[noodle_82]

A brief background- Been with T for 4 years. I cancelled my last few appts with T for several reasons, one of which being the pain I feel when I see him (I desperately want him to be my dad). We have spoken about it for some now but not gone into detail because I can't let myself be so vulnerable. He has recently put a ban on me emailing him between sessions but as we wont be seeing each other for a while allowed me one email.

I sent him an email saying:

"I feel relieved at not having to see you because I don’t have to worry about the anxiety and pain and making myself vulnerable etc. When I don’t see you the pain of not having you goes away. It’s still there but more manageable. I realise how exhausting and hard therapy is and just like everything else, I don’t know if I can commit to it anymore- especially as I don’t feel you are with me. It scares me to think I have been in therapy for so long. Not just because it makes feel like a loser but also because I am not used to making any kind of commitment to anything, and it feels scary and suffocating."

It quite a long email so I wont put the whole thing here, but I also told him (for about the 100th time) about how I feel something isnt quite right with him but I cant out my finger on it, and how much it upsets me. And I specifically asked the questions "can you still help me?"

His response:

"I can understand that if your therapy is causing you more pain and you finding it easier to manage without a coming appointment then it makes sense that you don’t attend. I am sad that you still find our therapy makes you feel vulnerable and this is not the intention at all, if fact our therapy is supposed to be a place where you can feel safe. I am happy to work with you how you would like so please just let me know if you would like to attend or not. If you are not finding it helpful then it is not helpful, and this is what you have to consider. If you don’t want to continue then I understand that this is because it causes you too much pain."

I'm not sure what it is about this response that I don't like. It feels clinical. He didn't answer the direct question. I have been telling him since day 1 that I feel vulnerable in therapy- we go over it so many times- how can he be surprised that I feel this way. It feels like he didn't read the whole thing and just gave me a generic response. I wanted him to want to work things out, not just let me go if the pain is too much. It makes me feel sad because at the beginning of our therapy he told me in an email "You can email or call me between our sessions anytime. I might not always be able to respond too quickly but I will get back to you", and now I'm not allowed either of those things. It's like he is giving up on me. I guess what I wanted/needed him to say is something like he has said in previous emails: "Ideally I would like us to try and learn from our mistakes here and think about how we can get back on track, or think about what else you can do. "

But that doesn't happen any more. I bring it up with him but he just ends up ignoring it most of the time. It hurts me to read back on those emails to a time when my T was everything I needed him to be. And now he's not. He used to be totally there for me, he used to hear me but now I think he's heard a lot of it over and over and just zones out on it. But I haven't worked through it otherwise I wouldnt still be bringing it up.

Sorry if I'm rambling- I'm trying to be clear but not doing a very good job. I just don't feel particularly wanted by him. He couldn't care less whether I come to T or not- he will just get another patient if I don't go. I'm trying to work out whether this relationship is worth me trying to repair or whether it has run its course and T will never go back to being how he was when I met him. Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts?

[Mike_J]

I feel incredibly vulnerable during therapy, but I also feel so safe. I know being so vulnerable leaves me open to being terribly hurt, but I trust my therapist not to do anything to hurt me. Now that takes a lot of trust, and is a difficult place to get to.

And you are right, to him you are a patient, but that doesn't mean he doesn't/can't care about you, but there are strict boundaries that he has to maintain. Not just to protect you but to protect himself. Imagine if you got personally wrapped up in 100 people's complex issues, I know it would drive me crazy (well it would if I wasn't already crazy).

I would talk to your therapist about this, be honest, and if you don't feel that you can get to the right place with him in therapy then I would suggest looking for a different therapist. He could be a great therapist but just not the right one for you.

[likelife]

My heart goes out to you, noodle. I've had similar experiences in therapy. I'm wondering why your T has cut off phone and email contact. I'd imagine that feels devastating. I know that in theory, T's help us to move toward independence (or maybe interdependence with others), but if it happens before you feel ready for it, I think it can be really overwhelming.

I recently decided to take a 6-week break from therapy. I was getting way too caught up in feelings for my T, to the point where I'd just cry in session and not really get anywhere. It's only the first week that I've been away from T, but I also feel a sense of relief similar to what you described. I miss my T too, but I don't feel so swallowed up in the feelings. My hope is that when I come back, I'll be able to address things from a fresher perspective. We'll see.

What do you think about formalizing a break from therapy, instead of cancelling sessions?

Oh, and as for his response, I also understand why that would be hard to hear. I've struggled with similar responses from my T. When I have some distance from it, I know it's because she needs to respect my autonomy and not unduly influence my decisions. It comes off as uncaring, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. It's just such a weird relationship sometimes.