[Asiablue]

Do any of you have secret rage at your therapist that you would never share with them out of fear of losing them and because you know that you are really being very unreasonable and to say out loud how angry you are for something they've done will reveal how needy and stupid the reason is? Do you ever wish you could act out those impulsive, strong feelings of "i hate you, this all your fault". I sometimes feel that, but i know it's nothing they've done, and that really i don't hate them at all.

If you could let your inner rage out what would you say?

I would say:

"I love you and I hate you, you left me, you promised me wouldn't, you made me trust you and you broke it by leaving for vacation. Proving i am just a job to you.Why should i open myself to your torment, you don't care, STOP pretending you do, NEVER stop showing me you care. STOP giving me hope, STOP pretending you care, STOP looking for the positive in me all the time. STOP being so good at what you do, STOP doing things that make me think you like me. STOP with being tolerant and accepting, I need you to angry with me, i need you to show your disgust in me. I need you to send me away. I need you to NOT to ever send me away. I NEED you to prove you are the same as everyone else and that you don't want me or like me, I NEED you to hurt me, i NEED you to heal me. i don't believe in YOU, you are not real, i need you to prove to me that you are real. STOP with the boundaries, i hate your stupid boundaries. I NEED you to keep your boundaries and not cross them! I NEED you to hug me and make me feel it's all going to be ok, i NEED you not to come near me i can't cope with your affection. "

[jenluv]

Oh God, I feel the same way a lot of the time. I really do. (((Asiablue)))

WlityOver time everything you wrote finally came out in my therapy. All of it handled by T so much better in reality then in the conversations in my mind i was having with her.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

STOP with being tolerant and accepting, I need you to angry with me, i need you to show your disgust in me. I need you to send me away. I need you to NOT to ever send me away. I NEED you to prove you are the same as everyone else and that you don't want me or like me, I NEED you to hurt me, i NEED you to heal me. . "

I really relate to this bit. In fact, just this morning, I gave T some grief because he always lets me off the hook for things I feel bad about. He told me that he's never heard me say anything for which I should feel guilty, but I feel guilty about everything. I told him "can you please just let me wallow in a good guilt trip once in a while?" I also talked about how if people knew what I was really thinking, they wouldn't want to be anywhere near me. That includes him, although I've yet to be able to tell him that.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

If you could let your inner rage out what would you say?

back off, I'm too ugly to be in your presence and I hate you for making me see it.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

"i NEED you to heal me. i don't believe in YOU, you are not real, i need you to prove to me that you are real. STOP with the boundaries, i hate your stupid boundaries. I NEED you to keep your boundaries and not cross them! I NEED you to hug me and make me feel it's all going to be ok,"

That is VERY accurate for me....i would also throw in...

"I NEED you but I'm trying my hardest to not NEED you because I dont see how that ends well"

[Asiablue]

oh thank goodness i'm not the only one with these weird raging contradictions! It occurs to me that these feeling are not adult feelings they are a little persons feelings never expressed?

[sittingatwatersedge]

O Asiablue you make me cry. (((((((((((((((((asiablue))))))))))))))

I can't ever let it out. how did you do that? No, not ever.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

i don't believe in YOU, you are not real, i need you to prove to me that you are real.

oh oh oh..... not rage, just heart's blood.

don't speak to me kindly, as you did, no one ever has and you don't know me at all or you wouldn't either. I tell you and tell you who I am, what I am, and you are not listening.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

O Asiablue you make me cry. (((((((((((((((((asiablue))))))))))))))

I can't ever let it out. how did you do that? No, not ever.


oh oh oh..... not rage, just heart's blood.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

don't speak to me kindly, as you did, no one ever has and you don't know me at all or you wouldn't either. I tell you and tell you who I am, what I am, and you are not listening.

aww i'm sorry SAWE, don't cry....

[mcl6136]

This is where I have a significant amount of stress. Although I need help of various kinds, part of me wants to lash out at potential helpers or hide from them...which I do relatively frequently.

Then, I realize that I really do need help, and I return to them WITH A HUGE BUNDLE OF RAGE AT THEM and guilt about my (failed) attempt to hide.

And I approach, only to feel trapped and resentful....leading to rage, which I need help to deal with.

My current T approach is helping, because rather than just illuminate my rage and guilt, I'm doing new things in my life (some of them are bombing; witness my failed dating attempt which I shared recently ) because I feel like I'm helping myself more, and some small portion of my inner rage is melting away.

However, I NEVER said any of this to any of my former therapists. I suppose they sensed it, and I know that I acted it out (browbeating a few of them) but honestly? I have too much shame about my inner rage to even BROACH the subject on its own in its own intrinsic light, which I believe it deserves....

A rambling note here, I know....and thanks for reading this far (if you did!)

[Asiablue]

Mcl6136- I NEVER lash out when i feel like that with anyone thru fear of the consequences which are never good for me. What happens when you do lash out, do you lose people?

Do you think being brave enough to discuss this would help? I want to vomit at the idea of speaking about this.

[geez]

Asiablue I can so relate to what you are feeling right now. Bravo for the courage in releasing it and expressing it. I say when it comes to sharing with T (easier said than done for me :-) ) LET IT FLY!

[unaluna]

well at least I tell my T I wasn't allowed to cry when mum left - she told me that my older brother missed her when she started working nights (he was 6 or 7), but she didn't remember anything about me - I was 2. so I figure I have an excuse for not FEEEEELING anything when he goes on vacation except some weird combo of depression and relief. so you KNOW we're gonna tell you to:

SHOW T THIS POST!!

we need a smilie for that!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by hankster

well at least I tell my T I wasn't allowed to cry when mum left - she told me that my older brother missed her when she started working nights (he was 6 or 7), but she didn't remember anything about me - I was 2. so I figure I have an excuse for not FEEEEELING anything when he goes on vacation except some weird combo of depression and relief. so you KNOW we're gonna tell you to:

SHOW T THIS POST!!

we need a smilie for that!

