradually instead of with just one session? The way you're thinking about doing it seems awfully abrupt.

[linda24]

I have felt something similar just before my T returned from her vacation, so I can relate. When she left at first I felt hurt and abandoned, desperate and really sad... but few days in her vacation - I just stopped thinking about her, stopped crying and found out that there is life out there without therapy. When the day came and I had my appointment, I felt really disconnected and had no wish to connect - for a few days I had felt free form my obsession, constant thoughts about T. It was hard to figure out what to do - to continue or stop therapy, now I am glad I decided to continue.

I think that I was just really really angry with her for leaving me with all my problems completely alone. Maybe it is your case too? Especially, because she had this surgery, and there was possibility of loosing her forever? Could it be that because of your anger (if thats the case) you didn't do your homework?
I suggest you to go and see T. You are not having one-to one session, so you will not get 100% attention... Maybe it will be easier, like taking small steps back into therapy... I don't know. I hope what I wrote makes sense.

[skysblue]

I call it 're-entry' - getting back to T after they're gone for awhile. It can take some time. But if a real crisis hits, then it's like there's no disconnect anymore at all. At least, that's been my experience.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I say go and see whay you think after that...... for me, outta site outta mind and even though you are doing well now, you said you could be even better.....so I vote for EVEN BETTER! question: If it all fell apart now, would you want to go Thursday, or could you handle it all alone?

If it all fell apart, honestly, I could probably handle it with my current (outside of T) support system. Now if my support system crashed, I'm not sure.

Originally Posted by granite1

i can completely understand that disconnect .i am glad you seem to be coping well but you also said that you know things could be better. don't you think that means the work isn't done yet. i would go and work on the stuff you feel can be better.

I know the work isn't done, but I'm enjoying NOT doing the work!

Originally Posted by critterlady

I can't tell whether this is you being in a good place or in denial. I can say that the first thing that came to mind when I read your post is that maybe you're experiencing some protective measures - your mind let you stop thinking about T because you knew you wouldn't be able to see her.

Just a couple of weeks ago, you posted a lot about how exciting these recent breakthroughs have been and how much you're looking forward to working on them. What's really changed in the last couple of weeks? You have made a lot of progress and done a lot of hard work right up until she went out for surgery. You had a lot of momentum, but with her being out, the momentum has faded. That's perfectly natural. Don't worry at all about the homework - she'll understand.

If you do really want to terminate, may I suggest that you make that decision with your T and then end the therapy process gradually instead of with just one session? The way you're thinking about doing it seems awfully abrupt.

I don't plan to terminate, but this is the first time since I've started that I've wanted to quit. My brain is very OCD...it doesn't let go to protect me, so the fact that I haven't thought about it is an interesting thing. I have made a great deal of progress, but it's WORK. And I'm tired!

Originally Posted by linda24

I have felt something similar just before my T returned from her vacation, so I can relate. When she left at first I felt hurt and abandoned, desperate and really sad... but few days in her vacation - I just stopped thinking about her, stopped crying and found out that there is life out there without therapy. When the day came and I had my appointment, I felt really disconnected and had no wish to connect - for a few days I had felt free form my obsession, constant thoughts about T. It was hard to figure out what to do - to continue or stop therapy, now I am glad I decided to continue.

I think that I was just really really angry with her for leaving me with all my problems completely alone. Maybe it is your case too? Especially, because she had this surgery, and there was possibility of loosing her forever? Could it be that because of your anger (if thats the case) you didn't do your homework?
I suggest you to go and see T. You are not having one-to one session, so you will not get 100% attention... Maybe it will be easier, like taking small steps back into therapy... I don't know. I hope what I wrote makes sense.

I feel absolutely no anger or hurt over T's being out to have surgery. I feel that freedom from obsession that you mentioned. I didn't do my homework because I'm tired and I was doing other things that were fun. I will see T, but Thursday is a solo session with just me. H sees T with me next Tuesday.

One thing I should mention and I think this is a factor in the whole thing. H and I both need a vacation. A real one...out of town...away from all responsibilities. We haven't done that in two years. It's part of his burnout and I need to get away too. We had the opportunity to go with friends to Florida, free room and board for a week in June. H can't get the time off. There is no time off available until at least mid-July. I can get time off almost any time. They told him he could "trade" to get the time off, but that would mean that he would have to work a week straight, seven 12-hour shifts. It would take him 4-5 days to recover from that. So, we're stuck.

[WikidPissah]

T is a lot of work, and a ton of obsessing and thinking and freaking and hurting...etc. I really enjoy it when T goes away, it's like a load is lifted off of me and I don't have to be in my head for a little while. Maybe that's all this is? You let yourself have a break and now breaks over and it's time to get back to work?

Wiki excellent point, we all see a T's vacation as bad, maybe we should look at it as a chance to take a T vacation - go out in the world with the training wheels off ...

Chopin what about camping a weekend or something ... Weekend and cheap

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

T is a lot of work, and a ton of obsessing and thinking and freaking and hurting...etc. I really enjoy it when T goes away, it's like a load is lifted off of me and I don't have to be in my head for a little while. Maybe that's all this is? You let yourself have a break and now breaks over and it's time to get back to work?

Yeah...that's what it is. Dammit. I actually contemplated doing some of the "Boundaries" work while I work at home tomorrow.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Wiki excellent point, we all see a T's vacation as bad, maybe we should look at it as a chance to take a T vacation - go out in the world with the training wheels off ...

Chopin what about camping a weekend or something ... Weekend and cheap

A weekend will not be enough...and the day H and I ever go camping, hell will freeze over. We like climate control too much. H is starting to look for a different job. He'd like to continue working for the county. My boss said he should finish his degree. He was one semester away from completing 2 bachelors degrees: computer and electrical engineering when his mom and stepdad were in a horrible car accident. He came home expecting to return the next semester, then landed a job making $14/hr. (in 1992...decent money...would be about $23/hr. today). In 1999, the business closed, then he got the job at 911. Wages were just a bit lower. He makes good money at 911; it's just wearing on him.

[roads]

I think you're just coasting at the moment, Chopin, because you can ATM. & for now it feels restful. I think you can afford to enjoy it for a little. Slight change of pace.

When your T's recovered she'll get everything back on course. Because of the non-traditional nature of the relationship you and your T have, I think it's probably good to keep some flux is things.