I definitely have codependent tendencies.. and I've worked a lot in therapy to realize how I got that way and to see the behavior but changing that behavior is very difficult.

Its so ingrained in me that its difficult to stop. Sometimes my T will tell me his opinion of something about a situation I'm in or something similar and I find it hard to deal with knowing this.. I fight changing my own mind about something because it doesn't line up to his thoughts ...sometimes I wish he wouldn't tell me things... Like I found out my H is addicted to porn... and my T. said that he doesn't think that is "cheating"....

So in your experiences, can codependency affect the theraputic relationship? does it mean its not good therpy? or is it just another way to view the things that go on in RL so its good it happens here? I struggle to know what is normal.

[Sannah]

Do you find it hard to disagree with someone then and continue to hold your position?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I definitely have codependent tendencies.. and I've worked a lot in therapy to realize how I got that way and to see the behavior but changing that behavior is very difficult.

Its so ingrained in me that its difficult to stop. Sometimes my T will tell me his opinion of something about a situation I'm in or something similar and I find it hard to deal with knowing this.. I fight changing my own mind about something because it doesn't line up to his thoughts ...sometimes I wish he wouldn't tell me things... Like I found out my H is addicted to porn... and my T. said that he doesn't think that is "cheating"....

So in your experiences, can codependency affect the theraputic relationship? does it mean its not good therpy? or is it just another way to view the things that go on in RL so its good it happens here? I struggle to know what is normal.

I have the same thing going. There are times when I think the reason that my "coach approach" is currently working intherapy is that I'm so eager to win the approval of my coach that I am doing things that I have put off for decades. Dating! Finishing a long-term work project! Losing weight...all part of my continuing co-dependency.

Knowing that is a bitter pill to swallow. I have a hard time not shifting in order to mirror others, and I am constantly trying to figure out what my therapist "thinks of" me. I'm always probing: Am I on track? Making enough progress? Am I amusing the hell out of you? Making things understandable? More neurotic than her other clients? Less? Then, I remind myself that comparison is the basis of all misery, and I gather myself and ...and it's generally okay.

But I believe that to a certain extent, that's part of the human condition, and the upside is that I work and play exceedingly well with others, seek harmony, sense difficulties with the outliers, keep groups together and generally have a lot of fun in life because I sense others' feelings and act accordingly! But people-pleasing has its downsides, particularly when faced with mean people, and as you all know...MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! At times, I can be a bit of a "mark," and I've learned to deal with that tendency within. In fact, I've been a bit of a mark in my therapy relationships, but that's another story entirely.
Sigh.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you find it hard to disagree with someone then and continue to hold your position?

I find it hard to say something if I know someone will disagree. It seems like it would cause conflict... I spent my whole childhood smoothing things over or hypervigilent to not cause any waves... to keep the house calm...(as if that would work)... Just how I learned to function and it is so hard to turn off...

[Sannah]

Being aware of when you are doing it is the first step. The second step is to discuss it in therapy and get all those feelings out. Whenever I have had to change an ingrained behavior like this I just kept catching myself doing it and then came up with a game plan on how I was going to react next time. After several times I extinguished the behavior a little bit at a time. Are you going to discuss this with your T?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Being aware of when you are doing it is the first step. The second step is to discuss it in therapy and get all those feelings out. Whenever I have had to change an ingrained behavior like this I just kept catching myself doing it and then came up with a game plan on how I was going to react next time. After several times I extinguished the behavior a little bit at a time. Are you going to discuss this with your T?

I think I will... I promised myself this go around that I was going to tell him everything.. I'm realizing by talking about this that I think I've been waiting for "permission" to be angry about my H addiction... Like I can't decide for myself what emotions to feel..waiting to see what eveyone else's feelings are to decide what I should feel... crazy

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Like I found out my H is addicted to porn... and my T. said that he doesn't think that is "cheating"....

it most certainly is cheating, ask any woman that crys herself to sleep while H is doing his thing with a photo or video. (sorry, soar spot)

Originally Posted by Readytostop

So in your experiences, can codependency affect the theraputic relationship? does it mean its not good therpy? or is it just another way to view the things that go on in RL so its good it happens here? I struggle to know what is normal.

I think if you are always trying to agree, or not-anger the T it would be a problem. But as long as T knows you do this, it could be helpful.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I'm realizing by talking about this that I think I've been waiting for "permission" to be angry about my H addiction... Like I can't decide for myself what emotions to feel..waiting to see what eveyone else's feelings are to decide what I should feel... crazy

Very good insight!! Keep us posted on how it goes?