Do you know, my first feeling about that suggestion is " Hell to the NO" but you know what? I think i might... nothing ventured nothing gained huh? Of course, it will be emailed because i'm not actually THAT brave that i could sit across from her and bare my soul. ughhhh having a panic attack just thinking about it lol

[Towanda]

I have a HUGE amount of displaced rage at my T right now. I want to yell, scream, trash his office, throw whatever I can get my hands on at him, say hurtful things, etc, etc. Just finished writing a long letter about it which I plan to read to him tomorrow because if I try to say it I get mixed up and it never comes out right. While reading the letter it occurred to me that I'm really angry at my husband for constantly travelling for the last 34 years and always leaving me alone. Hubby can't change professions and he hates travelling so I can't get mad at him so...T gets to be the target of all this bottled up rage. Of course, it will never be expressed. I'll go in and be the perfect patient as usual. Grrrr!!! Right now I could crush bowling balls with my bare hands

[stopdog]

From someone who has no trouble raging at the therapist, my experience has been it does not really bother them. If that is of any help in you
Letting the therapist know about it.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Towanda

I have a HUGE amount of displaced rage at my T right now. I want to yell, scream, trash his office, throw whatever I can get my hands on at him, say hurtful things, etc, etc. Just finished writing a long letter about it which I plan to read to him tomorrow because if I try to say it I get mixed up and it never comes out right. While reading the letter it occurred to me that I'm really angry at my husband for constantly travelling for the last 34 years and always leaving me alone. Hubby can't change professions and he hates travelling so I can't get mad at him so...T gets to be the target of all this bottled up rage. Of course, it will never be expressed. I'll go in and be the perfect patient as usual. Grrrr!!! Right now I could crush bowling balls with my bare hands

OMG, THIS ^^^^

Displaced rage is exactly it. I'm not angry at her, i'm tapping into the impotence i felt in childhood.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by stopdog

From someone who has no trouble raging at the therapist, my experience has been it does not really bother them. If that is of any help in you
Letting the therapist know about it.

I suppose it's that thing where i've never tested it, therefore cannot be sure she would dump me under a veil of psudo-psycho babble about me needing someone more equipped to deal with my issues!

[tuxyjenn]

Asiablue, I think I should print out what you wrote and give it to my therapist cause I feel all that too. Tears came to my eyes as I read this.
Should I bring this up with her too?

[Chopin99]

I have felt this way, Asiablue...about two months ago. What I did (because it hit me in the middle of the night was write it out. Then I posted it here. I printed it out and took it with me to T, but never felt the need to read it. I told her that I raged against her, her boundaries, the relationship, the process, called her names, cursed, etc. That was enough for me. I got it out of my system without having to actually go through the ugliness of it.

The whole point being, it really wasn't about her. It was about me; raging against all the unhealthy boundaries and relationships, bad choices, my selfishness and the selfishness of others in my past. Once I got it out of my system; experienced it viscerally through my words on paper and the emotions I was feeling as I went through it, it was completely unnecessary to lash out at T herself.

It has been my biggest breakthrough to date.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I suppose it's that thing where i've never tested it, therefore cannot be sure she would dump me under a veil of psudo-psycho babble about me needing someone more equipped to deal with my issues!

What if you just described the rage rather than raging at the therapist. I had a not unsuccessful appointment once where I went in and just told her how much I wanted to hurt her (verbally, not physically).
Even with all my therapy challenges, I have found it better for me if I just tell them this sort of stuff rather than having the worry that the rage would end the association. I would rather know whether they can handle it than hope it does not come out. But that is my deal so it may not be the thrust for others. Good luck with working it out.

[sweepy62]

I would say Iam angry at you for letting me open up to u and trust u and presenting myself as an open book to you then one day your suggestions make the tower of trust crumble and you dont even know it

[Fixated]

Would you just show a crack in your armor for once. It pisses me off that I cannot hurt you the way you can hurt me.

(doesn't sound much like rage now that I write it out)

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What if you just described the rage rather than raging at the therapist. I had a not unsuccessful appointment once where I went in and just told her how much I wanted to hurt her (verbally, not physically).
Even with all my therapy challenges, I have found it better for me if I just tell them this sort of stuff rather than having the worry that the rage would end the association. I would rather know whether they can handle it than hope it does not come out. But that is my deal so it may not be the thrust for others. Good luck with working it out.

I was so mad I just went ahead and raged.

[noodle_82]

I have inner rage but a lot of it gets "said" (usually in emails) to my T. I have told him on many occassions how I hate him, how he is not doing his job properly, how he doesn't care enough, how he has hurt me, how I hate the rules he puts on me, how he is trying to control me, how he doesn't understand, how he thinks he knows everything about me, how he thinks he is always right, how he never knows what I want/need etc etc.

As I said, I usually express this in an email, or sometimes I do tell him session but it never comes out how I really feel. For example, when I feel rage in my head I am screaming and shouting at him. But when it comes to it, I sit there meekly trying to tell him. I am too scared to let my anger out at him because he probably will leave. He says he wont, and when I think about all the times I have been angry with him and let him, he is still here. But the risk of letting it all out is far too high.

It is beyond me how or why he has stuck around so long when I think about it. Thanks for bringing this up. Maybe I need to cut my T some slack.