as a different take on the thread honoring mothers we wanted to pose a question of the opposite side-why do those of us who still have mothers but yet have no warm fuzzy loving feelings for them-feel obligated to buy them cards and gifts? ours is no longer here and even if she were our money wouldnt be spent on a single thing for her. we think its wonderful for those who have great relationships with their mothers,but ours was so incredibly abusive that,well,you know the rest. so we were just curious what drives others to purchase gifts?

[Living Unraveled]

I don't... I don't even talk to mine

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Living Unraveled

I don't... I don't even talk to mine

ditto. oops, need more chars.

[tkdgirl]

I guess my relationship with my mom wasn't all bad, she wasn't really abusive. Yeah she did some crappy and hurtful things. It was more what she didn't do than what she did in my case. I guess on some level I feel some type of obligation out of loyalty for family. Maybe another part is, that its easier to buy a gift that means nothing to me, then to deal with the reprucussions of not giving anything. Ok this questions is way harder to answer than I thought. I think there is also some pitty in there, in some ways I feel bad for her, as my T tried to explain to me, she did the best she could with what she had (I don't necessarily agree with this reasoning).

Yeah, easier to just buy something than deal with the ****-storm that would come my way if I didn't. Some sense of obligation. Gratitude for how incredibly nice she has been to my children.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by tkdgirl

I guess my relationship with my mom wasn't all bad, she wasn't really abusive. Yeah she did some crappy and hurtful things. It was more what she didn't do than what she did in my case. I guess on some level I feel some type of obligation out of loyalty for family. Maybe another part is, that its easier to buy a gift that means nothing to me, then to deal with the reprucussions of not giving anything. Ok this questions is way harder to answer than I thought. I think there is also some pitty in there, in some ways I feel bad for her, as my T tried to explain to me, she did the best she could with what she had

ditto to this!

[KazzaX]

I buy a card for my mother because I am the child, so it is my job. That is the only reason I do it.

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I buy a card for my mother because I am the child, so it is my job. That is the only reason I do it.

thats an interesting thought-who says its your job?

[rainboots87]

I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I can't cut her out of my life. If I tried, she wouldn't let me, and she's my connection to most of my living relatives so it just wouldn't work. At least I think my mom means well, for the most part. Though that doesn't change the pain she's caused me.

[edit] oh, but I'm not buying anything or sending a card. she just gets a phone call and me attempting to listen to her talk w/o getting too offended/bored/whatever

[stopdog]

I loved her anyway.

This is an interesting question. My mother was very neglectful when I was growing up. She didn't share any love and if you cried or showed any emotion at all-she would totally dismiss it.
I've bought gifts for people in the past on mothers day that I clung to. Different older women in my life that I casted the "role" of mother to. of course those relationships were ruined cause I sucked the life out of them.

Sorry went of base-but to answer your question. Im not buying my mother a gift but I am cooking for her. But there is a method behind the madness. I secretly have a goal to try and show her what taking care of someone should look like.

[Perna]

Loved my stepmother, did not like her. No one is all of one thing. Yes, they were abusive in the extreme but that was not all they were, that's all we saw, thought, felt, imagined they were. But it is like when young children look at pictures of their grandparents as young children and can't see it. The mothers were once just like us. The children take things the wrong way (not literal, unequivocal abuse) and/or misunderstand and have a children's point of view and some of that sticks with us when we grow up; we stay who we are when we grow; I can still remember being lost, hopeless, and helpless when I was 2 and the adult me finds it amusing; no way would I be lost, much less hopeless and helpless? But I learned helplessness from that and if I feel similarly now, guess what my mind does?

How I feel now is not my stepmother's fault, just because I learned about some of the harder feelings when I was in her care. It is my job to "grow up" and work on recreating myself as I do; assimilating my feelings and making sense of my emotions and doing the reality testing to make sure what I do with what I'm feeling now is not a throwback to either what I did when I was feeling it, then, or the only information I take from now's situation. Because I'm supposed to be more sophisticated now, I have not just had those bad experiences anymore because I've lived that many more years.

My stepmother gradually became more and more senile before she died. I took her to a doctor's appointment one morning and took the time to bring us home made muffins, still warm from the oven and cartons of milk, it being so early and she so senile I knew she would not have thought to eat. She loved it as I knew she would, she was like the child I had been and it was like the thousands of mornings of her making a hot breakfast for my brothers and myself before school that I had taken for granted had come back to me.

We learn our good things from our parents too; we aren't born either bad or good particularly, although we are not shaped, as if we are blank slates, either. It's our life, our abilities and difficulties, our experiences, our emotions and thoughts. We take the easy way out, take things at face value, or we work to see the whole, larger picture. We learn stuff as children and hold onto that stuff like a favorite stuffed toy, not noticing when it gets too old, worn, moldy, and useless anymore or we thoughtfully deal with the stuff, pack away the good, throw away the useless, learn new lessons about past, present, and future. It's a choice. It's our choice. It's my life and I'm sticking to it :-)

[WikidPissah]

I got gross neglect from her, but it wasn't as bad as what I got from dad. I hate her most of the time, she is very critical and mean. But she's mom, so I find the least offensive card I can and at least thank her for not letting me die.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

.... so I find the least offensive card I can and at least thank her for not letting me die.

I hope you won't take this as making light of your situation, but that is the funniest take on mother's day I think I have ever heard.

Really, Hallmark should put *that* on a card. It would be a huge seller.

[pbutton]

Apparently I am more like her than I realize. I am shrugging off the whole day like it is not happening. I don't feel like I am missing anything. I feel vaguely guilty, but everything family makes me feel guilty, so nothing new here. Maybe I should thank her for teaching me how to neglect, as I really don't feel terrible today. Dunno.